Equilibrium

Just thinkin....

2007-08-07T02:13:00.000-04:00

Random thoughts here...

There is nothing more sensual than a foot massage...

There is nothing more soothing than hearing your lover's heartbeat...

- Shawnathan

We just gotta take our time....

2007-06-11T01:09:00.000-04:00

...its like nothing really matters so let's make this moment a crime...

...I know, I know you're left behind...

Well here I am again...I don't really know why I get the urge to make posts on this blog anymore...but it does happen every once and a while. Butters has given up on this blog I think. Last I checked he has no time. When did he ever have time?

Life:

Much has happened since the last post, which was...wow...April 11...which is, in retrospect, the eve of a particularily significant day. Or at least one that use to be significant. I don't really know how I feel on that subject. I've grown a lot since all that shit happened and my relationships with a lot of people (my brother, my parents, my friends) have grown considerably since...but no matter far I get I can never forget. I can never forget what happened. I can never forget the times and those moments burned into my mind. I can never forget in general. You know why? Cause "Friends don't forget friends, not even in 100 years." I was given a gift in gr. 7 I beleive it was, and I cherished it. It was very special to me. But in the heat of the moment, a few years later, I threw it away. Or so I thought. I've recently moved into Markham, and while rummaging through a cabinet searching for things to pack up I stumbled upon a thin sheet of glass. I looked at it and I thought to myself "no, it can't be." I kept searching and in the end, 6 years after the fact, I found that gift, staring me in the face. A little picture frame with Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin looking over a bridge and printed on to the frame reads: "Friends don't forget friends, not even in 100 years." Instead of throwing it away, I decided to hold on to it for the time being. I dunno, maybe 6 years from now I'll find the person who gave it to me...crazier things have happened..

Magic:

Boston Pizza at STC hired me to do walk-around magic every Friday and Saturday from 6 pm to 10 pm...and I couldn't be more pleased...it's such a wicked thing, having a steady gig. And I get so much business from the people I meet at the place. The tips are also ridiculous some nights. One night I made $135 in TIPS. That was a retarded night. Magic and Drama are my only sources of income this summer and it's so fucking great to know that Magic is paying for my school...by the end of the summer I'll be able, if not damn close to being able, to pay for this year's rent and tuition. Speaking of people I've met at Boston Pizza, a producer was there the other night and I had performed for his grandson a few weeks ago, and his grandson called me over to the table to say Hi again...and I ended up showing the producer magic and then he starts telling me about this film that Stanley Tucci (a very well known actor...you'll recognize him if you see him) is filming a movie here in Toronto later on and it involves sleight of hand...so the producer is going to give me a shout this week and if my skintone closely resembles Stanley Tucci's then he's probably going to hire me as a "hand double", which basically means I do the magic for Stanley Tucci on camera. It only goes up from there I can imagine. I'm hoping for the best from this situation. I long for the day when I can sit in a movie theatre and stare up at the screen and announce proudly, "those are my hands!" haha...

Illusion and Intrigue happens here in Toronto tomorrow and Tuesday. Expecting a nice turnout for Tuesday and an okay one for Monday. Thank you in advance to everybody coming out and showing thier support. It means the world to me.

The two productions that are slated for August are well under way now. I spend my entire day, everyday, rehearsing and directing these two shows. I quit my fulltime day job for this, so clearly its not about the money.

I got hired to do Orientation Week at Waterloo again this year, this time its for the Arts faculty and, pardon the capitals and language, I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY. They want me on stage at Fed Hall (the campus club) for an hour and a half. This is for a good 500-600 people. I'm fucking stoked. I'm just waiting for the time when "Shawnathan" appears on the announcement sign in front of the SLC. Getting a picture of that for the books asap haha.

Magic has never been better and it can only go up, now that my entire summer is devoted to it. Some people think that because I don't have a fulltime job I'm just a lazy ass now, but I wake up at 9 everyday and rehearse until 4 or 5 just like a regular day of work. I'm not any less busy than I was when I had my job, it's just that my priorities have shifted.

I have the next 4 school terms down in terms of shows. I've written another one this summer, which was slated for August, but was cancelled due to time constraints. And I'm in the process of writing another one for Winter Term '08, which will be the first show I've written that has a full cast.

Love:

It's magic time. Woman time comes when magic time is at a plateau, which it wont be for a nice while...I miss it though...I was having this conversation with Felix a while back...and it was agreed that the idea of having somebody in your arms that you can trust completely is a one of a kind feeling...I miss that feeling...but hey, love comes and goes, lovers come and go...clearly...it's been a year since those troublesome times...a year is a long time..for an unhappy person...

Life, Part Deux:

I've moved into my new house...and it's a fuckin gangster house...I fought hard, but I have the biggest room, next to the master bedroom of course...and my window leads out on the roof...it's fucking gangster..lay out a blanket and that's a date and a half right there...there's also a little jacuzzi in the basement, with a red heat lamp...red light special anyone?

I've realized recently that I cut out a fucking shitload of people from my life in the past year...I mean wow...I need more than 2 hands to count em all...all the people I've lost touch with simply by association...and who's feelings were hurt in the process? Nobody's...but neither me nor the people I've let go of mean enough to one another to the point where we'd fight to keep something worthwhile...everybody's got too much shit to deal with in their own lives to deal with such trivialities...I know I do now..

I miss missing you...more so, I miss being in love...need to get on that sometime...like I said, I've never felt more alive than when I'm in love...

Cheers all,

- Shawnathan

(who reads this thing anymore anyway?)

Remaining reminded...

2007-04-11T02:24:00.000-04:00

The little reminders,
reminding us of remainders,
remainders remaining as reminders.
I found a reminder of the remainder,
in the form of a tree.
The foliage reminded me of the remainder's heart.
Remainder's hearts remind me of leaves,
Maybe that's why we died in the fall.
Nothing remained after Autumn.
Nay, fall.
Nothing remained but a fall.
Past remainders.
Past reminders.
The climb.
Past remainders.
Past reminders.
I look up.
I yell.
"Remind me of what remains!
Remind me of the remainder!
I shall remain me remaining reminded,
until there are no more remaining reminders!
Allow me to remind you,
that I am remaining!
I remind myself everyday."

Remaining reminded,

- Shawnathan

Bitch I'm Trill...

2007-04-07T00:16:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to take this opportunity to announce that Illusion and Intrigue was a success. Not a huge success, but a success nonetheless. 2.5/3 sold out performances is what I consider a success. Thank you to everybody who came out in support and I hope that you all stay tuned for the next production, already in production haha.

Well summer is almost here, and I'm out of a job cause my job at the cellphone company I had, testing cellphone games, isn't there anymore. They aren't gonna hire me again...so...the job search begins...

In terms of Magic and Drama in general...here's what's slated for summer so far..

Charity Magic Show for TD Canada Trust - Date TBA (sometime after Apr. 22)

Magic Show for Albert Campbell - May 3

Encore Presentation of Illusion and Intrigue - May 18, 19

Magic Show for Warrior Weekends at UW - May 26 - My first public hypnotism will be done here

"The Months, They Don't Matter"/"The Curse" - 2 plays I've written and cast - End of Aug.

Magic Show for Frosh Orietation Week - Sept. 8th, 2007 - Performing on stage at Fed Hall

Aaaand that's about it thus far. My goal is to make atleast 1k from magic this summer, and I'm already 3/4 of the way there and summer hasn't even begun yet. It's gonna be a good summer...I can feel it...I can touch it and taste it...although, to be honest, after last summer, I could spend the next 4 months hanging by the rafters and it'd be better...anything would be better...

Australia is still up in the air, but I'm hopeful...very hopeful...

I was learning how to play a song on the guitar a while ago...New American Classic...but that plan fizzled...however..I picked up a guitar a little while ago, and I started playing it again, and lo and behold and now know a good 85% of the song...upside down no less haha....being left handed is inconvenient sometimes....at any rate...I plan on finishing that song...for myself this time...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

The wheels are in motion...

2007-02-16T18:35:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen it's about damn time...

Shawnathan Magic, in conjunction with Smiling Over Sickness and the Federation of Students, would like to present to you:

Illusion and Intrigue - An intimate evening of astonishment

Tuesday March 27,
Thursday March 29,
Saturday March 31,

all from 7:30pm - 9:00pm in Hagey Hall 180

Ticket prices will either be 4 or 5 dollars, depending on which I decide on

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a long time in coming, but the wheels are now in motion, time to get the facebook train moving and the poster train moving as well...does anybody even read this blog anymore? lol...I just thought about that...who am I appealing to by putting this up on here...oh well...I'm sure there's one or two out there, somewhere...someday..=(...ANYWAY...

I was doing magic for the Smiling Over Sickness club president and before I began she was like.."my friend was telling me about this guy who was doing magic in the SLC, and they said he was crazy, was that you?"....and the as I left the SLC to go home a group of people stopped me and asked me to show them magic because "their friends said that I was crazy"...so here's to people talking about me *holds up a glass of gin* cheers...

By the way, Jazz music is fucking ridiculously satisfying to me right now...and hip-hop for some reason...I'm really into hip-hop...Lil Wayne, NaS, Jay-Z...and Bedouin Soundclash is growing on me...

I've been slacking so much this week in terms of rehearsals cause I had 2 big midterms on wednesday and then thursday was pretty much just me being lazy...same thing with today...its a good thing there's reading week =)...plenty of time to catch up on rehearsals....

As of right now I have 6 shows next month...

Blackforest 2007 - a Coffee House at St. Paul's College - Mar. 2
A private 25th Anniversary engagement - Mar. 3
SYDE Coffee House 2007 - Mar. 6
Illusion and Intrigue - Mar. 27, 29, 31

Once again, here's to networking and people talking about me *holds up a glass of gin*....Gin is up there with Whiskey in terms of fav. drinks...

I have 6 plays I've started and still need to finish...jesus h. christ why is that I can't finish the plays I start...

As for my list of new material...I've learned most of the mind-reading effects, on my way to learning the last 2 and then on to creating a new Linking Rings routine...linking rings is hard, but oh so elegant, and I don't give it the time it deserves...

Anyway, I'm going to go chill at my Aunt's house...

- Shawnathan

And now here I am...

2007-01-30T02:00:00.000-05:00

I can't even think of a reason as to why I'm blogging right now...I guess I don't feel like doing much of anything else right now, so why not waste my time blogging...

Life? I'm a determined little guy right now..that's pretty much all there is to say about that...all I do is study and do magic, and maybe go to the occasional party...I'm on the verge of something great right now....something great...I can feel it...but at times, just feeling it isnt enough and this would be the cause of my mood right now. Sometimes I want to be able to touch it, to hold it, to physically feel what the unattainable is...There's so much riding on my success in both school and magic and at times its just..so..daunting. Drama...my god...I'm in love with acting, and the stage, more so than ever before...My one acting class makes Waterloo bearable when I just feel like leaving this farmland behind...I feel..alive...I can't even describe it...we're learning all this stuff about Emotion Memory, and drawing on your own past experiences to fuel the emotions of your characters, and we have to observe total strangers in a public place and mimic their traits and characteristics...it's amazing stuff...I don't know why I was in engineering to begin with...

Love? None to speak of. I've stopped caring...being very goal oriented does that to you...I suppose magic and acting are my passions in life right now...but I sure do miss what its like to be enamoured by somebody...its not the kind of thing you just look for tho...

Magic? My god...they couldn't put more pressure on me to succeed...So I have a show coming up at the end of March called "Illusion and Intrigue" and I've been trying to get a venue to do it on campus, and I think I'm going to be doing it Hagey Hall, Rm. 180...it's going to be amazing show...it has to be...FEDS, and the fucking University, are using MY show to gauge the public appeal of magic on campus...In essence, based on the success or failure of MY show, they can see just how much attention they should give this kind of thing...but I beleive I have the one-up on them because I'm 100% sure that I can sell out the first two nights right off the bat thanks to my former Systems Class, my current Drama Class, the Scarborough people, and any other randoms that I've managed to impress in Waterloo (which are growing in numbers)...I plan on doing a new show every term, and 2 new shows every summer...I managed to make a plan for the next 4 years in terms of magic...and it is as follows:

Illusion and Intrigue - End of March 07
Illusion and Intrigue - Summer 07 (Find a place) (while writing new show)
The One Man Show - Summer 07 (while writing new show)
The One Man Show - Fall Term 07 - End of November (while writing new show 2)
New Show - Winter Term 08 (while writing new show 3)
New Show - Summer 08
New Show 2 - Summer 08 (while writing new show 4)
New Show 2 - Fall Term 08 - End of November
New Show 3 - Winter Term 09 - End of March
New Show 3 - Summer 09
New Show 4 - Summer 09 (while writing new show 5)
New Show 4 - Fall Term 09 - End of November
New Show 5 - Winter Term 10 - End of March
New Show 5 - Summer 10 (while starting Life is But a Dream)
Life is But a Dream - Winter Term 10 - End of March

So pretty much, I do every show twice..once in Waterloo, and once back in Toronto...I'm so dedicated right now...its incredible even to me...I spend 2.5 hours everyday on magic now...no exceptions...if I miss a day, I make up for it on the next day, or the next...I've let it consume me...sounds melodramatic I know, but its true...1 hour is devoted to rehearsing for my show this term, 1 hour is devoted to learning new material for my stage show (which, upon mastery, will raise my price from $400/show to $600/show...and increase the length from 1 hour to 1.5 hours...I can read minds now bitches!)...and the other 30 minutes it devoted to memorizing my script...so clearly my time is limited...but hey..nothing I can't handle..

...in sticking with this schedule I still managed to study enough for my Psych test that I finished it in 15 minutes...haha...so funny...everybody in the class just turns to me when I say I'm done......and it's not cause I'm an idiot and didn't get it...I pulled an 86% on that hooker of a test...I finished so fast cause multiple choice is a joke..an honest to god joke...if you people want to do well on multiple choice, just use this study method...20 minutes strict concentration on the material, followed by 20 minutes of enjoyable fun (do whatever, have sex or something, 20 minutes is enough for a quickie, if you discount foreplay)..and then repeat....sure...you get half as much studying done, but it's all gold...sheer gold....here's the way I figure it works....with this study method, you are just reading, not memorizing...Multiple Choice works on the principle of recognition, not recall...if you can recognize the answer, then that's all you need...

...anyway that was a big random tangent...back to Magic...I have a show coming up Mar. 3...a 25th anniversary...that should be fun...I just did Nick's Comedy Show, tried out some new material and it worked well, I was very pleased....and Nick was great as usual...among my new material is the following illusions:

Contimental
Khan Artist
The Mockingbird
Kurotsuke
Divine Write
Psign
Bill Switch
Rose Appearances
Addition to Card to Pocket
Business Card Gaff Trick (Theif)

I don't expect anybody to know what those are...but just know that most of those are Mind-reading illusions, save for the last 4, which is new walk-around material...magic soothes me...now more than ever I suppose...

I'm 90% sure I'm heading to Australia this summer...my grandmother just got put into a home, so it's imperative that my family goes this year to see her...I don't know how long I'll be there, cause I mean, I have friends there now, and I have relatives there obviously, so the option of staying there indefinately is in the cards for me...my financial situation is alright, I've decided to take every penny from OSAP I don't spend on tuition and rent and put it into a savings account...I figure when I graduate I can pay off most of my debt right off the bat...but oh well...I've decided that magic will cover all luxuries in my life...if I'm going to get serious...I'm going to get real serious about this...I'm an entrepreneur, time to start acting like one....

I'm never going to get away from the past, by living in Waterloo...I know this...this term, above all terms, has shown me that karma has worse things in mind for me haha....take life in stride...that's all...in the words of NaS: "concentrate on good things man, good times"...and in the words of my room mate Leon the Wise a while ago: "Shawn...one friend to another...let go...and stop being a little bitch"...haha...I love Leon...and he's right...and I have stopped...and now here I am...with a smile on my face...

Life is nothing but a beach chair ladies and gentlemen...

I'm going to take this magic thing to a whole new level, just watch me...just you watch me...I dream of greatness...

- Shawnathan

A hunger that cannot be satiated..

2006-12-02T02:35:00.000-05:00

blinding light?
oh memorable day.
that my raft,
entrenched in a storm...
when storm?
...the company of which these seas have never kept,
should gently touch the sand of a strange shore,
an undiscovered country.
arrived yet?
no,
there is too much at stake
turn away?
no.
then go?
no,
whispers.
whispers,
they beckon me
then go?
no.
turn back?
no,
only sorrow awaits me from whence I came,
only agony,
a deafening silence,
a treacherous sea.
then stay?
stay of execution,
pain will come.
when pain?
can't say,
the birds of this shore,
they sing to me,
but birds have sung to me before.
blinding light, whispers, stay of execution, what song?
can't say,
must wait.
siren songs, songs of beauty, wait when?
now,
forever more,
i will circle this shore.
forever more?
whispers.
blinding light, whispers, stay of execution, songs of beauty?
echoes.
blinding light, whispers, stay of execution, songs of beauty, echoes?
hunger.
when hunger?
always,
never a day without it,
a hunger that cannot be satiated.
when satiated?
when echoes beckon me,
but for now,
only whispers.
turn back?
never.
then stay?
echoes.
songs of beauty.
siren songs.
stay of execution.
whispers.
blinding light.
hunger.

I can't stop now..

2006-11-26T03:27:00.000-05:00

Can't Stop Now - Keane

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here dithering around
Well I know I said I'd wait around till you need me
But I have to go, I hate to let you down
But I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here withering away
Well I know I said I wouldn't leave you behind
But I have to go, it breaks my heart to say

That I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk

No one back home
I've got troubles of my own
And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now

And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now
For no one

The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running

--------------------------------------

Sometimes songs sing to you and only you...

- Shawnthan

Les Temps Difficile...

2006-11-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

I meditated over this thought today: Who am I?

I came to this conclusion: It's like the song goes - "When I said I hate who I've become, I lied, I hated who I was"...I realized I made a lot of changes to my personality, to my life in general, for all of the wrong reasons...it wasn't for me..it was never for me...look...this is me as I see it: I do magic, I own my own business, I write and direct plays, I play the piano, I learned how to cook, if I want a drink I'll have a drink, if I want to play a video game I'll play a video game, if I want to cry I'll cry, if I want to do something with my life it'll be for my life...not cause its what somebody else expects of me...and if you can't love me for it, then c'est la vie...les temps difficile...there are people out there who will...

I also meditated over this thought: What do I deserve?

Conclusion: I've done some stupid, cruel, things...but I deserve so much better than what's I've been going through these past few months...I deserve to be treated with dignity...I deserve to be loved...

Am I good enough?

Conclusion: Yes. It's a stupid question, but don't deny that you've never asked yourself that question. I am good enough. I can have anything if I just want it bad enough.

Should my heart be filled with hatred?

Conclusion: Yes. Yes it should. Should, but what does that get me. Nothing.

- Shawnathan

(P.S. I wake up from my nightmares, wondering why they are nightmares...and I wonder why I feel bad...and I just can't give myself an answer...the closest thing to a real answer that I can think of is: does it really matter if I feel bad when I wake up if 30 minutes later I laugh at myself for being so petty...so trivial...and when I think about their lives, I know that I'm just the fine print...)

I'm a warrior...

2006-10-22T23:58:00.000-04:00

Taking a break from studying psychology, which I am thoroughly screwed for...*shrug* life goes on...I was talkin to big simon tonight and the topic of our discussion was "Warriors, Workers, Whiners and Weasles"...its this book that he read recently and it basically tells you what kind of person you are..well..what kind of person each of those categories is, and you just put urself underneath one of them on your own time...so for example..a Whiner is the type of person to bitch and complain, but never do anything to help the situation...for example...a person that says "omg this is so boring..", while never making a suggestion as to a more entertaining activity...and simon told I was, without a doubt, a warrior...and that got me thinking...I'm a warrior...I wasn't always this way...in fact...now that I think about it..I'm the exact opposite of the person I was when I was little (I'm almost 20, I can say "when I was little")...when I was young I wasnt really liked by many..I had a sarcastic attitude, a distrusting demeanour, and I gave off the impression of somebody that couldn't really be relied upon...to keep a secret..to keep a promise...I was an introvert...and I didn't really stand out except for the fact that I was the shortest one, which was cause for many-a-name-calling...short-stuff...scrawny...scraddly (that was a good one)...

...and I dunno...when I look back..and then compare myself to the way I am now...average height (sort of)..very outgoing...very extroverted...I'm not the sarcastic ass I once was...people can come to me with their deepest darkest secrets and know that I'll take it with me to the grave...people can confide in me..and I'm truly honoured for that fact...the friends I have now, are truly sumthin else, to have stood by me through everything that's happened...and for the friends that will have foresaken me...through indifference, through pursuit of their own happiness, through lack of empathy or understanding, just know that I love you...and in the river that is life, ur just going with it...ur in a different part of the river than I am..you cant see the world through my eyes...so just continue doing your own thing..no hard feelings...

...and to my enemies...enemy is such a strong word...to the people I care nothing about (I care about strangers more than you people...thats right..a stranger's death hurts me more than yours)...just know that the happiest moments of your lives were the most painful and agonizing of mine...and every smile you all wore on your smug faces was the result of my suffering...

..where was I?...oh yea....I'm a warrior now...I wonder what I'll be in 10 years..maybe by then the weight of the world will have crushed my spirits...or maybe I'll get exactly what's coming to me...in a good way of course...

This summer I think I'm going to go to Australia...and..not come back...not for a very long time...4 months is a very long time in my books...well actually 4 months can fly on by..or every second can seem like an eternity...I'm hoping every moment will seem like eternity, except in a good way...

I've finished my masterpiece of theatre...the best play I've ever written (plot-wise, magically and technically)...and it will performed next year, when it is cast...my blood, sweat and tears went into this piece..and I hope that when it's finally put on, that fact will come through to the audience...

I'm a warrior...

I still remember those summers that lasted so long...

Waiting for a knock on my door to wake me up from my dream and cast me into another..

- Shawnathan

Friends...

2006-10-10T17:58:00.000-04:00

I have friends...big deal...everybody does, but some of my friends are special...see they don't realize how special they are. In fact they are completely indifferent to that fact and go about thier day as normal, with no regard for me. That really would be the normal day. I'd lucky if I heard a word from any of these people now. Simply because life is about effort, and if you're happy with what you got, why bother with the rest. They go about thier days as normal, not realizing that every word, or lack thereof, is another shot at me. It's another sign saying how different everything has become, and how I don't belong anymore. It's another reason for me to beleive that I really have been removed. How I don't fit into the crowd I use to fit into. I'm a puzzle piece, and sure I fit in with the rest of the puzzle...but I'm...Aladdin..and they are...The Little Mermaid...it'll never work. And I foresee no effort on anybody's part to do anything about it...simply because you are all happy with the way things are...and too wrapped up in your own god damn lives, with it's comfort and security and unchanging scenary..life is easier when you accept things for the way they are...and if I meant half as much to you as you do to me, there would be less silence...less crippling silence...

Stop being ignorant...

- Shawnathan

...sing it Aretha...R E....m o v e d...

2006-10-09T18:33:00.000-04:00

This is what happens when you spend your entire life chasing after 1 thing...

- Shawnathan

On Your Porch...

2006-09-30T12:18:00.000-04:00

The Format - On Your Porch

And thats the way its been,
Ever since we were kids, but now,
Now, we've got something to prove,
And I, I can see their eyes,
Then tell me something, can they see mine?
'Cause whats left to lose?
I've done enough,
And if I fail then I fail but I gave it a shot,
'Cause these last three years I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
Even if it's alone...

- Shawnathan

Wonder..

2006-09-24T14:35:00.000-04:00

I just called to say I love you...
I just called to say how much I care...
I just called to say I love you...
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart...

I miss singing that...hah...and I say that with a smile on my face...

- Shawnathan

Hope this is going somewhere...

2006-09-19T14:44:00.000-04:00

God...and I say that in asking for God's attention, not as an exasperation...I hope this is going somewhere good..that this is all leading up to something big...or..at least..bigger than this...better than my current state of affairs, which is me being on a medication (of one form or another) at any given time during the day...me having trouble coping with the reality that was thrust upon me...bad hip, bad heart...could be worse right?...could always be worse...

My next hospital appointment is friday...to discuss the results of the tests done on my hip...and I don't see any good news...

1) It's a recurrance of the cartilage eating bacteria that left me this way...then hooray...immediate surgery...

2) There's nothing...nothing but damage...and it's something I'll have to live with until I choose to get a replacement hip...

and there is the third possibility...

3) The doctor could tell me its all a dream, and when I wake up, everything will be back to the way it was..when I was happy with everything and life was good...

I guess another way to look at it is...I was living a dream..and then I woke up..and this is the world I really live in...I can't wait to dream...I have trouble finding reasons to smile...

"If you're happy with life, you've given up." - A. Khan

I haven't given up...not yet...but I've sure been knocked down more times I can count...

- Shawnathan

p.s. If you found this post depressing...sorry...but we all have our bad times right?...

My Magician...

2006-09-15T15:33:00.000-04:00

I forgot why I put that as the title of the previous post but then I remembered...it was because I felt that when I showed people magic, I brightened up their day a little...ya know?...if they were feeling down or bleh or whatever, me showing the magic made them smile, if only for a few minutes of the day...

Where's my magician...

- Shawnathan

My Magician...

2006-09-14T18:57:00.000-04:00

I did it today...I walked around campus for as long as I could before the pain in my hip began to get unbearable and I ended doing more sitting and resting than actual magic...I liked it...A LOT...I got some great reactions..one girl couldnt stop laughing...uncontrollable laughter is always a sign that there is some magic in the air...but the day was not without it's set-backs...I did get rejected a few times, although I never screwed up so thats something to be thankful for...but I was rejected a few times...and I learned a few lessons...so for anybody looking to entertain anybody here is what I learned today:

1) Be weary of people who are alone, they are like that for a reason. They probably don't want to be bothered. That's not always the case because I did do magic for people who were by themselves, but just be weary of the fact that theres a better chance of rejection.

2) Never do magic during class change time. Stop 5 minutes before, and wait for about 20 minutes until the pandomonium subsides. People don't like to be bothered when they are in a rush. Entertain people who are bored, restless, or just sitting around chilling.

3) I learned this one a while ago, but I just thought I'd add it. Never do magic to people who are eating. Food courts/concession stands are out of the question. Just too much hassle. Either wait until they are done, or just leave them alone.

I felt alive today. Very in the moment. Doing magic for people got easier and easier as the time went by. There's always that initial anxiety that destroys you like a wrecking ball, but I KNOW that I have what it takes....so when you approach people...be confident enough that you wont let them down..cause I mean my opening line was..."This is going to sound kind of random, but do you want to see some magic."......people have already got their first impression of me, and they probably expect a simple "Here's your coin, oh look at it vanish" kind of thing...so when I break out the A-List stuff, it takes them completely by surprise...but you gotta know that your material can do that...else you are just setting yourself up for a let down...

I got home and collapsed...from searing back and hip pain...pain from which I am still suffering right now...battle scars I suppose...I'll stop writing now..and make myself some dinner....

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

When I'm out there..I not Shawn...I'm Shawnathan...I guess that way I don't really give a shit if I get rejected or not, because they are rejecting Shawnathan...not Shawn...safety net I suppose...

Heavily medicated...

2006-09-05T01:00:00.000-04:00

This will be one of the most random posts I've ever made....cause well...right now..I'm bored as fuck..and..heavily medicated (HEY..THATS THE NAME OF THIS POST)...pain killers are not cool...but yet, they seem like the way my life is headed...only a matter of time before I get addicted because I mean...if my hip never stops hurting..then I have to take pain killers...but the more I take, the more resistance my body builds to it...which means I have to take more, or a different (stronger) kind...and then before I know it I'm snortin crack off the blade of a knife...I never wish this fate on anybody..well..maybe some people..you know who you are...but yea...its times like this (not right now, in the moment, but at this stage in my life) when I begin to notice the small things that make me happy...these are those little things that bring a smile to my face...

A perfect thumb-fan...something about it just makes me feel like all the years I've spent doing magic seem worth it...

A phone call from a friend who doesnt have an agenda...who just wants to chat...who doesnt want me to drive them somewhere, or ask a favour, or ask me to go somewhere with them...just..to talk...

A warm hug...there's nothing in the world greater than the feeling of hugging the person you love most in the entire world...you immerse yourself in it...and get lost in it...maybe I'll find that again one day...

The Moonlight Sonata...hands down, the greatest love song ever written..and I lose myself in it everytime I play it...I can feel the passion eminating from the keyboard..

Having my own room..and a bed that doesn't need to be unfolded every night...all my life I've never had my own room...and now I don't even have my own bed...I sleep on the floor in the living room most nights...I need a place to be alone..to truly be myself..and a place to let others share in all that is me...

When something inexplicable happens...like...when i was in the shower one time, soaping my back and I had the bar in my hand, and I felt it drop, and then I turned around and it was completely gone..no thud against the tub...nothing....I looked everywhere for a half hour..but I never found it...weird shit...

Rollerblading....I wonder if I'll ever be able to do that again...I felt a slight bit of freedom when I put my blades on...I could just zoom down the street, breeze in my hair, hop over the occasional garbage can...rock out to some tunes...I miss that...I give my relentless rollerblading excursions credit in the losing of all of the fat I gained in first year uni....25 pounds...145...back down to 123...proud of it...

Snails by The Format...."Snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch.."....that line alone makes me smile...and they say it many times in the song..so it always means many smiles..

New Card smell...the smell of a freshly opened deck of cards...those little paste-boards of imagination, aching to take people to a place they never thought possible...

Getting a letter in the mail....for a man who has written probably 200 letters in the past 2 years...I rarely ever receive one...nobody writes letters anymore...I guess I'm just the traditional guy who likes the surprise of getting a letter..the anticipation of opening it..and the satisfaction of reading whats inside...its a sign of true effort..like it means something to you...cause it takes real effort to write a letter, and then mail it...msn is just a point and click world....nobody sends mail anymore, period....

Somebody singing me a song...that'd make me smile...that'd make me smile from ear to ear...

When a stranger says hello...

Learning about a caretaker's life...cause..nobody dreams of becoming a caretaker..and I just wonder what makes them happy, if not what they do to make their living...

Holding somebody's hand...making out, massages, sex...to me, nothing shows connection more than holding hands...I miss holding hands...I think thats what I miss the most haha...

Seeing people do good things...like...seeing my friends better themselves...

Bettering myself..

Being in love...it may not be a small thing...but we all long for connection, regardless of how comfortable you are with being single...being in love is the greatest feeling I've ever felt...and I want that again...I wont force it..but it cant be beat...

..theres a romantic side to me that wants so desperately to be let out cause it knows that whom ever chooses to be a part of my life, will understand it may be the greatest thing that could happen to them...im not trying to be cocky..a rich man doesnt need to tell u he's rich...i just want you to understand that instead of waiting around to meet that special someone and sweep them completely off their feet...i have to sweep myself off my feet first...cause I mean, nobody is going to do it for me...I'm not that naive anymore...I don't expect anybody to ever do it for me....

- Shawnathan

I've committed myself...

2006-09-02T04:04:00.000-04:00

Just as the title implies, I have committed myself ladies and gentlemen...to something that will, I hope, take me on a wonderful journey...or at least, help to transform me back into the man I used to be...

One day a week, every week, I will do magic, from noon til night...relentlessly...for people..everywhere..anywhere...

I make this committment to myself in hopes that I will discover something about magic I never have, maybe discover things about myself that I never knew existed, or existed long ago and are now either dormant in me or dead...to break free of this mold I have for myself...I am no longer living to please anybody but myself...

...there is only one other magician that I speak to a regular basis, and he has decided to commit himself to this as well...in Waterloo I will do it after class, and just stay there on campus, until night falls, doing magic wherever I may find myself...when I am back in Toronto, him and I will go wherever we decide to go and perform at random...

I sometimes feel like I've created an alter-ego for myself in Shawnathan...

- Shawn

Living the life, or at least, forced to...

2006-08-24T15:00:00.000-04:00

This summer has been a big test...of my faith, of my courage, of my pride, of my resolve, of my acceptance...but lemme give you an analogy so you can understand what has happened and what just happened to me...

Final exam...you need this to pass the course...you studied for weeks...and you budget your time properly so that you can finish all of the questions without any difficulty...then...with 5 minutes left to go...you turn the test of over...and realize the question worth the most was on the back of the last page....5 minutes left..so close...

Life has a way of letting people down who want things they can't have...whether it be a person...an object...or even a feeling...for example, the feeling that everything is going to easier...so what is a man to do?...I could go home and just waste my night away on pain killers (it's for my hip so chill out)...I could take a nice long swim wearing cement shoes...or I could face it, deal with it and conquer it...the first 2 are the easy ways out...I'll be a man about it...

"...No time for tears, wasted water's all that is, and it don't make no flowers grow. Good things might come to those who wait, not for those who wait too late, we gotta go for all we know..."

I'm tired of waiting...so tired of waiting to be whisked away...

Dealing with a lot more than I should be as this stage in the game,

- Shawnathan

The months they dont matter...

2006-08-22T16:06:00.000-04:00

It's been 19 days since I told Butters that I would post...it's been god knows how long since my last post...a lot has changed...

It's been almost 3 months since the day that made all of this happen...and since that day, I've seen some of my darkest hours...I've seen what its like at the bottom of the barrel...and in trying to scrape my way out, I only dug deeper...I then realized that..when you smile..the world smiles with you and when you weep, you weep alone...despite my friends and family...I felt very alone...I felt what it was like to have life turn against you...to have the things that you cherished most ripped away from you...leaving you powerless to do anything but accept things for the way they are...I learned that life is about two things...change and acceptance...and I've done both of those things....I changed into a man I wouldn't even call a friend...and I let down many people...and in so many eyes I'm looked so far down upon...but now...I'm beyond that...I'm so very far beyond that...and my only regret is that it took hitting rock bottom for me to realize where I was in the first place....I'm almost there...I can feel it...its just over the horizon...

...say what you want about me...but doesnt it say more about me that here I am now, a completely changed person...a better person...with a new outlook on life...I'm out of engineering...I dropped out...and to every person that calls me an idiot for doing so...or thinks that I made the wrong choice...to them I say..life is not about your career...life is about happiness...you all just can't understand what it is to be truly passionate about something....for anybody who's ever been in love, thats what I feel for theatre, that same passion...maybe slightly less...cause I mean...I can't hug theatre...

This is on the wall of my room at home...I follow it to the letter now...

Desderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

I don't drink anymore...I've taken a vow of sobriety, lifelong...I don't smoke...I'm not into bars anymore...or clubs...despite my affinity for dancing...I've learned to cook...I've learned how to play the piano...I'm writing a new show...I don't do kids magic anymore...I've grown up this summer...I've changed, and while it may seem that I'm distancing myself from some of my closest friends...I'm not doing that at all...I'm growing up...I'm maturing...I don't find pleasure in sitting down and getting wasted anymore...I'm seeing now what others saw in me a long time ago..I think to myself, "I use to like doing that?"...I'm not interested picking up some "hot chicks" (who says "hot chicks" nowadays anyway)...and yea..I'm 19...I should be getting hopped up and making bad decisions...but I was never one to fit the mould...I'd choose a night at the theatre...or watching a movie over a night filled with getting drunk and acting like idiots...not every event needs to involve a beer or some liquor...

My life has taken so many 180's...they are as follows...

180) 3 months ago, when my life really began...sure..it didnt hit the ground running...in fact..life started off by tripping and falling on its face...but it was a 180 none-the-less...the decisions I made were very much based on the fact that I had to find my own happiness now...

360) I dropped out of engineering...and am now in arts...majoring in drama and minoring in math, with the prospect of becoming a drama/math teacher...pending I fall flat on my face in trying to make it as a magician...

540) My sanity and well being slowly began to decline...depression took over...I spent so many nights staring at a bottle, thinking itd be so much easier to just drink life away...im glad I didnt become an alcoholic...these were my darkest days...when I let down so many of my friends...when I became a loser even in my own eyes...I turned to escapism as an answer...living a life that truly...TRULY...wasnt my own...trying to be somebody else, so I didn't have to face the music...live up to what happened...the state of my life in the moment...

720) My final 180...when it was shown to me exactly the kind of person I was before all of this had happened...before it seemed like life had turned on me...I realized that I missed that person...so much...and it was then that I told myself that it was time to start over...to start fresh...to change my life so that I would never let anybody down again..so that I would never let myself down again...I've let myself down and I've let my friends down for far too long...I still have plenty more to do with my life...but I can be happy with the person I am now...and I can be proud that I've made the changes I have...I'm on my way to being that person I was before anything ever happened...I can look at myself in the mirror with some dignity..I can hold my head up high and show my friends and the world that they can be proud of me again....

I'm a dizzy man.....I love everybody who still saw it in themselves to call me a friend during my darkest days...and for those who didnt...I understand...

The months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take...

20 days until a breath of fresh air...

I'm proud of the man I am now...

Sunshine is waiting for you... ;)

- Shawnathan

The corrupted world in the eyes of the innocent

2006-08-03T16:06:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Attention kids:
The Kings have returned with a classic post, and a classy layout. Since Shawnathan has requested the old layout back, and since I have had my way with the wickedly dark layout, I decided it was time he made a decision about this blog. Things have changed since the last time we've both made a post. But as Shawn would say, "change is good sir" and I'll try to take that in consideration. With school coming up soon, and with work in the way right now, frequent post will be, well, less frequent. Post will be thought provaking, filled with grammer problems and typos (on my part) that will stimulate the mind and assure people will have a nice time reading it. The comment section is up, and until some smart mouth will decide to ruin it, it will stay up for all.

Now for the real post:
It's amazing how much the world has changed since the last couple of years. I would always try to look for the best in everyone. I think everyone has their perfections and imperfections. Though people may think that I'm being navie for thinking this, it's actually quite nice to live in this world to think of everyone this way. But yesterday, I had to learn the hard way in how corrupt the world really is. So somebody got into a car accident yesterday so I went to the scene of the crime to see what had happened. I was advised to call 911 in which I proceed. The operator was a really helpful person. She told me what to do, asked if anyone was hurt, and step by step told me a solution to all my problems. Once things were alittle more clear, I had to go to the collision station and ask a couple questions. When I got into my accident, the Officer there was a polite, kind man that taught me everything there is to know about car accidents and who should hold what for responsibilties. But this time when I went... well...this is basically how the conversation went down:

Cop: What you holding there? Do you need help?

Me: Oh this?...Well it's just a sketch of the accident and I need to ask you something

Cop: Psh

Me: Excuse me?

Cop: Yea, I'm not gonna waste my time with that

Me: You're not going to waste your time with a simple question?

Cop: Look, I wasnt there, I cant tell you who was wrong or not. Are you going to make a report or not?

Me: I dont want to make a report yet, I want to ask a question

Cop: Then you're at the wrong place

Me: I'm at the wrong place to ask a legal question?

Cop: Yup

Me: So where should I go then to ask a LEGAL question?

Cop:... I dont know.. get a laywer?

I just looked at him, puzzled out of my mind. Honestly, this line is a tad cliche, but "Who will police the police?" It's gone to the point where my tax dollars are going to lazy morons such as this that wouldn't take 2, maybe 10 mins at most to answer a simple question. But heres the thing that ticked me off the most. See, if there were a long line up behind me, well I'd understand, but there was NO ONE behind me. What's worse, is that he was just sitting there, and when he saw me he got off his lazy behind and helped me.

Another situation: I know this person, her house was broken into a month ago. It was a mess, the house was trashed and everything. It was around 8pm when they called the police, the cops came 7 am the next day. It's an 11 hr wait. Imagine the people that go broken into, would you feel safe sleeping a night knowing the fact that the cops didnt come and inspect your house?

Random:
Besides Baka cops, racism is at a all time high. And lo and behold, the most racist people are white and chinese people. So we'll focus on the white people first. Yesterday, this dumb ass bitch, excuse my french, (white of course) was in the area where the accident had occured. She passed by the collision site with a smirk on her face while shaking her head. A look that looked like "I knew this would happen, two chinese drivers.." She's friggin 40 yrs of age and shes still an immature racist. What the hell is up with that.
But allow me to clear things up for a second. I said chinese people are racist, and most are, but have you noticed that most racist chinese people are from the main land themself? They dont know any better. I've been to China, and I saw 6 black guys, 2 brown, and 1 white couple. In the case of Chinese people, it's not a matter of racism, but a matter of ignorance. They just dont know better. And for those reading this, dont think that I'm siding with my fellow culture. I'm the person known to be pissed off everytime I enter P mall, and saying: "Mainlanders annoy me". What I'm saying is just the truth and nothing but the truth.

I was also watching this show called 30 days, (show created by the guy who made 'Supersize me') and the theme of this show is to take a complete opposite and change their life for 30 days. For example, a strong, hardcore, God fearing Christ. was forced to live with a Muslim family for 30 days. He would have to go to Mose (I'm sorry if I wrote it wrong) and prey with them. What surprises me is that when Morgan Spurlock (creator of the show) hit the streets asking Americans about the Muslim faith, none of them had any idea how to answer it. The typical response was "Terrorist, Trouble, and Hatred"...such a pity.

Hero is a word of privilege not right, so dont abuse it.
But I'm not saying all cops are pigs, dont get me wrong. I like cops, just not those two. I said it before, their actions will not inflect what I feel about all cops in this world. Because I know longer look at them as cops, but as regular people, and I can do nothing but just question their authority and ethics....that is...if they have any.

John Lennon once asked where all the love went, well Mr.Lennon, with the way things are going, I have no freakin clue. The only thing I hope out of all this experience is to keep an open mind, clear all the hatred I've ever had, and live life by Shawn's theory: "To live life everyday as if it were your last". That doesn't mean I'll go out more, and party more. It just simple states that nothing in live is worth holding a grudge, and that no body has any right in the world to take anything for granted. Because we all know that we dont know what we've had until it's gone. A harsh lesson to learn and a hard pill to swallow and accept.

Say Anything:
I never took you for a trick but sometimes I don't know what you want.
I could take it if you need to take this out on someone.

That little bitch with her head held so high talking shit when I
Cut myself so I can feel something I know it's not a lie
That one stings a little I'm always in the middle
I don't expect but try me and you will always find me here
This is where I scream from.....

You can take it all away and I'll miss
There's a little bit of you in all this
And you can say you only think you know

Please there's a better bit of me to see yet 'cause you haven't seen any of my best
You know I hate myself without you now.
Hurts the same when nobody knows guess that's just how it goes
And I wont say anything at all

I was talking on a dollar sign, anxious, scared of what you need.
Everybody wants a piece of you everyone takes a piece of me
That one stings a little I'm always in the middle
Don't expect but try me and you will always find me here.
This is where I scream from...

This is the hook, take it like you took, I'm shaking like I shook before. Never ever getting better off and I can only watch this is where I stopped before not another piece of me. I always slip away from....

BTW...: Is Saber not the hottest thing or what?!

20$ well spent

A boy can dream...a boy can dream

My bitter post that defines my limit

2006-06-17T22:08:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Just because I'm nice doesn't make me weak. Doesn't mean anyone can walk all over me, doesn't make it alright to make rude comments about my post, doesn't make it right to brush me off like nothing, doesn't mean I dont have an opinion on things.
It's funny of how people judge other people. You can have a nice person, always saying the right things, always being there for someone, but when someone wrong, the tinniest thing goes a miss, other people feel like that have a right to blame that nice person. And being the nice person, usually he/she would take the blame, and not say anything about it. But sometimes even a nice person has it's limit. So I'm going to vent. I'm not holding back, and if you hate me for this, well, honestly, enough shit has happen to me and my close friends these past months, so just shut the fuck up.

Slang. I think slang is alright for stupid kids, and just lazy kids. I agree I use slang all the time, but then again, I'm pretty lazy. Here's the thing with slang, it always changes and it's somewhat stupid to try to keep up. But if a person are to use slang, they should use it properly. A grand example would be these 2 kids on the bus. Here's how the conversation goes:
#1 : "nice coat man"
#2 : "thanks man, I got it for 300 bills"
#1 : "serious.."
Me : "hahaha...stupid"

Yea.. can we not see the problem there? Well one thing is that one kid just said "serious.." which I find is so stupid. Another thing would be that 1 bill to my understanding is 100 dollars...so 300 bills for a shitty oversized coat, would be a hell of a lot of money..
Another word I dislike would be, "sick". Let's use this word as an example.
"Shit, House is a sick doctor"
So if Sick means cool... then everytime i get a bad cold or fever, I'm the coolest kid on the block. My friends, use the term 'sick' and I dont mind it too much. But that's because they're my friends and I'm bias.

People put on their msn names "nerding it up" ...I'll be honest... I think that's the single dumbest shit ever. As well, they put "out, call cell". Here's a thought, if you're out, then turn off your msn? But I see why people turn it on. 2 reasons really. One would be that someone is transferring a file to them and they want to leave it on to recieve it. and 2, would be the fact that people who do that like attention. And the only reason they leave their msn on while they're out for a long long time, would be because they want to get home and see who msged them. See who misses them. But the truth is that if it was important, i think calling your cell would be the first idea to pop in their heads, but maybe it's just me.

I hate people who cry out for attention, quite ironic seeing how I'm going to post this on my msn name. But even I have my limits.

AND I LOVE IT, when people think they're all grown up when in reailty, they're a bigger child then they were when 8. People think that because they've been through alot they're grown up. But really, it's when you learn from you mistakes you grow up. I have no pity for people who repeat their mistakes. Nor do I pity those who's having a little rough patch in their life. I certainly don't pity people who pity themselve, I agree, I use to think that I was better then people because I've been through enough, and that the fact that I'm going through enough and was able to wake up in the morning is something that no one else can do. But I was no better then anyone... The point I'm making is, dont wear your black eye like a badge of honor. Because black eyes dont last forever, nor should your pain...

I have more to say, but my Duke of mount deer 2000 theme song is just calming me like there's no tomorrow, so I'll leave this for a part two, hopefully not coming soon.

Feeding Jasper

2006-05-14T23:35:00.000-04:00

I am feeding Jasper right now...I am actually trying to make him so fast he spins uncontrollably and falls from the ceiling...that would be quite funny...

Magic isn't being kind to me right now...so I wont talk about that

Gotta prep for my meeting with the eng. society on wednesday to dicuss whether my show is go or no go...or maybe they just want the details...I dunno..

We all got SO drunk yesterday...I mean..amy was "drunked"...simon and I were pretty damn gone..drinking whisky all night will do that to you...

Have fun in chinaland Butters..keep the faith..

- Shawnathan

My Equivalent Trade...

2006-05-14T02:05:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Let me first say that if you a negative comment just leave, because I'm in no mood for it. So here I am, making another post about my life...wondering if what I just did was right. Equivalent Trade as menthod before is to trade something to gain another. But what I wonder is where is mine... All my life I've worked my ass off, but soo much effort in it, and yet I just end up getting nothing. So I wonder, is all this worth it. Is being selfless worth the pain?. Amy tells me that I cant be completely selfless and unhappy at the same time. So why do I do it? Am I conditioned.. or is it because I'm just afraid to put myself out there.

So right I'm so fucking down that I'm playing Scrubs season 3 in the background. I've memorized every show so I can just listen to it and visualize it in my head. Hopefully it will work.

I'm always known as the good friend, always aware that I will be nothing more. I never really put myself out there to become something more because I dont expect it. I dont believe that my happiness is worth other people being sad, but sometimes enough is just enough. But how to you say it. How do you tell people that they're all walking paradoxs, that what they want is in their face, but just because of something as stupid as looks...

I wish that sometimes I can say, in the words of Dr.Grey : " Pick me, chose me, Love me"
if only....if only.... Final post for a month....I'm looking forward to it now because it means that I leave all this shit behind, because I need a break from this, I need a break from everything. Call me Emo, call me stupid, but my decision has been made, and well...Good bye to you...

My Blue Heaven

2006-05-11T11:05:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Amazing News before I begin... I GOT INVITED TO A TAMIL WEDDING, for some reason, it has been a dream of mine to go to one, and i finally get to. I've seen them on TV and it always seem so fun, so much dancing and nice food.

Today, Wilson, BILLY FUNG, Adrian and I went out for lunch and Pho. Wilson came to pick us up and we set off to Mr.Fung's house where we waited and called for like 10 mins haha. Afterwards we thought Billy might of walked to train so wilson and I set forth and went to Train ourselves. There, we called up Adrian only to find that he's been waiting at the bus stop about to go home. While Wilson and I goes to pick him up, Billy calls and tells us he overslept. And man, Billy is a beast when it comes to sleeping, we called his cell and home about 5 times each and he couldn't hear us.
After we picked Billay up, he and I finally exchanged Xmas gifts and we were off for some Pho. All in all the lunch was wicked. I mean, there wasnt much catching up or anything, we were talking like how we would if we were back in highschool, like nothing had change, which was just wicked.

While Wilson was driving us home it started to rain..hard. He drove Billy home first, and then me. After which I was dropped off home as well. I missed a couple calls and listened to the voice mails that was left. After which I've decided that I had enough and shut off my phone. ( I guess Felix is right, I always go from happy to sad, never mad in between) I then proceed to go out for a walk in the rain, which was kind of nice. Listeing to "My blue heaven" while slowly walking in the rain wearing nothing but my UT track pants, a small tshirt and my starting line hoodie. So as I was walking around the block I felt this spontaneous action of seeing my family doctor. I was so random and so emotionally numb, I just thought something had to be wrong.

I guess Jerry Seinfeld already used this joke, but waiting in the doctors offices is complete hell. And for some reason, when they call out your name, for that split second, I feel like I'm soo much more better then the other sick people in the room. I dont know why, I just do. But the thing is, they call your name, get your butt from one waiting room to go to a smaller waiting room, which for some reason I'm always in the exam room. And because of that, I now know more about kidneys and vaginas I ever thought possible. My doctor came in and she asked what was the problem. For Some reason I just blanked, the structure of the kidney was all that i could think of, but then like that *snap* a question came to mind. I got my meds I need and now I am sooooooo doppppped up. Medicine that cost more then a ipod nano. *sigh*. While I was picking up my medication, I was so tempted to ask my Pharmacist if he knew Wilson, on the count that Wilson claims it's his uncle working there.

I got a needle shot so now my left arm is some what sore, and I'm always a bit dizzy, but when I try to take a nap, I just can't. My mind is racing and all I can think about is well, any random thing. So I got up and just bloggggggggggggged.

So it has come to my attention for some reason my existence has been mentioned when talking about Emos. *SIGH* Well, I guess I would consider myself emo, *shrugs* I guess. But to think of my post as the most depressing post in this blog network is kinda...painful. Haha, I dont care, I'm emotionally dead inside =). But seriously, how come whenever people think of depressing post, "Butters" will come up. I'd like to think that some of my post are informative and makes people think and reevaluate their lives. But I guess people who think that I'm an Emo poster are just ignorant. Now, now, if people read this and gets "offended", there's no need for that. No need to get angry and get all 'Emo' on my ass. But seriously, I've had people read my post and tell me how much more they appreciate their lives, and well.. isnt that a good thing?

*shrugs*

What a troublesome position I am in. It's hard to be bias really to anything these days, and it seems impossible for people to take offence. I blame the fact that people read the words instead of listening to them, i mean tone can be anything I guess. But whatever, if I'm Emo, then wicked, I'm emotional. If I'm emotionally dead instead, then thats cool as well. Alls I cares about is my friends and family, and no douche bag can really say anything. Now...if you read douchebag and suddenly think it's you I'm talking about, you as in the reader, well then that's a little self centered as well.

Hehe just wanted to note that I'm one of the first to post videos in their blogs, not that it's important, just an FYI hehe

"You're So Last Summer"

She said
"don't, don't let it go to your head
Boys like you are a dime a dozen,
Boys like you are a dime a dozen"
She said
"you're a touch overrated,
you're a lush and I hate it
but these grass stains on my knees
they won't mean a thing"

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm something you'll be missing
(is that I'm something that you're missing)
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm something you'll be missing
(is that I'm something that you're missing)
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name
Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this)

Maybe I should hate you for this
(If only you knew half as much as you pretend to)
Maybe I should hate you for this
(If only you knew half as much as you pretend to)

Happy...

2006-05-05T02:47:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,
[Random post?: Hell yes 10]
The following information has not been conducted with an actual test, but if you look around, it's just obvious.

Despite the optimistic title, happy is an emotion I'm far from. Lately I've been sleeping alot, which for some odd reason, puts me in the worse mood I've ever been. I easily snap at people and I really cant tell you why. There's just so much in my head right now. See that’s the thing about summer. Too much free time. I need the stress, I need to be busy, I need not think of my life, but of my marks. I'm listening to songs I've listen from past summers, and well, it's probably a stupid idea, considering the fact that since 2004, I have not once had a good summer.

Everybody always makes plans for summer, optimistic ones, happy ones, but could never go through with them. Why go through such meaningless planning I wonder. I think summer is the most depressing time of the whole year. The sun is out, kids are all at home, summer jobs are stressful, it's too hot for our own goods because of global warming, and people go around pretending their happy.

Pretending? how is that. well.. nobody wants to be around a depressed douche, am I right?

If we look at our lives right now, rate from 1 - 10 on the Happy scale, 10 being the highest, 1 being the lowest. The common number would be 5 of course. 1st University students and grade 12 students may be more or less around 3,4, and probably only students from grade 1-5 are in the 9-10 range. So in this scale that I made..how can I rate it..well

1-2 : Depressed, Brand new depressed, "Ignore the sun" depressed
A stage in which I would indicate as Lisa Simpson Syndrome. A person that is sad for no reason. Or sad because of abusive parents, break ups, fights with friends, dead (excuse me for being blunt) relatives. Basically this group is for people who are depressed but still have a will to live, still a spark in their soul that would like to continue playing this game they call life. A stage in which there is no spec. age group, but I would think grade 10's and 11's would believe they are in.

3-4: Stressed, EMO
This is not really a unhappy stage, but a stage in which people are just too busy to feel happy. This is also a stage where people would cry for help. Make their sadness and sorrow really public. This is also a stage for bitchy emo kids who THINKS they have it bad. A stage where people would be sad just for attention. this is kind of a fake sad I guess. Because there's a difference between made up depression and true depression. Being truly depressed is to think the world doesn’t care about you, and thus, you wont care to tell the world your problems. To stay in bed, just because you don’t find a point in leaving it. As mentioned before, University students and grade 12's would go through this harsh stage.

5-6: Neutral
You have good days, and bad days. Life is good, so smile. Grade 7-8 should feel this, but now a days, kids are getting fairly emotional at an early stage so it's hard to tell. To each their own I suppose

7-8: Life is good
I've had this discussion with a friend of mine in the past. And we both agreed that the best feeling in this world would be that of a crush. Having a crush and thinking that ou have a chance is the single best feeling in the world. Add that with a perfect you've received on your last calculus test. This is when life is good, this is the stage where food taste better, where the sun seems to shine only for you. A happy stage in which most people would feel during fall. Age: everyone can feel this

9-10: Happy
This is what I define as true happiness. To be, not care free, but easy going. To love the world for what it is. This stage depends on the stage in mind. Things can go terribly wrong, but a person in this stage will always look towards the bright side. From all my friends, I only know one person who's like this and it's Derek (F4 RULES). I admire anyone who can be in such a happy stage, admire and envy at the same time. To feel such joy is just impossible for a wreck such as I.

So what makes a person happy. Hell, if I knew would I be up at 3am making a post such as this? It's all in how we think, but do chemicals really have something to do with it. Can our emotions be from within or from the brain. It turns out that if you have a tumor in your brain, then chances of your mood changes would be quite high. As well, if your frontal lobe is damaged, then your whole personality in general can change.

So are we born to be like this? Are we genetically programmed to be sad, happy or made? Depression is genetics after all, it can be passed down from generation to generation (bad choice of words I know). Can music really influence us, our diet, and the people around us...can it really influence our mood so much?

For now, let's pretend that emotion isn't controlled by the brain. But by what's in. That would be that no matter how tired you are, whatever diet you're having or whoever's genes you have. Can one say that they are truly 100% happy?

So what makes us happy...
Friends?
Money?
A girl/boy friend?
Health?
Good Marks?
Good looks?
Popularity?
Power?

Well, lets see each option. Friends, if you dont have any then you cant really be happy. So yes friends make a person happy. Money doesn't buy happiness, but can you be happy poor? So check, money brings joy to a person's life. A girl/boy friend.. to each their own in this one. But if you're an overdramatic grade 9-12, then the thought of being single is just dreadful, so in some cases, having a boy/girl friend would be consider a factor towards their happiness. Good Marks...well who wants to fail to be fair. The rest is somewhat trivial in a sense. So Friends, Money, Health, good marks, and a sign. other makes people happy.... fair enough.

It seems easy to be happy, but what's amazing, is that it seems easier to be sad

What makes us sad?

Bad marks
No money
Broken hearts
Broken limps
Relatives that have passed away
No friends
No one who cares
War
Missing the bus
Not getting what you want on your birthday
crashing the car
bad looks
Sad music
paper cuts
trips and falls
Rape
Murder
Abortions
Dry spells
rashes
STDs
Aids
Cancer
Tumors
Wilson's diease
Metabolic disorders....
people using you like an old toy..
.... Need I say more?

I guess this post is the most random of them all. But I hope the message is somewhat clear. Happiness doesnt come that often, so if it comes once in a while, stop complaining about your life and embrace it for once. Fine a person being happy isnt common, but if you embrace every last second of it, then the memory of being happy is good enough. Honestly, it's the only thing that keeps me sane.

Tic...toc

2006-04-29T00:40:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,
[Random 9]
[Pretty Random]

"I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for Love"
Sorry had that line in my head all day...best line in a song ever, besides:

"I still taste you, thus reserve my rights to hate you"
and
"Is that what you call a getaway, tell me what you got away with. Cuz I've seen more spin in jelly fish, seen more guts in 11 yr old kids. So have another drink and drive yourself home, I hope theres ice all over the roads, and you can think of me while you forget your seatbelt and again when your head goes through the windshield"
Oh and
"It's 8:45, (8:45), the weather outside is gettig better by the mintue, I hope it rains there all the time, and if you ever said you missed me then dont say you never lied i'm without you!"

It has been a stressful year filled with laughter and tears. During my exam study period I have selfishly neglected my friends and I apologize. Today I took my final exam and I'm quite confidence in the results.

Excuse me if there are more typos then usual, I havent been typing for a good month, so my hand muscles are still adjusting. Has it been that long?

Yes it has

For nonrock music listeners please bear(rawr)with me and watch the video, good song good video.

So Univeristy is somewhat of a complete bullshit in my eyes. Well, just read me out first. Looking at my table I only see a couple neat things, and noticed a couple cool numbers:
We as grade 12s worked are asses for marks to get in uni. As uni students, we work our ass off to stay in uni. Grade 12 stress is understandable, but at this point, it seems very trivial. I have..
- 2 used up Chapsticks, because when I dont sleep my body breaks down and my lips are the first to go
- Empty bottles of Acne cream
- Drank around 100g's of Coffee
- Over 250 g's of sugar
- 2 L of sink milk
- 5 grand down poorer
- 10cm of hair, for me it's pretty long
- Drank 35 bootles of 591ml of Dasani water
- only 18mins cell phone mintues
- Alot of text =)
- 3, count them 3 empty 19ml black ink Catridges (for printing out notes)
- 7 used up and dried up highlighters, (yes i count them)
- 5 justed up "post-it" note pads
- 5 used up red pens, I cant study without them
- 15-20 used up note 80 page note books all filled with notes, all memorized to the finest of detail
- Raped Confidence
- about, and this is impressive even for me folks, 13hrs of sleep a week
- And I'm confident that I gained 5 pounds since I havent had time to run

Ahh Uni, we work so hard to get in..for all that. But to be fair, with the amount of freedom I get, the people I've met, the friends I've met. And the feeling that I'm doing something with my life makes everything all worth it in the end.

During my exams, I've been cut of everything and everyone, I need to do some serious catching up. And start some big fights with some people. See, I'm the type that needs to get into an agruement. It's just who I am, I need to let out that anger, and running doesnt do it for me. So if anyone wants to start up a fight, please do so, but not in my blog. Dont fuck up with our blog. Msg me personally and if you want to start an fight, it'll be greatly appreicated =). Sounds weird? Well it honestly isnt. My sister agreed with me that we've fought less often for the whole month, is it because we're grown up and fighting is immature?

Heck no, it's because I dont have enough time to fight with anyone. I need to let it out soon, during the bus, I was gonna snap at this little kid becuase he wouldnt shut the F**k up when I was trrying to grap some shut eye...

So what to do after exams...well first thing's first. I've turned on my cell phone so I can accept calls, txt msgs, and voice msgs..and Thanks all for the concern, I did kind of disappeared without telling anyone.

Today since I just finished my exams, I decided to make a post, ease up my mind and not go on Msn or anything. All I want tonight is some peace and quiet and all I want to hear is my clock going 'tic..toc' and repeat. (of course with some exceptions)

Now well, it seems as though my brain isn't functioning anymore for my minds just in complete blank. If you'll all excuse me..I want to decompose my brain by watching tv and just thinking of...well of nothing.
Sorry for the boring post...Just wanted to let people that I'm still alive, people who I care for, and who care for me. Others can just Fuck off...ahhh feels good to let out some steam =)

Tings gwanin...bad tings gwanin...

2006-04-09T11:33:00.000-04:00

Well well, Butters has posted one thing since my last post, which is a good thing, cause he usually posts like...5 minutes after I do haha...

Right now I'm listening to Can't Help Falling In Love - Michael Buble...ah Mr. Buble takes me too a place where Clouds reign with an iron fist...

On the list of things to do in the near future:

1) Discover how broke I really am by paying my tution
2) Finalize Amy's gift and give it to her
3) Start/Finish my work term report (god help me on that one)
4) Go to work...lol...*sigh*
5) Finish my script for my upcoming show (I set myself a deadline...I write better when the pressure is on)

Now I am listening to Those Sweet Words - Norah Jones....I'm in a jazzy mood at present

6) Practice the linking rings for my final performance at work, which I promised one of the full-timers cause he's a cool guy and it's his favorite
7) Practice Magic in general, got a new trick in the works, based on something I read in Art of Astonishment - Paul harris

Feeling Good - Michael Buble

8) Do what's left of PDEng...god me and the other 11 co-ops at work spent 20 minutes bashing PDEng to the co-op coordinator that came in to the visit us and see how we were doing...when she asked us "any positive comments?"...dead silence...DEAD silence...i discovered we has some noisy lights in the office...

Alone - Kenny G

I think that's pretty much it...but damn that's quite a bit when you think about it cause well...I only have 3 weeks to do all of that...Time Management Skills, I choose you!....*sigh*

I just got back from another lovely weekend with Amy...*hugz her*...ever so many delightful romantic misunderstandings....haha...she finalized the contract on her place for the summer and paid the current tenant off, so now its settled...she's living in waterloo for the summer...it's gonna be a great time...

Blogging just isn't what it use to be, so I try to keep my blogs short...just doing this cause I got minutes to kill...

Butters...butters...chill...

My show at Waterloo went wonderful for those who care...the best part was when they gave me my money...haha...I didn't do as much variety of magic as I would have liked, but it's all good cause the audience loved it...

Super Mario Bros. 2 SuperBuckJazz OC Remix - Estradasphere

Time to clean up this place before I get to work...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

(Ahilan reads my blog....*sniffle*....)

It's out of our hands...

2006-04-08T00:40:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

I've been called a control freak many times, not because I try to control people's lives, but because I cant stand the fact that I cant control my own. The past week has left me weak and tired. I can sleep as much as I want...but my body just cant keep up with my brain anymore. My head hurts constantly, as though I'm having the worse hang over alive..but it's gotten to the point that I would only notice a change when my heat isnt hurting. Emotionally wise..what can I say. Life is a mess right now. Perhaps it's stress..but I believe that it's something so much more.

I'm so emotionless and numb that I didnt eat for 26hrs with ease...(30hr famine is for wimps) I wanted to see exactly how long I can withstand not eating, and how long it would take for my stomach to start breaking down itself so that I can feel something, anything. But everytime I eat, it seems though the food is just as bitter as hell. A feeling of never being satisfied, not being happy. A craving that no food can satisfy anymore. A song that just doesn’t feel right. I'm in such an uncomfortable state, I cant sit still anymore.

Today I tried running on my treadmill, it usually calms me down, and releases hormones that would make me feel better. But instead of running for 20 mins, I just ran for 10. It wasn’t the fact that I was tired. It was the fact that it wasn’t helping. A lump in a throat that wont go away. A traffic jam in my head that wont budge. A emotion that no word can describe.

So what is this? What is this weird feeling...something that i've never felt before. Is it physical, or is there a deeper thing in this? It cant be a lack of sleep, there has to be so much more. And the funny twist of all this would be that my dreams are no longer nightmares. They're all such nice dreams, but when I'm normal I get nothing but nightmares. And I want the nightmares back...at least in them I know that they're not real, instead of living in one.

I no longer find Scrubs funny...Full metal Alchemist making sense...Music important...Food tasteful...

Phone calls are dead, messages are delayed, burdens getting heavier...if I dont fix this soon, then I just have no idea what is going to happen. So I'm going to do what I dont do often, what I'm afraid to do. I hate preaching to God in my post, but I'm going to leave this to God...and just completely fully rely on him as for now, until I can get back on my feet. So the question is now...Am I showing weakness? I hate telling people my problems now, it seems as though I use my problems to grab attention. But I'm not, but it seems like it. And the reason I dont tell people my problems, and tell them not to worry about me is because I'm most afraid of showing weakness...

What's the point of this post. I wonder myself...I guess I just need an outlet, hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens. But what I'm trying to say is that it's ok to be vulnerable for just seconds sometimes. It's ok to feel like a failure, and to be demotived. But it's not ok to take it alone. I dont believe that we're meant to be alone. I believe that we all have a special friend out there, someone that will cheer us on continuously no matter how dark the storm is, or how cold the night gets. And we should advantage of that person...because sometimes it is out of our hands..and we cant do much about it. All we can do is rely on the person closest to us to say the right things, and to be there when things go from bad to worse.

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a Day", he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Music Video Codes - MySpace Codes - Funny Videos

Desperate Housewives is fucked up...lol

2006-03-11T14:48:00.000-05:00

So...they found a condom in their son's room...turns out it's their daughters...but the daughter isnt having sex with the son, so dont get that idea..she's just really young....and blackmail is rampant throughout the neighbourhood....people getting arrested...and...god damn this is interesting...haha

It's Amy and I and Krishna and Jo...a real couple fest...not literally though...cause Krishna and Jo aren't a couple...couple of (shawn is a dork)..yea..so couple of crazy kids....ANYWAY...

Amy just temporarily destroyed this post..which was weird...and I'm interested in this show...

So I'm making a new show ladies and gentlemen...its a close-up show that I'm going to be performing in Waterloo...hopefully at POETS...that's going to be crazy...(shawns a bumm)...

Premise: What if magic wasn't just an event, an illusion, a gimmick or a trick. What if magic was a moment in time. Where time dissolved away and all that was left, was that moment and all that was left for you to do, was embrace that moment.

Tell me what you all think...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

A dry eye...nothing can be worse

2006-03-04T02:49:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,

Random Blog [9]

Have you ever been sad and so depressed and you wish that some how, some way you can express the way you feel, and that you can just release everything that you're holding in, but you just cant for some damn reason...you just cant let anything go. And you're emotions that’s bottling up, (like a traffic jam as Charlotte would so kindly put it) holding it all in, feeling like it's about to burst any time now. And you isolate yourself from the world, isolate yourself from family, from friends, from people you care so much about, people you adore just because you know that if you do finally crack under this pressure, you wouldn’t want them anywhere near you because you'll end up hurting them...

As I sit here, selfishly thinking about my week, I've notice that I've neglected more then one friend. Many friends, so I question myself and wonder why... Is it because I'm afraid that there’s more to my emotions then meets the eye and I fear letting it slip out, fear getting my hopes up just to get it shot down again. It's just those damn first steps I just can’t get pass...

So last night, thursday night, I received a depressing (I guess the only word that can explain it) phone call with terribly sad news. News that would bring a normal human being to their news with tears, but what’s worse then feeling sad is not feeling anything at all. It is as though I don’t have a soul anymore, as though I’ve lost so much to the point where I’m just not surprise that this has happened to me. I try not to victimize myself, but sometimes I wonder if this is a test, or just some cruel joke. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in God and have a strong faith {with/of/for} him [not sure which I should use] But sometimes, when all is lost, when phone calls are dead, when emails are empty, and when prays don’t seem to be heard, a sense of abandonment falls upon me. But everybody is busy now a day, I don’t expect anyone to come check up on me all the time, hell, even I’m too busy to care about myself now a day.

So where am I getting at in this whole post? Where is this rant leading me… well I honest to God have no idea where I’m going with this except for this…We all take life for granted, and as much as we would like to live everyday to it’s fullest, we know we can never do such a thing.

Just stop and sometimes consider how lucky you all are…. Take 2 secs and focus on 1 good thing in your life…

Honestly if you’re in a relationship, and you bitch about it. You bitch and you bitch about how this person is not paying attention to you, or how you guys got into another trivial argument. And why do you people get into trivial fights? Could it be just because you’re scared… and insecure… but of course, you guys are the first couples to feel that? And as a wise person said… honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort at night while I’m just staring at the wall, wishing…praying…ney, Begging God for someone to talk to is that you people who do nothing but bitch about your relationship have NO IDEA, no idea what so ever how lucky you all are, because if you honestly did, then you’d leave your pettiness aside, and allow yourself to feel insecure, and allow your significant other to be there for you…

What hurts more then being alone is the fact that even after this post, my feelings of sorrow, grief, anger, failure and loneliness will remain with me… It only hurts to know that I will be judged for how I feel, people telling me that I’m blowing things out a proportion, when really, you have no idea how unhappy I am. And maybe for once, maybe just by dumb luck, this isn’t my fault and that I didn’t bring this upon myself, maybe it was just...

…RIP [3/03]
Stop joking around...

Stop joking around for one minute
I'd rather cry right now
And play those sad notes on the piano
Let the rest of the band go home

'Cause I'll lead you until morning
Please be here until the morning
Hold my hand until the morning
Brings the light of day to our eyes

And smell the burning leaves in autumn driveways
We'll be out on the road to way past supper
And leave the lamp lit low beside the window
If you can mop up a waterfall

'Cause I'll lead you until morning
Please be here until the morning
Hold my hand until the morning
Brings the light of day to our eyes

Just hop a train, you hate to fly
Come see the pictures of my eyes
You want to laugh, I want to cry, cry, cry, cry

Please be here until the morning
Hold my hand until the morning
Chase my fears until the morning
Till you promise life
Please be here

Focus on the negative

2006-02-10T02:04:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,
Random thoughts: [8]
{1st time Dr.Mah blog readers, this is just a post filled with random thoughts...}

My God, how long has it been.. Now I forgot how I went about doing this. I'd bitch for a couple paragraphs and end it off with lyrics from an amazing song?

So after reading Shawns blog.. I just want to bitch slap him up and down this place for saying such stupid things. Ugh.. Shawn do you not see the talent you have? In all honesty just look at me.. I'm less then average, and I wake up with nothing going for me. Yes, I may be a tad over dramatic, but come on, it's been a long time allow me to be. It has gotten to the point when I just dont understand the reasons for getting up anymore. I wake up to a world in which I'm quite frankly not a part of anymore. I'm not involved in the hospital student council because of what they would call "Business"... barely in any clubs.. life seems a meaningless for me. My marks are complete shit, and I havent even talked to my best friends for the longest fucking time. The voice in my head just dont Shut the fuck up, and it only seems as though my music can numb it for a quick mintue or two. I have an early lab tomorrow, which means that I will have to get up and take the bus by 6:30am and that's always a bitch, but i feel like if I dont talk to anyone quick, then all these thoughts in my mind will always remind here. But from past experience, I've learned that blogging helps the noises just for a couple of hours, enough so that I could get some shut eye.

So how has everyone been? Me, I've been better then today. Today I slepted in and missed perhasp the funniest lecture of all time, so I stayed home and studied all day. When night time came around I watched some scrubs just to cheer myself up, and tried to talk to shawn but his fucking laptop signs him in and out it's hard to even have a decent converstation with him. My plans have been completely ruined so I have no idea how I can pull that thing off anymore. Marks have been going down hill for some odd reason, but knowning mean, a failure just means I'm just gonna get angry and try harder at whatever I did bad in, I'm stubborn that way I guess.

So Shawn is going to pick me up from work on saturday and we're just going to have KBBQ from 12am-2am, where then we can finally catch up, and perhasp I can finally be happy once more. See, Shawn has always been there for me like a true brother, now now Shawn feat. Inu Cats, I love you all too, but lets make this about shawn for once =). I remember that when during my broken hearted days, Shawn would always stay up and talk to me until I'm dead tired, or he'd pick me up from work and we'd just drive around listening to Thursday, Brand new, and some TBS and just talking. Because it doesnt matter what we talk about, what matters most would be that someone's there to listen.

So it comes down to this... where do I stand now.. Shawn's post got me thinking.. about how Felix and his zippo, Nick and his pool, Shawn and his magic.. Marlon and his "black-ness", Robert and his cars and because he's the badest cowboy I KNOW, Nis and his tamil speaking ways =) (s2)...But where do I stand..
so as I sit now and just think about what Im good at, besides complaining.. I dont see anything I can put to be on that list..

I truly wish that there is an Equivalent trade in this world...because I'm just so tired of sacrificing eveything and getting nothing in return...im so tired of it...just so tired...

Comments are up for grabs, so fire at will.. i dont care anymore...
"I dont care if you hate me, or love me...because either way, you're thinking about me"
This weeks post:
TBS - You're own Diaster
Remind me to send you this song Shawn, new duet =)
"Your Own Disaster"

Just think of this and me
as just a few of the many things
to lie around
to clutter up your shelves
And I wish you weren't worth the wait
because there's some thing's
I'd like to say to you...

And I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
'Cause I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

And I dare you to forget
the marks you left
across my neck
from those nights when we were both
found at our best
Now I could make this obvious,
and you, you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off
your shoulders...

And I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
'Cause I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

And I don't think that you know
I said I don't think you know
I said I don't think you know what your missing

Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun

Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun

I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

Just forget me
it's that simple
Just forget me
it's that simple

It's been a while...

2006-02-09T08:30:00.000-05:00

www.shawnathanmagic.com

My site is now up and running and I think it looks damn good. Thanks to the boys at York for building it for me...

A lot has happened since the last post...whisky is still great...but...everyone is working or in school...and it just seems like nobody has the time for anybody else these days...but I blame work and school for that because well, we all have to go through our own lives and do our own shit before we can deal with others...we have to get our shit under control before we can handle anybody elses...I've felt detached from my friends recently, but I know that they all feel the same way, which is comforting...but I know that when it's all said and done, we'll all still be friends...university does that to you...shows you who your closest friends are...because they are the ones you actually make the effort to talk to...and you have to make the effort, it's not just a matter of waking up and going to school and seeing all of your friends there anymore....hard work is involved...patience more than hard work Id say...but life will go on after uni, and everybody is through with school and the only left to do is live...that's when shit will come together...

Amy..has always been there for me..supported me...loved me...and she is my main concern right now...she's my dearest friend...and I'm just trying to make things right with her..solidify the shaky parts of our relationship...Amy Luu...I love you with all of my heart...we've been together for 1 year and 5 months now ladies and gentlemen...and I know that we'll hit 2 years..and then 3...and so on...and we'll be fine..we'll still love one another...cause I beleive that love never dies...and my love for you Amy wont...*hugz u*...

I've been asked on a number of occasions recently why I got into magic...so I started thinking about exactly what motivates me...and I came to the following conclusion:

All my life, I have never been great at anything...ya know?...I was never the fastest runner...the most athletic..the best basketball player...the smartest kid in the class...the funniest...the best dressed...the most talented (come to think of it, I never had a talent, unless you consider that weird thing I do with my fingers a talent)...I've never been anything but Shawn, plain, and short...god gave me a life of mediocrity I suppose...anybody who went to macphail can vouch for all of what I just said...they'll tell you how sad a story I was...I always looked up in envy at kids playing the piano so beautifully in front of the entire school...or how amazing somebody sang...or how well somebody could dance...everybody can speak in public...everybody can act...and hell anybody can do magic...its just that not everybody can do it well...not everybody beleives in it like I do...not everybody appreciates the fact that it is a gift to be able to do magic...to be given the style and grace to pull it off well is a gift...and...once I found magic...I knew that this would be what set me apart...its the only thing really...everybody has that one thing...that one thing that sets them apart...krishna...has his photography...nick is a god in pool...amy is the smartest person I'll ever meet...felix has his zippo...marlon's black...and before I found magic, I would have never thought that I'd be able to put myself on a list like that...but now...shawn has his magic...

(Oh yea...and I can kick anybody's ass in Smash Bros. Melee...haha)

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

Foot prints of my existance

2006-01-04T01:31:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah...
(yea typos, but fuck it, i'll change it when i'm not dead tired)
Foot prints of my existance

Miles away to see your face
It's not the distance that bothers me
but the time I've spent with you was short
A void that can never be filled
A hunger of guilt that can never be satisfied
Flowers in different colors, to brigthen up the day
With your new friends around you it feels cold
No longer a cold night but a frezzing day

As I walk on the snow
my foot prints leave my existance
As the tears hit the ground
Will pave nothing but a slippery track
Through the clouds will come light
Where I wish to one day take flight

It has become less frequent that I've visit
It has been more guilt that keeps me await
Life becoming a game of chance
God becoming the player in charge

As I walk on the snow
my foot prints leave my existance
But like all good things in life, there will be change
When cold becomes hot, and hot beaomes cold
the foot print will be no more, like an existance that never was
a mistake that never happened....
-13.W

Walls paint Black

Isolation is how I feel in a open space
In my sleepless mind I will pace
Back and forth into th dark
My insomic mind will leave it's mark
Will I be missed as the years go by
Will I always be the person that relays
on help no matter where I go
Can a child such as I fill this meaningless hole

If tomorrow would be our last day together
will you follow me forever?
An overdramtic boy with simple desires to live
So who will break the walls of this room
Who can free me from this safe womb

Failure is the blue map for my design
But I have these friends of mine...
that will represent my existance
And if my friends represent the person I am
Then perfection is where I will stand
But can they break these walls around me
Can then be the one that set me free

If tomorrow would be our last day on earth
Will you make it all worth it
The sound of laughter is not far away
But the tasste of tears have seem to stay

They say a child choses their parents
And though times seem rough now
We'll learn to make it somehow
If blood is thicker then water
then allow my sorrows be drowned harder
And leave me nothing but what will stay
a bond in our vein,
the password that noone would ever know

Tomorrow will always be tomorrow
And a step is what will follow
towards hell and back i will go
I am still a stray dog
howling through the fog
but through these hollow halls
will reamin a room filled with black walls....
-13.W

An Old Toy

2005-12-21T05:37:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,

So it's 4:42am right now and my head is just in the most pain anyone can ever imagine. So it may mean two things really.
1)I have a lot on my mind and I have to find some way or form to vent before I kill myself.
2)I have mad cow
Whatever the reason, it seems as though as I type up this post while listening to Mozart, the pain is slowly going away. Over the past couple months many things have happened, good and bad. And though I have not post much of the good, I assure you blog readers out there that good has somewhat overcome the bad, but sadly enough not lately. So what to type up in this post I think to myself, and I know, sometimes I wish I were the type that would get straight to the point as well and not beat around the bush, but then again, that is what's so unique about my post. I enjoy building up to it. And weather you like it or not, I'm going to continue this.

As I grow older and start to see the world for what it is I realize how irrelevant other people's opinions are sometimes, and how trivial it was for me to even care back in grade 12 how others thought of me. Now, don't get me wrong everyone, that doesn't mean I don't care or anything, if your opinion means something to me, but merely states that you're of an importance in my life, and if I don't take what you say into consideration, then it's a no brainier where you stand. Even a Ryerson student can see that. (Cheap shot I know)

An old toy, a song I've been meaning to get working on. Sometimes when I write I think of the title first and world around that. It seems stupid, but I find it easier and it's like a guide for me. An old toy.... we all have one. Hanging out in the corner of the room, or in the basement somewhere tucked away until someone ask for toy donations for needy children. When we find it, and we're bored, we play with it and think of the fond memories we use to have with it. But once something new comes along, we've seem to always have the habit of abandoning it and fritter away with the new and shiny toy. But allow me to ask you this....have you ever felt like that old toy?

So it seems as though my nights have become more sleepless, which I found was somewhat odd since exams are over with, and there's no real pressure anymore. But I've just discovered that it isn't because of stress I wasn't able to sleep, its the question...."Am I being used as an old toy?" As much as I love to complain, it seems like I've been doing less of which as each day goes along. Why you may ask, well it's Christmas time, a time where a lot of people, if not everyone is going through a slight depression stage. And the time when ironically people all of a sudden start to talk to me about it.

Please don't get confused. I love helping people, talking to them is what I love doing, cheering people up, making them happy. It's what I believe I'm sent on earth to do. It is the corner stone of my existence, but at the same time, I think it would be nice for a person to ask how I'm feeling once in a while, only if it's not to much to ask for. I'm not an old toy...
(And I think only a couple would actually just msg me and ask. I know everyone in Shawn feat.Inu Cats do. And I know F4 does, 2nd lunch crew, and I'm so very greatful for that.)

But once again, people will read this and get the wrong idea, and it's hard not to. I'm not complaining of how I feel people are using me, that's not it at all. In fact, I consider it a great honor that anyone would tell me about their problems and fully trusting me to help them out. It is a huge honor and compliment to have such a priveldge, and I'll continue listening no matter what. I just feel used once in a while, and as HI-larious and meaningless as my emotions sound, perhasp I make a point?

We all use people once in a while, I know I do, and people will always use us. But I guess what I'm trying to state now is that..the fact it is Xmas...why dont we just stop and think...are we using others? And if so, can I stop just for a week or two, or atleast till xmas is over, and ask that person once in a while how they're are feeling. If we all stop and think, just think about people we've been talking to lately, or ever, it doesnt matter if you vent to your brother, sister, mom, dad, or best friend. Boyfriend, girlfriend. It doesnt matter. Have you ever stopped and turned the tables around. Have you ever stopped and ask.."So how was your day?" or "How are you feeling?"

Remember alittle can go along way. What sadens me the most is that once I get to know the person and once I help them get over the problem that they are in, I will lose that friend as fast as I gained them. And it has happened many times before, I would stay up all night just to make sure my friends alright, only to have them never speak to me ever again.

Am I angry at that?
Nope
Because after all...I'm just an old toy right?

Speak of the devil my headache is gone.
(I know, i used that phrase out of context)

Our Duets have always been kinda messy, so I've taken the time to outline who should sing what.

"Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team)"

Shawn:Your lipstick, his collar.. don't bother Angel
I know exactly what goes on
When everything you'll get is
everything that you've wanted, princess

Butters:(well which would you prefer)

Shawn: My finger on the trigger, or

Butters:(me face down, down across your floor)

Shawn: Me face down, down across your floor

Butters: (me face down, down across your floor)

Shawn: Well just so long as this thing's loaded

Shawn: And will you tell all your friends
Together: you've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinkin,
this all was only wishful thinkin

Shawn: And will you tell all your friends

Together:you've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinkin,
this all was only wishful thinkin

Shawn:let's go...

Shawn:Don't bother trying to explain Angel

Butters:I know exactly what goes on when you're on and

Shawn: How about I'm outside of your window

Butters:(how about I'm outside of your window)

Shawn:Watchin him keep the details covered
You're such a sucker

Butters:(you're such a sucker)

Shawn:for a sweet talker, yeah

Shawn: And will you tell all your friends
Together: you've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinkin,
this all was only wishful thinkin

Butters:(the only thing that I regret is that I, I never let you hold me back)

Shawn: And will you tell all your friends
you've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinkin,
this all was only wishful thinkin

Shawn:Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you never loved me
Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you never loved me
Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know...

Butters:Why can't I feel anything
from anyone other than you?
Why can't I feel anything
from anyone other than you?
And all of this was all your fault
And all of this

Butters:(I stay jealous)
I stay wrecked and jealous for this,
for this simple reason
I just need to keep you in mind
as something larger than life

Shawn:(she'll destroy us all before she's through
and find a way to blame somebody else)

Butters:I stay wrecked and jealous for this,
for this simple reason
I just need to keep you in mind
as something larger than life

Shawn:(she'll destroy us all before she's through
and find a way to blame somebody else)

Butters:I stay wrecked and jealous for this,
for this simple reason
I just need to keep you in mind
as something larger than life!

I Think that's how it goes....doesnt matter we'll never follow it anyways haha.

Whisky is great...

2005-11-26T13:18:00.000-05:00

So last night was a great great night...it was actually a great great day...but more on that later....as for last night:

At the cast party they gave me a 26 oz. bottle of Crown Royal for my valiant efforts with the play (which was a big hit, thanks to all who showed up)...and then they gave me a big cup of beer and started chanting some engineering chant, that ended off with DRINK MOTHER FUCKER DRINK MOTHER FUCKER DRINK MOTHER FUCKER DRINK....WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY ARE WE WAAAAAAAAITTTTING, HE MUST BE MASTURBAAAAAAAAAAAATING..SO...DRINK MOTHER FUCKER DRINK MOTHER FUCKER DRINK MOTHER FUCKER DRINK....I had to finish the whole thing before the second round of "DRINK MOTHER FUCKER"s was over, and I did...and and we all celebrated...with more beer hahahah...and batch (waterloo engineer's mixture of vodka and iced tea...which amy drank allllll niiight....until they ran out haha...)...ANYWHO...so I got this bottle of Crown Royal just sitting there....ACHING to be consumed....sometimes I awoke in the night just to hear it's soft.....supple voice...calling out to me...in the cold night air....*sigh*...ANYWAY.....so I decided to crack it open last night, but I couldn't do it alone, so I got Amy, Simon, and Nelson to have it with me...and we couldn't do nothing...I mean...we're intellectuals in university, we can't just drink....so we all played Scrabble...that was a great game of Scrabble...man that Scrabble lasted like 20 minutes...and then BAM...the whisky hit us haaard....lol...it was so great...everybody was just sitting there...staring at their letters, trying to make sense of them....lol...Nelson took 10 minutes to think of a 3 letter word..."IS 'HEY' A WORD?"...and Amy just starts breaking out into random fits of laughter...Simon got the biggest fucking headache of his life...Nelson got red like a tomato...I was soooooooooo fucked...like...fall down fucked...and we all got Campus Pizza at like 4am cause Campus Pizza is great and its open until 5am....and we came back and ate it...and Simon hurled....hahahahahahaha....and then we all passed out...Nelson stumbled home....and the night was over.....BIGGEST HANG OVER EVER IN THE MORNING...I'm fine now...its like 1:30 in the afternoon...just took some advil, drank a lot of water...IM OKAY...haha....but man...that headache was killer....Death Cab made me throb....DEATH CAB!!!...it was torture....cause I love Death Cab....hahah

So more on life:

ENGINEERING SUCKS...SOOOOOO MUCH FUCKING WORK TO DO....*sigh*..lol...my exam schedule has 4 exams in 5 days....5 exams in 7 days....*sigh*....*si-fucking-gh*...ah well...

I got a job...at a company called Tira Wireless Inc.....GREATEST JOB EVER (next to magician)...so yea...the job interview put it best...

"You're being paid........to play games......sound good?"
"...*pause*....sounds wonderful =)"

and now I'm employed....500 bucks a week to test mobile phone games....they like to give it a fancy title though...Quality Assurance Analyst...lol...HAHAHAHHAHHAHA.....Professional Video Game Tester....thats more like it...Krishna has a job as well, and Simon has like 3 interviews and 1 perspective employment opportunity in his midsts so he shall be employed soon as well...and then shall all celebrate....with whisky...all the left over whisky....

These guys at york who went to my show on Feb. 23, 2005 decided to make me a site..their decision was made some time ago...and they only told me yesterday that they were building it on the assumption that I would undoubtedly agree...which I did...cause it's an honour lol...I mean I didnt ask for it...so its a great honour...this is the email I got last night before I was drunk...

"It's Mike Fisher, Jeannie's friend from York.... the guy who's shirt you pulled a bra out of when you did a show there last year.... anyway, I'll get right down to it, I was wondering if you would like a website made, free of charge. I'm taking web design this year, and I have a project to do, and I thought that a site for a magician such as yourself would fit perfectly for this project.

At this point all I would need from you is some email contact, just to okay a design and provide some information to put on the site, etc etc..... (to be honest with you, we(my group) have already started developing the site....on the assumption that you wouldn't protest to getting a site made for you for free, so any help you can give us would be phenomenal)

Anyway, there is no charge at this point, unless you want to put this site online and make it live... then we could arrange that and get you some space on the net for $3.95/month, but that's entirely up to you. You can decide on that later.

So, it would be great if you could just get back to me with any thoughts you have on this.... thanks a bunch, and hopefully I'll talk to you soon!"

...So I got a job, got a site, got drunk...yesterday was a great great day....

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

An Everlasting Nightmare

2005-11-13T12:05:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,

Just a quick review of what has occurred the following week. Shawn came down for commencement on the 5th. We had dinner right after it, with Drama crew, when to Fuzz's and played a wicked board game. I'm sure if you read 2 post before this, you would know what happened. Went to watch Saw 2 with Shawn... it was pretty alright I guess. Not enough blood I guess.. "Yes there will be blood" is just a line from the killer. I don't want to seem negative because I don't want the Jigsaw killer after me, haha, but allow me to rant on about my life once again and then I shall get back to normal Simon/THING/Dr.Mah/Butters, whatever you wish to call me.

So I sometimes wonder...are we all living in a wonderful nightmare or dream? And if we are, ironically, the only peace we truly get is when we sleep, unless you get nightmares such as I. Ahh yes they have returned. But aside from that.. Doesn't life sometimes feel too perfect, or just doesn't feel right at all. And no matter how perfect or how shitty life is, we always wonder.. is this too good or too crappy to be true? Are we going to wake up one day and find out it was just a beautiful nightmare?

Most new readers of my blog are not aware that I have gotten surgery on my heart before. Before the surgery everything was just perfect, I would say. Well, with some exceptions, the fact that another family member was in the hospital. But life was good. And after waking up, it seemed like from that point on, everything was different. I started to think differently, taste food differently, see people differently, judge them, and I've seem to act differently. Even at work people tell me how I've changed. Viji, a co-worker that came back after a year of mat.leave for her baby, said how I dont fool around anymore and all I do is work. But why?

Someone once told me that people with diseases are usually good people, on the count that they don’t want something else bad happening to them. After my surgery, I was healthy... so does that make me a bad person now? Am I taking advantage of life's little moments. I have 3 wishes in this world:
1) Family and Friends to always be smiling and happy no matter what challenges meet them along the way, it will always just be a stepping stone in their life.
2) Will not be announced
3) If I could go back in time, with the knowledge I have now.. I will go back when I've just awoken from my surgery and change everything now.

But this leads to the question...what about my friends? I've made so much/many good friends because I've lost others. Friends that will stick by me till the end. Ironically I've met these people during my hard times. Will Wilson, Nick, Marlon, Robert, Derek, Bonnie, and Nat be my good friends if I do get to change everything?
(Why not shawn and them is because I was good friends with them before the surgery)

And I know it's impossible to go back in time, but if I had a chance…would I? It's stupid because it's questions like these that keep me up at night. How would things change? But they say that everything happens for a reason. The person you are are the steps you take. And that everything in this world will one day be balance.

So where is my balance? University is hard and sometimes lonely. Friends aren’t here, but when they do come down I have an exam to study for or I'm working so I can pay for my next year’s tuition/scrubs dvd/HD dvds.

But perhaps I do take advantage of my life. Maybe I'm just not seeing the big picture to this... and I've told many people this, esp. Nis.... The hard question in life is not why this is happening to me... but when will this stop. When will this everlasting nightmare stop?

Gooood to get that off my chest...real good

"Ghost Man On Third"

Jynx me something crazy
Thinking if it's three
then I'm as smooth as the skin
rolls across the small of your back
It's too bad it's not my style
If you need me
I'm out and on the parkway,
patient and waiting for headlights,
dressed in a fashion that's fitting to the
inconsistencies of my moods

It's times like these, where silence means everything
And no one is to know about this
It's times like these, where silence means everything
And no one is to know about this

It's a campaign of distraction
and revisionist history, oh

It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
(it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice)
It's a shame I doubt they even care
(it's a shame I doubt they even care)
No one is to know about this

It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
(it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice)
It's a shame I doubt they even care
(it's a shame I doubt they even care)
Don't let me down

But whatever I have gettin' myself into
maybe has been slicing inches from my waist
It's my fist vs. the bottle
(and thank god you weren't there...)
And that's how bad could this hurt
or against I won't feel a thing
(and thank god you weren't there...)
I tell you all about it
It's just not working out
(...to watch me hit bottom)
not working out

It's a campaign of distraction
and revisionist history, oh

It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
(it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice)
It's a shame I doubt they even care
(it's a shame I doubt they even care)
No one is to know about this

It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
(it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice)
It's a shame I doubt they even care
(it's a shame I doubt they even care)
No one has to know about this
Don't let me down

This is why we were taught so much better than this
This is why we were taught so much better than this

This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does

A hole in the world/ Someday I will understand

2005-11-07T02:34:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah
Gonna have a serious post soon, but for now, enjoy these song all, still trying to work out some kinks for the music video bid, sorry for overlapping your post Shawn:

"A Hole In The World"

In this blackout, inertia will hold our thoughts...
And the exit sign offers no light to see by.
Can we cast our shadows alone in the dark?
I can't see... without you.

When the world is crashing down,
Part with it, start again.
When the world is crashing down,
These notes will fold themselves.

Standing at the margin's edge...
to see where the daybreak ends.
You can find compassion here,
But the page turns too fast.

We fell in this hole that opened up...
Giving up on hope,
Living without love.
We still type black lines...
When the world is crashing down,
These notes will fold themselves.

Adjust the aperture to focus on the negative.
Like phosphors in the darkroom ignite,
Like dodging faces in the corner of the print,
Frame by frame, this hole is opening up... and we fall in.

There is no such thing as whole.
There is a hole in the world.

"Someday (I Will Understand)"

[Verse 1:]
Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Everything seems shallow
God give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody is watching
Over me
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he's done to me
Oh but maybe
Someday I will breathe
And I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby

[Verse 2:]
Don't you run too fast my dear
Why don't you stop?
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

No moment
Will be more true
Than the moment
I look at you

It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

Commencement

2005-11-05T08:28:00.000-05:00

Last night was commencement...it was awesome...so nice to see everybody again for one last big get together before everybody returns to their normal lives. Everybody was just having a good time.

Last night was also the night that I gave my valedictorian address..man such a day leading up to that...so unprepared haha...I took the Greyhound bus with Amy and Jo (Jo is a burden....had to get off, buy a ticket, then get on another bus...anyway)..and it was a nice ride...Amy got a little car sick though, but it was alright...I managed to catch the first little bit of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy...looks alright..anywho...we arrived at the bus terminal, where Amy and I said our long goodbye, she was going to her own commencement (and Im sure she had a wonderful time)...then begun my long ass busride home...and when I got to famous players...my mom didn't even recognize me...just drove right past me...it was terrible...

Anyway, then I went to ACCI for the first time 2.5 months and it was a great feeling...I miss that place...*sigh*...I had to go there to see Mr. Mac and ask him to edit my speech last minute...and I didn't even get it done...and then I had to go to my Aunt's house to meet my parents for Eid dinner (Eid mubarak to all those muslaaams reading this (if any))...so I got home at 5:30, but I had to leave at like 6..so I hurried and finalized my speech and then did my shitty shitty hair and then went to commencement...didnt even get through one read through lol...*sigh*....

Luckily...everything went out without a hitch...everyone loved it...Im glad...I meant every word...I miss Campbell...University life just can't compare...which sucks...so after the speech, everybody said their last goodbyes type of thing, and we all went our own ways again...

I went back to fazias and got smashed...lol....and played Cranium...good game...anyway....here's a copy of my speech for those who are interested:

I’m going to be perfectly honest with you, in the beginning I had no idea what to say. This is tough. I would spend hours just thinking to myself, staring at the blank page, hoping for something to come into my head. I kept trying to sum up the past 4 years of life in Campbell, but I could never find a way. But maybe I wasn’t supposed to find a way. Maybe the point of us being here, isn’t to sum up the past 4 years of our lives into one big random collage of memories. I have finally come to realize that that is not what I am supposed to do here today. I don’t think I should tell you how I feel about Campbell, or how I think you all feel. It’s not my place to take 4 years and compress it into one speech like I tried to do time and time again. I’m not supposed to make you remember random times and places that may or may not have played a significant role in your lives. This isn’t about me. Hell, this isn’t even about YOU. Well it is about YOU, just not the individual you. It’s about us. It’s about the universal us. It’s about who we are, where we’re going, what our dreams are, and how we are going to achieve them. We’re the future. Our past is here, at Campbell. High school years are supposed to be the best years of your life. When I thought about that long enough, I realized the purpose of this day. Perhaps the point of us being here today is to go through our minds, and take only those few memories of Campbell, the ones that mean the most to us all, the ones that we hold dearest to us, and cherish them forever. And as long you remember how you felt, what impact that moment in your life had on you, and then it will be with you forever. In a way, everything is forever. Life is forever. The impact that we have on ourselves, and others, and even the world, will be remembered regardless of how tiny or insignificant it may seem. There is a line from a song called “This Side of Brightness”. It goes: “I hope that we will make it through the heartbreak that comes with just living through one day. All the good times that past and all the friends we lose in a lifetime on our way.” I ask you all to remember those are with us now. Remember those who are not. Remember the impact they had on us because as long as you do, they will live on forever in our hearts and in our memories. They are immortalized in us. Always remember.

There I was, burying my face in my calculus textbook, a night that resembled every other night for the past 2.5 months, when a friend of mine told me about Conroy’s passing. By the end of the night everybody in this room knew. Everybody from Waterloo to Kingston knew. Where were you when you heard? Isn’t that always the question when things like this happen? When the Twin Towers were destroyed, everybody remembers where they were. I was in awe, because while we all had our own little close circle of friends in school, in the world outside of school everybody was connected. Everybody in this room is connected in some way with every other person here. We are all family and nobody looks after one another quite like family does. The world is a big place, but even the universe isn’t big enough to keep us apart from the ones we hold dear to us. In this stage of the game, you begin to put things in to perspective. You begin to understand what’s important to you, what’s worth losing, and what’s worth holding on to. What was important to you when you first entered high-school? What do you feel is important to you now? Think about it. You’ll see method to my madness. When you’re in high-school, you’re so naïve about the world. You think you know everything, or at least enough in life to get by. But then post-secondary life hits you, wherever you may be, and you’re in shock because you realize just how much more there is to life. You realize just how important friends are, and how they become that much more important to you. You realize just how much you need to hold on to those cherished memories, because that’s all you really have. And when you go off and discover life to its full extent you’ll understand exactly why you need to hold on to those cherished memories.

When I first came to Campell, I thought to myself, man this place is huge. When I walked into Campbell for the first time 2.5 months, it was like, a breath of fresh air to me. I went inside, and, I took in my surroundings, and I thought to myself…man this place is small. It was then I realized that it wasn’t the size of the building that made it so huge. We made Campbell huge. By filling it with memories, and laughter, and good times. I want to say something to all of you. When I walked into Campbell for the first time in 2.5 months I was overwhelmed with a sense of longing. I miss this. I miss us. I miss the daily routine. You know. You all had 1. A routine that lasted you 4 years. Old habits die hard, and so does the routine of Campbell. But let’s hope it never dies at all. Let’s hope that we can always feel free to walk into Campbell, and take in our surroundings, immerse ourselves in our memories and just be swept away by them. Campbell is just teaming with memories, with us. And now that you’re all here tonight, let’s fill Campbell with more memories. Let them flow out of the walls and spread to everybody who couldn’t make it here tonight, so that they too may remember just how much this school meant to us.

School was always a shelter for us FROM the real world. It was never a part of it. We’d always wake up in the real world, and then go to school. School was our safe zone. A place where we could be who we wanted to be, surrounded by others who felt the same way, without having to worry about the admonishment and disapproval of the real world. At times we even went to school to escape from the real world. We got to school, checked our problems at the door, and then picked them up as we left. But while school was a world in and of itself, a shelter, the one thing that it always taught us is that there IS a world out there waiting for us. It’s hard to believe that we’re as old as we are now. What we do with our lives? Back in kindergarten, all everyone wanted to be was a fireman, a policeman, or a doctor. No child ever says, “I’m going to become an actuarial scientist when I grow up.” My point is we all had dreams. And we still do. We just have to figure out what our dreams are. Because that’s all you need to live life; a dream. A reason to wake up every morning and say to yourself “This is my purpose”. There’s a nice saying that I heard once; “I being poor have nothing but my dreams.” The world is a big place and it’s hard to believe that we all have a space in it, but we do. Every single one of you will change the world in some way or another. The flap of a butterfly’s wing in South Africa has the power to change the weather in North America. We’re all just butterflies. But the question is now, where do we flap our wings? And the answer is, of course, I have no idea, but I know where I’m going, as should you. Flap your wings in which ever direction your heart desires, as long as you know where you’re going, and where you came from. And I can tell you is, when an opportunity shows itself, take it. Life is yours. Like the memories of those we held so dear, let your memory live on in the world in the hearts and the minds of others. We are forever. Everything is forever. We journeyed down this 4 year road together, but now it’s time for each one of us to discover the world, discover ourselves, and discover life. Ladies and gentlemen, where Campbell ends, life begins. I’d say that’s cause for celebration. So here’s to each and every one of you, my friends and your friends, our friends, all of our friends, wherever they might be. Here’s to all of us moving up in life, not on. Cheers.

- Shawnathan

Funniest Sh*t ever!!

2005-10-31T16:54:00.000-05:00

Testing a feature...enjoy the vid
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sigh

2005-10-22T00:54:00.000-04:00

Midterms are here...and I have nothing to do other than work...which is gay....

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

School is school...

2005-10-12T12:33:00.000-04:00

I'm off school today at like 12:20 because I finished my lab 2 nights ago...yay me...but I have rehearsal at 4:30-6:30..so...houray?...I dunno...Acting is fun, but a part of me wants my time back...oh well...it always feels like this at the beginning of rehearsals, when the play is just starting out...in time it will feel good to go to rehearsals and polish the performance...

The performance dates are:

Wednesday November 16
Friday November 18
Saturday November 19

The play synopsis:

Beyond Therapy is a farce that explores society's obsession with therapy as a surefire, quick-fix solution to all of our quirks and baggage. We watch as Prudence, a relatively normal girl, meets Bruce, a relatively insane crackpot. The play opens with their blind date, which was arranged through a personal ad. Both of them are in therapy with psychiatrists who are considerably crazier than they are, and the insanity snowballs from there.

Come out and see it...

Anyway...I finally thought of my next Grand Illusion....Copperfield is planning to make the moon disappear....but as for me...I'm planning to get hit by a car...

Effect:

A stand behind a white sheet, light casts my silhouette on to the sheet, and the car guns it in my direction, and runs right over the sheet, and then when it stops, I get out of the driver seat...anybody got any thoughts on it?

I still havent thought of a good speech lol...and it's nearing...*sigh*...maybe it'll come to me the in shower...

I bought Amy OC Seasons 1 and 2...and now its our nightly ritual to watch an episode of the OC before we go to sleep...its a good show..*sigh*...lol...love you Amy...

No places have House MD Season 1...I dont understand...*sigh*...I still want to get it...maybe I'll order it online...

Midterms are coming up shortly..so...my calc midterm is a joke...2/3 of the questions are carbon copies of the assignment questions he gave us....those are his words...not mine....so...what a joke lol...

Anyway...I'm going to go finish an assignment or something..Amy gets off at 2:30...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

The Reason Behind My Cold Night

2005-10-07T00:00:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah:

Tonight will be a cold night indeed. Normally I would like to be left alone today, but since everything in my life has been in a rush, what with midterm and Thanksgiving dinners I decided to prolong my night of sorrow. See there are two days in the year where I just want to be left alone with my thoughts. I promised my friends that I wouldnt think about/stress myself over her nor should I be sad about him, and I try not to, but for two days in the year I just want to be left alone with my thoughts.

I'm thinking about re-engraving my Alchemy Pocket Watch to say "Dont Forget 7/15/10" *June/October 15/7* I understand it's really pathetic that I still count the days, but oh well, let me worry about that, noone else.

Shawn and Felix are coming back tomorrow so I'm quite excited to have dinner with them. After Dinner we plan to roast a pig, but not for too long. I have to wake up early tomorrow, Gonna visit my gramps. When Uni started I really didnt think much about visiting,and I've felt so guilty about that. But I have to get up early, around 7ish, or 8ish, on the count that Derek is coming down to chill tomorrow.
I'm gonna start studying soon.. ugh not tonight, I'm feeling sick and my head is going to blow. Luckly I read ahead, so when I miss this day of reading I'll be on track instead of ahead now. Now for the song, for new readers out there, I know there are some, This is a my 1st song that I've ever written.

[No comment for this post, this post is just for me and me only. And No I dont want to dicuss this post, and yes I will like it if we never talk about it/bring it up...But why advertise it on my msn name? This post is for me, but the song is for everyone. Enjoy and God bless all]

Cold Night:

Do you remember... When I would walk you home..?
I remember... Cuz we were all alone..

It was November.. and I was loving life
It was December... and I remeber I called you wife...
Now I sit here sad and all alone
Wondering where you are...
Wondering if I should pick up the phone..
But the words escape so fast
And all I do is live.. right in the past

It's a cold night without you love
And it feels like I've had enough
Because life without you
Is like life without..

It's a cold night without you love
And it feels like I've had enough
Because life without you
Is like... life without..

We were together until that faithful day
When I just had something truely stupid to say
When you left me I didnt believe you were gone
When you left me I found out I was wrong..

I'm sorry, but I didn't know what to do
When a close one is dying infront of you
But I can see that you're happier now
And all I can do is just smile some how

It's a cold night without you love
And it feels like I've had enough
Because in your heart is where I call home
And without you love I feel so alone

It's a cold night without you love
And it feels like I've had enough
Because in your heart is where I call home
And without you love I feel so alone

I was hurt one day.. I took a pretty bad fall
All I wanted that night.. was for you to call
But I never blamed you... I didnt care
I know that you're happy... And all I can do is bare...
So before I go..I just want you to know
That if you ever need me... You'll know where to go...

It's a cold night without you love
And it feels like I've had enough
Because life without you
Is like... life without..

It's a cold night without you love
And it feels like I've had enough
Because in your heart is where I call home
And without you love I feel so alone

It's a cold night without you love
And it feels like I've had enough
All I do is shiver...
Without you love...I quiver...

-13.W

A Lack of Colour

2005-10-01T14:48:00.000-04:00

The name of this post is a really good song from Death Cab For Cutie...mind you...ALL of death cab's songs are good haha...Im dead serious, I dont know why I didnt get into them earlier...aaaand now Im hooked...hooooked...anyway...

Here I am...alone at Waterloo again..everybody went down for Adrian and Krishna's birthdays...I think Adrian's is today and Krishna's was on the 29th...so Happy Birthday to you too fellas...anywhoodles...so yea...here I am at Waterloo with Amy...Im not alone as long as she's with me...*mwah*...

I really dont know what I should be doing with my time right now....theres some reading that needs to get done, other than that....I think I should practice magic...I saw Sean Majumbder (dont know how to spell his last name) last night at the Humanities Theatre...funny funny man....I went to see him with Amy...we got free tickets...it was pretty cool...Amy and I were waiting in line to pick up the rest of my OSAP money, and then these people walk in to give away free tickets to see the show...this was like 10 minutes after Amy and I were talking about going to buy tickets to see the show after I picked up my OSAP money...

So I emailed Mr. Mac with my val speech, or whatever you want to call it...I, quite frankly, dont know anymore...he tore it apart...like...ripped it up...into pieces...little bite sized pieces..that..arent big enough to have a shape or form....*sigh*...so now I have to redo it....cause...yea....good lord....so damn hard to caputre "the universal experience" as Mr. Mac put it....I'm the "messenger" for that experience he went on to add...*sigh*...you know how they say "Don't shoot the messenger"?...yea..well..dont listen to them....*sigh*...

Butters has been holding down the fort of this blog..he's got a post coming up soon I think...I've been doing work...and absconding from writing this blog...I always say I'll get to it...but never do, sort of thing...

I saw Lost in Translation last night with Amy and ordered the Steak Fanatic Pizza from Dominoes...SHITTIEST PIZZA EVER...I hope the person who invented that pizza gets stabbed in the eye....anyway...I liked the movie....Amy fell asleep halfway through...but I liked it a lot...the POINT of the movie was kind of hard to grasp...but it was basically about 2 ppl, Bob and Charlotte, who bring happiness and excitement to each others' lives...great movie I'd say...it grows on you...I recommend it to anybody...

A lot of stuff has happened the past little while..just random stuff...I dont want to write about it all...but I'll be home next weekend for Thanksgiving...so I'll see you all when I get back I guess...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

I'm the luckiest man alive...

2005-09-24T02:47:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah

Today was the first day I got the car, and I got into an accident. I wont give much details on it because it's irrelevant right now.. what matters is how lucky I am to be sitting here blogging. When I saw the damaged car I freaked out.. I called Shawn to come over, why did I call Shawn? I really don’t know. He couldn’t do anything about it, but it's more of a security thing. When he came down to meet up with me I just broke down and everything. He told me everything was alright and for me not to worry. He called Robert and he came to look at the damage. He'll try to help me since he works at a mechanics for awhile now. Felix called me once I got home and I was a wreak but he stilled talked to me. Marlon also called. Nick tried calling me but we ended up talking online. Wilson,KD,jo and Sandy assured that everything was alright. Sandy even tried to call a personal friend to see if he could fix it on the spot

I've been through alot of shit in my life, and I always wonder why. My sister said that this happened for a reason, that there had to be a speical meaning behind all this. And there is.. God (as tacty as this may sound) showed me how important my friends are to me. Sometimes I dont think I deserve friends like the ones I have. So I thank you all, Shawn, Wilson, Felix, Nick, Robert, Marlon, KD, Sandy, Jo, and Nat.

Where did I go right.. sometimes I wonder, but it doesnt matter where I went right beause whereever I go, right or wrong, I know that my friends would be there for me, and I'm forever greatful.

3 am song

2005-09-20T03:24:00.000-04:00

Enjoy All

"Home"
MICHAEL BUBLE

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be allright
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

My Life in UT

2005-09-15T17:58:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Now this wouldnt be a proper blog unless I post it at UT. I just ate dinner here alone...in public for the first time. I cant say it's the best feeling in the world, but I guess I'll have to live through it. Work is getting alittle overwhelming here and please forgive me for any typo's or repeated words for I am some what in a rush. I have class tonight form 7-9 and I need to get going to get a good seat. My subjects are as followed, Chem,Calc,Plagues and People, Health and the env. and Bio. Seems like a decent load, and it kinda is, but subjects like calc and chem always gets me nervous.

I never did well in highschool with calc and chem, so naturally, in Uni I would be somewhat behind. My week has been eventful I guess. Lots of reading, and busing, something that I am also not use to. I'm already behind in Calc, and it doesnt seem like I can catch up anytime soon. The best new's I've got all week was finding out Shawn is coming down for my B-day. Hopefully Felix can do the same... Plagues and People, as well as Bio is the best classes I've ever taken, besides Food and Nut. in highschool.

During Plagues and People I sat beside Charlotte and after everytime the Prof took a long pasue, or stopped talking I would slow clap. 1 out of 3 times I go the whole lecture thre. to clap with me. The rest of the time I looked like a total dumbass. But charlotte laughed, and yea.. My prof probably hates me, but he's really cool, so lets hope he forgets who I am. Later that night I told Shawn about the slow clap, and it turns out that he did the same.That's boss, In uni and we're still dicking around, *does secret handshake with shawn* Nice...

During calc today I finally understood some stuff. I even called a kid dumb because he asked the prof in the middle of the lecture what a natural Log is. Dumbass...hehe. Near the end, when the prof was wrapping everything up, I started to play with my hair. For those who hasnt seen me for a couple weeks now I shaved off my hair, and for those who care, it's growing in nicely. Soon I will have my mohawk back and with that I can regain my confidence.

My 1st week in Uni has been the longest week of my life. Let's hope it doesnt continue like this. Class is about to start so I'm gonna try and kill time with some readings, since I'm gonna make ithome by 10 tonight and havent taken my nape yet, I doubt I can have enough energy to stay up and read.

(A boring blog for a boring University)
No song this week, But wait for it, I've been writting one for a while now, Think I'm about to post it soon =)

Here we are... (Random thoughts, hope you can catch up)

2005-09-12T02:33:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah

In 5 hrs I will be attending UT for the first time in my life and I'm scared half to death right now... but I guess that's natural. To calm down I went downstairs to get a drink of water and thought to myself... Here we are... We're all distance apart, hours away,but one thing that is close would be the feeling we're all feeling right now. I know that inside we're all scared and excited at the same time. I've never been this nervous before. I've went through surgery, and went on some crazy roller coasters but this is a new feeling. Is it a feeling of a fresh start? Maybe.. But as I lean on my kitchen counter holding my glass of water gazing at my timetable that's just stuck there on the fridge, I was wondering what my friends are doing now (mainly sleeping), but how they're feeling now. Are they as scared as I am, maybe more? And I thought to myself..

I talked to Amy earlier in the day and we discussed many things, from me loving white women, to the white women in waterloo and how amazingly hot they are, but one particular subject caught my attention. Of how Amy, though she misses people back here, doesn't miss her home. So I sit here and wonder, would I be the same? And it came to me. I always complained of how I couldn't afford to move out, how it was too costy, and though that may be true, maybe there was more to that. I'm scared to go to UT, what would give me the courage to move out. I admire those living in rez now, the courage they can mussel out just for their future. Ben told me that he had to go to guelph because it was a better program for him... It was almost like a sacrifice he had to give in order to be successful...

So here we are. All grown ups now, though we'll always be kids at heart. And our age doesn't make us grown ups, but the decisions we make. The decision to stay behind so they wouldn't burden their parents by saving up money living at home. The decision to move out because there's a good opportunity out there waiting for us. The deision to stay back in highschool because they have enough pride and courage to admit that they're not ready or they need a certain course to get into a program they are passionate about. This is will an interesting 4 years ...

Sparks
did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say
you say oh, sing one you know

I promise you this
I'll always look out for you
yeah that's what I'll do

you say ah...
I say ah...

my heart is yours
it's you that I hold onto
yeah that's what I do

I know I was wrong
I won't let you down
oh, yeah I will, yeah I will, yes I will

I say ah...
I cry ah...

yeah I saw sparks
yeah I saw sparks
and I saw sparks
yeah I saw sparks

singing out
la la la la la la (x4)

Here I am...

2005-09-10T16:24:00.000-04:00

So here I am..blogging on my laptop...my parents just left...I wanted to go to the mall with them, but I was afraid that I wouldnt be able to get my books today...so I told them I had to go, and when I got upstairs and checked the hours of the bookstore...they closed already...and my parents left cause they didnt wanna rush me...*sigh*...

its not that I dont like Waterloo...Amy is here, and I love her...but it's just that...fuck...I dont know...I cant explain it...I just want to be where everyone is....or at least know where everybody is...if Im not...I feel left out...forgotten...abandoned...which is what this weekend is for me...abandonment...I could have went home, but I didnt...I stayed cause I love Amy and I don't want her to be more alone than she already is...but I just feel like everybody abandoned Amy and I, for home...I dunno if Amy feels the same way I do...cause well...she doesnt miss her home...but I miss mine...I dunno...

...its like...I stayed for Amy...but....who stayed for me....

I...have issues dont i?....*sigh*...ah well...I still hope ur all having fun doing whatever ur doing down in scarborough...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

Lisa Simpson Syndrome

2005-09-09T23:11:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah:

Once again I post even when I said I wouldn't for a long time, but since school has yet to start and I have nothing to do, might as well post. Lisa Simpson Syndrome is the title of this post that fits my emotions very well I would say. We've all, most of us, seen The Simpsons episode when Lisa was sad, and for no good reason she was just sad. Well for the past couple of days, perhaps a week now, I have been struck by the LSS. I'm not sad about anything in particular, I'm just sad. Perhaps it's the fact that my good friends have gone having a great time, and I'm stuck here. But I should not be jealous of my friends, and I doubt I am. And since I haven't talked to Shawn for a while about my problems, nor Wilson, I might as well rant on for my fellow blog readers out there. (Not to make Shawn/Wilson guilty for anything).

Today was uneventful, I guess I woke up on the wrong side of bed because I woke up pretty pissed off. Why? I have no clue really. So the whole day I was pretty quiet. I recorded a new greeting voice message for my cell phone. It's lyrics from Jude Law and a semesters aboard by Brand New. And all you hear is "And even if her plane crash-ish tonight she'll find some way to disappoint me" *Beep*

Around 5 was time for work for me. I don't look forward to work, it's just something I need to get by, and money for my goals in the future. It's something that I need, not want. During work I was talking to this new cook, Dina is her name, and we were talking about bubble tea and such. She looked kinda down today, which is somewhat odd because she's always smiling, so I asked what her favorite flavor was and stepped out for 5 mins. I came back holding two bubble teas, one mine and the other hers. Hopefully that had brighten up her day alittle. I know how hard it is to be a new cook... 10pm was when I was off work. It was kinda dark out, but I decided to walk home. Gas prices, thought lowered, are still high, so there was no point in wasting gas on little old me.

Coming home and watching a new South park show was the highlight of my day. It was pretty funny.

I find myself to care less about the world around me, it's a sad and sick feeling that I would like to get rid of, and only time will tell. I really do not want to draw attention that my b-day is coming up, but might as well. I did not book the weekend of my bday off because I really dont see a point. No pity for me please, I give myself that way to often and I'm sick of it. For those who remember or even care about when my b-day is, you should know when it is, and yea.. This isnt like my other B-day, when I was back in highschool, Nis,Redford,Krishna,Shawn and Jamil, I owe them alot for buying me 'A walk to remember' dvd, and 'The Lizzie McGuire Movie' dvd. It's ashame that there was so much tension between Redford and I, else I would of repayed him for that amazing bday gift. But I guess nothing can stay perfect in this world.

I'm in a very dark period in my life, and I honestly dont know why. I guess this is the Lisa Simpson Syndrome...

A corny song I know, but hey, I need a song like this once in a while. Btw, thanks Felix for the advice man, always there when I need you.

"Hold On"

This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
Your mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know

Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to know more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to know more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on

What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...What are you waiting for?

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on

Duck Hunt...

2005-09-08T02:05:00.000-04:00

Duck Hunt I swear is the greatest game ever created...we met like 4 new people today who were simply curious as to how in the hell we can play duck hunt, in the midst of all of the ps2's and xbox's....like I said...its the greatest game ever made...male/female/ MAGNET haha....I guess people are just as nostalgic as I am...

Today was an alright day...we started out by going to pick up my OSAP...but that didnt work out because I need to have my SIN card with me, and not just my number....so...I need to call my mom and tell her to bring it up when she can...

(by the way...everybody except amy and i are leaving for the weekend to go back to Scarborough...I'm not going because then Amy would be alone, as even Joanna has decided to ditch the girl and go back to Scarborough to see "the guys" or what-not...)

Anywhoodles...after that we all went back to our suite...krishna, me, elaine, vanessa, felix....and then simone made his way back...Lauren from the down the hall stopped by to say hello...twas a good time...then Amy came over and walked into my room expecting to find me under the sheets, but it was really felix, and I fell out of the closet laughing because we surprised her good haha..*mwah*...soon after, we went to felix/nelly's place where we met Ian and Andrew and David....after duck hunt and such, we went to go eat at Mongolian Grill...it was alright..."kbbq is 5 levels up" according to Krishna, and I agree haha...the waiter forgot Amy's bill, so she got a free meal...haha go her...and well then we went back to Jo/Amy's place where we met Kyle, Holly, and some other white dood, who all were sucked in by the beauty of duck hunt...

Anyway, its 2am and I'm dead tired...the long and short of it...we ended up at Felix/Nelly's place until 15 minutes ago where Jo was playing Donkey Kong...etc...haha....I gotta write the ELPE tmr...English shizzle...gotta wake up bright and early haha....

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

(Waterloo frosh is lame)

Anyway, a bunch

I give up...

2005-09-06T14:09:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah

1st:Happy early B-day for Sandy btw =)

So school has began for many, not me, not yet =)... Ahhhh 'I give up..." A proper title for my how I'm feeling right now. Until now.. I've honestly never felt so lonely in my life. I'm sooo tired of liking someone only having to find out that they like someone else. It seems like I've been used/played upon. And I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy for them when really, I wish they'd both..*insert Jude Law And A Semester Abroad lyrics here*. I've made a goal to try and not complain so much about my life.

Honestly I have it good here, I have my health, my friends and I use to have my hair until I shaved it off :|. But the reason I'm venting is because I DO want to start off a school year fresh, (as w3rdna would put it) and not see the negative side to it.

Fine I go to UTSC, I dont give a shit, laugh if you want whoever you may be, and fine I'm not going to Western or Mac because of money, laugh again, go right ahead. But I'll be the one laughing when you, your childern and your childern's childern is serving me. Time to give up on being so god damn stubborn. Gonna go to UT tomorrow to meet some new faces. To make some friends, and have a good time. Though I sound very bitter, I sort of am.

But theres one thing I do give up on and thats looking for someone out there that's right for me. I really dont care anymore I'm sooooooo tired of putting my heart out there only to be stomped on. Theres no better feeling the that right... So throw in the white flag, and stick a fork in me...I'm done.

"Straitjacket Feeling"

Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on, straitjacket feeling
so maybe I won't be alone
Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was hell
But today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again

Trust you is just one defense
off a list of others, you don't make sense
Beg me time and time again
to take you back now, but you can't win
Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was hell
But today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you

And when the memory slips away
There will be a better view from here
And only lonesome you remains
and just the thought of you I fear
it falls away

Yesterday was hell
But today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you

Here I am...

2005-09-04T19:11:00.000-04:00

So here I am, at Waterloo....god damn this place is big....my room is the smallest of the the 3 of ours (Simon, me, Krishna)...its still alright, I like cozy places....I'm sooo fucking tired from walking around all day long with Chris and Michelle who live in the rez ALL THE WAY ACROSS CAMPUS...

It hit me today, when I laid in my bed, after my parents had just left...I'm in university...scary feeling...but awesome none the less...already met a bunch of new people, and goin out a bit later to meet some more new people...

Last night as a send off we all went to the bluffs, and we started a fire and it was awesome...completely awesome...started reminiscing...and telling stories of times past....greatest send off ever...perfect way to end the summer...

Amy's coming tmr...things are gonna be good...I can feel it...hehe...it's our 1 year...gonna live it up haha..*mwah* I love you baby...

Cheers all, wherever you all are,

- Shawnathan

(I'd like to think that thru the net, we're all still connected...unless you delete each other, or dont use the net...)

Brothers...

2005-09-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

This is will be my final post until midterms is over. I need to concentrate on school to raise my GPA so I can get a transfer because that's all that matters. And post may be corny.. =)

Last night was the final night I got to see my friends before they left for uni. We had a wicked time, we went bowling from 11-12:30, after so we went to the bluffs, started a fire and just sat around saying "remember when..." or "What I'll miss the most would be..."

Starting the fire was the biggest bitch, but once we got it going man was it amazing. We found boxes to burn, pads, paper, wood, and Shawn and I were lucky enough to find fire fuel. The flame went on all night. Before the fire got started two cops came and asked us questions. They asked if we had alcohol or drugs, and when we said no, they called us lame. Haha that was wicked.

I have named this brothers because my friends are no longer friends to me but brothers. Saying goodbye to Shawn and Felix is like saying goodbye to my brothers, and when we drove off, all Nick,Nis,Marlon, and I talked about was how hard it was to say goodbye. Nick admitted that he was glad he left early, he didnt think he could hold it in if he had to drive shawn, and neither would I be able to.

Shawn has been there for everything, and though we get into some, or many stupid fights, we've always looked passed it. I use to think that to have a best friend you have to know that person for a long time, but that's not true what so ever. I've known Shawn for 3 years and we've been best friends for atleast 1 and half year. Shawn knows what I'm thinking of, and when I'm down he would know. He'd come to visit with Nick, and that's what I'll miss the most. I'll miss the nights when I would bitch about my crummy love life while he drives me around the town. And he's always there to listen. I call him to bug him when he's with Amy, and he's never gotten THAT mad. Felix is the same, so is the rest. All of them are calm cool and collective. No matter what happens we never get seriously piss. Felix has been for me for a long time as well. He's ALWAYs good for money, haha, and no matter what happens he's always so fucking positive.

It was hard to watch my friends go, but it's harder to hold back the tears. But this blog isnt all about Shawn and Felix. It's about all the guys, becauase for a while, I know we wont have time to hang out together. Even I didnt really hang out that much during the school year.

But Shawn has promised to continue posting, and I promised that I would read them. We all have our cell phones, and since Felix is rogers we can call each other for free, wicked. They'll both come back on November, and we'll see each other then....

The english dictionary describes brothers as "A male having the same parents as another or one parent in common with another" but I define a brother as a person who is there for you. A friend that's willing do sacrafice their time for your happiness. People who will be there for the break ups and make ups. A drinking pal. A person willing to rollerblade with you at 4am. A person who understands. People there that always have something funny to say when you're down. Where money is not a problem, where everyone is far. Yea....

Simon Mah's Dictionary
Brothers: Shawn,Felix,Nick,Nis,Marlon,Robert,Jj

This song's for you guys, Much Love:
The video doesnt work, but please go to this site:

http://www.musicvideocodes.com/?song=2360
http://www.musicvideocodes.com/?song=855

Cheers all....

2005-09-01T01:58:00.000-04:00

My next post will be from Waterloo, where I'll be staying for the next 5 years, in 4 month intervals...it wont be so bad...

So you lost touch with people, doesnt matter, the ones who mean the most are the ones who are still around, by your side...

I'm not writing a going-away blog, I'll see you all again in November for Commencement...my Valedictorian speech will be my going-away blog...it's just not the same online...the emotion has to be seen...

Until then...good luck...I love you all...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

The Last Song

2005-08-31T01:09:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Just wanted to dedicate a song to my friends that are moving up in life, not on.
Cheers

"The Last Song"

This may be the last thing that I write for long
Can you hear me smiling when I sing this song, for you and only you

As I leave will you be someone to say good-bye
As I leave will you be someone to wipe your eye
My foot is out the door, and you can't stop me now

You wanted the best, it wasn't me, will you give it back
Now I'll take the lead, when there's no more room to make it grow
I'll see you again, you'll pretend you're naive, is this what you want
Is this what you need, how you end up let me know.

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope, that you will miss me when
I'm gone
This is the last song

The hearts start breaking as the year is gone
The dream's beginning and the time rolls on
It seems so surreal, now I sing it.
Somehow I knew that it would be this way,
Somehow I knew that it would slowly fade.
Now I am gone, just try and stop me now.

You wanted the best, it wasn't me, will you give it back
Now I'll take the lead, when there's no more room to make it grow
I'll see you again, you'll pretend you're naive, is this what you want
Is this what you need, how you end up let me know.

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope, that you will miss me when
I'm gone
This is the last song

And will you need me now, you'll find a way somehow
You want it too, I want it too.

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope, that you will miss me when
I'm gone
This is the last song
[repeat 2x]

Fucking bitch...

2005-08-27T20:59:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Faye's BBQ was yesterday, I typed a whole blog for it.. but my comp froze...so.. I'll pust post a bunch a pics inside ^^ : (Some pics of the gang, the gift we got Faye that we made ourself, the dog, and Yukit touching the dog in a very sexual way)

Today was a wicked day. We had a VERY EARLY meeting at around 9:30, so of course I showed up at around 10. We talked about stuff.. *looks around*. And yea... After the meeting Nat,Bon,Rami,Yukit and I went to watch Derek's softball game. It was pretty fun, I'm naturally tired, so I yawned pretty loud in the game, and Bon kinda hit me for that...even though I didnt do it on purpose Y.Y. I made alot of good puns during the game, I was on fire. Like there was this guy with the last name 'Savage' and I said something like

OH HE'S AN ANIMAL!

and there was this, kinda fat black guy on bat and I said

He must be a heavy hitter

, quitly though, didnt want to hurt anyones feelings. Needless to say, Derek's win PWNED the other team, 13:3 or was it 17:3 i forgot. After the game we all decided to go eat some sushi at this buffet near by. Derek didnt come because he had to drive the other players home. Sushi was...it wasnt the best. But it's not about the food for me, its about the company, and we all had a wicked time.

When I got home I started watching the Family guy movie, wasnt the best, but still funny I guess. But had to stop in the middle because I was feeling really sick.. I started sweating alot and felt like throwing up. It had to be the sushi.. So I took a little nap, once I woke up Julie and I went to Pmall to get a wallet.

When I entered Pmall, within 5 mins I told Julie I wanted to go home. She asked me why and I told her it was because I didnt feel like I fit in. It felt weird for me.. and that's when you know you're white washed. So we went around looking for wallets until I stumpled upon this anime store (The same one we bought Jo's bday gift). And there I found it.. a FMA (Full metal alchemist) wallet.. It was godly.. Julie told me to look around first so after 15 more mins of walking around I got it. It's sooo wicked. for 27$ thought, but worth every penny. Its a black wallet with like white stitching on the side, and in the middle is a silver plaque with this symbol on it:

You're a nerd when you buy something like this... even Nat called me and Nerd.. and you KNOW thats when you're a nerd...*sigh*
But something else caught my eye.. THE FMA POCKET WATCH!!!! I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT..too bad I was in a rush... hmm my Bday is coming up *wink*

Damn right bitch, got the New HD CD: w00t w00t:

Fuck, theres only 1 week left with my fav. people in the world. Tuesday: 2nd Lunch Gang dinner. Wed/Thursday: Grace Gang/Shawn feat Inuyasha Cat's Final Night

Just got this pic so I had to post it up, I call it "Two Gangsta Nerds That Just Woke Up For A Ball Game"

"Screaming Infidelities"

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home

[1.]
I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet
Make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever."

[2.]
Well As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone
Making out.

I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending.

[1.]
I am alone
In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have speak, and
This bottle of beast is taking me home.

[2.]

Your hair, it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities

...

2005-08-25T12:27:00.000-04:00

Fuck man...I apologize...I dont know what to say...on Saturday I didnt have a way of getting to the car wash, but I guess thats no excuse...I'm sry doodles...with all my heart I'm sry...don't let the shitty turn out get you down though...I mean there was a giant ass flood the day before...act of God really...

...I feel like such a jerk man, I apologize...and I did miss you online...the Cats just aren't the Cats without Butters...

Sry again man...

- Shawnathan

Again I Go Unnoticed

2005-08-25T12:01:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,
=================================================================
Before I begin, I would like to thank Nelly, Nis, Andrea, and Andrew for offering me their blogs to advertise my car wash. And thank Charlotte for making the poster. Thanks kids, I owe you all one.
=================================================================

'Again I Go Unnoticed' a song by Dashboard confessionals, and a feeling I've been feeling for some time now. I dont really know how to describe this feeling,it's a feeling of not being appreciated for all that you've done, and it seems like everything you've tried so hard to accomplish is a lost cause. I guess the best example that most people would understand would be when you like someone. And you would do anything for someone but in the end finding out that they like someone else and it seems like they were just using you. Thankfully I havent felt that for a long time, but you know that I mean.

So what has caused me to feel this way? Well mainly the Carwash that I was running really. I was running this charity carwash and I didnt make much money, didnt even make 100$...which I'm pretty pissed about. But people had their excuses, I mean, it did flood the day before, but none of my friends came and support me and my car wash. I try my best to come and see everyones show,tournament and give my support, but I didnt see a familiar face in sight when I needed it. But it's just been a long couple of days and just wanted to get this off my back. When I talk about shows and tournaments I'm not trying to point fingers at Shawn and Jamil, these are just examples I'm trying to give out to people. But again this was just something I had to get off my back, I'm sure this feeling would shrug off soon. But it's not that bad...Shawn missed me =P, atleast someone did

These past days have been an eventful one. I had accomplish much during this summer, and it has been one of the best summers I can ever remember. I got my g2 for those who care, and something AMAZING happened in Kim possible. =P For those who watch, Wade actually left his room..amazing shit. I'm about to step out now and get Hilary's New CD "Most wanted" I'm somewhat ashamed that I didnt get it earlier but oh well. Last night I got a 20$ gift card to anything where in STC from my Manager for putting in extra shifts because people always call in sick or bail out last minute... wicked was just what I needed for the week I've been having. Not much to say, mainly because it's the morning and I'm DAMN tired....and About to step out and get HD's CD! Until then, more details of my g2 test will be provided... =

"Again I Go Unnoticed"

So quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation
exhale,
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.

Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?

Close lipped
another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.

I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again
out of the corner of my eye
won't be the only way you're looking at me then.

Look closer...

2005-08-17T15:32:00.000-04:00

Look a little more closely at the poster/ad that Butters posted....

Saturday 20th, and Sunday 21th...

...21th...twenty-oneth...lol...

I'll be there on Sat. if anybody cares or wants to stop on by...support the cause...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

Please Donate

2005-08-16T22:50:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Fellow readers.. I'm holding a Car wash with all proceeds going to a Sexual assault care center. It'll mean alot if you guys swing by Saturday or Sunday and donate a dollar or two, every buck counts =)

The Keg...

2005-08-12T09:10:00.000-04:00

Tonight is Nis' Bday Dinner...after long debate...we're having it at The Keg...Nis wants a huge ass steak and we're going to give it to him....mm..mm.mmm....I can't wait for that steak...

..but before that...York called me some time ago, hired me to do another show for them on September 6th...it's for their frosh week...so I agreed cause A) I love doing magic, B) Good to get my name out there, C) They are paying me...win-win really....I know what you're thinking...I'll be in Waterloo...but I got it covered...my cousin, who is already in Waterloo is going to drive me back and forth to do the show...maybe I can get him to chauffeur my other gigs haha...I have like 2 shows inclusing York and 2 Christmas parties lined up...I gotta stop tellin people I'm alright to do these shows lol...

..we finished working on Mr. Mac's house...repaving his driveway and creating a walkway for his lawn...tiring..ass..work...maaan oh man...but he was paying Jamil and I 10/hour to do it, so it really compensates for the lack of job haha..I quit McDonalds like last week...tired of working...didnt wanna work in the first place...got guilted into it by my parents...but its like...my entire first term of uni. is paid for...and my second term is Co-op..that's 4 months of a full-time job...9-5...so even if I work at minimum wage, I'd be able to pay my tuition for third term on my own (theoretically, of course)...and I wanna enjoy my last summer here in Scarborough with my friends while I still can...

..so those 2 magicians that I was supposed to meet...stood me up...lol...waited for 3 fucking hours...they didnt show...or call..or anything...that was Saturday...I FINALLY got into contact with 1 of them YESTERDAY (Thursday), and he said "sry bout that day" or sum shit that didnt own up to the magnitude of the situation..so we talked...and now I'm meeting him on Monday morning for a Coffee (I dont drink Coffee...hate the stuff)...HOPEFULLY I'm meeting him Monday...he's 1-0 for no-shows...*sigh*...after they stood me up and I went home and changed my msn name to "I actually hate all performers young and old."....so me and the guy are talking and he's like.."So..I hear you hate all performers young and old..."...ak..ward...lol

..ah well..today Butters and I are going out and getting Nis' gift and then getting some lunch at Pho (pronounced Pheu)...should be a good time...

..I wont bother posting anything about all the drama thats gwanin in our little circle of friends...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

Im still alive...

2005-08-04T08:30:00.000-04:00

I apologize for not posting, whoever has been reading this...but Butters seems to have everything under control, except for the "Achive" at the top of the our blog which is very very visible now with the blog's new face lift...before it was off in the corner and I think only I noticed, but never really bothered to fix it, cause well...its his mistake, he should fix it....the music vids are pretty cool...and I miss my hair...nice photo....

Yesterday I blogged, but closed the window by accident, so I was like, fuck it...and didnt bother..I was very out of it yesterday...I got my wisdom teeth out at 8 in the morning...they gave me water that wasnt water...and knocked me right out...it was funny cause they had to give me more cause I kept showing the nurses magic while I was supposed to be sleeping...

Anywhoo..today I'm goin to work for Mr. Mac at his place...gonna be a good time as usual...

Tmr is beautiful..

Saturday I'm meeting up with Bobby Motta and Ray Chance and Allan Jay is gonna come with me...so like 4 magicians in the same place..shit gotta gwan...anyway...the reason I'm meeting up with them, is because they are going to help me get my effect marketed...I invented this trick a long time ago, some of you might have seen me perform it..it's called "The Haunted Deck"....the effect is so great...ppl have run screaming...i've even been hit on shortly afterwards haha...both very amusing reactions...here's a description of the effect in case you havent seen it before:...

The spectator selects a card, and then places it back in the deck themselves. Then I show them the card case and they see that there is absolutely nothing inside. And while they are holding on to it, their card appears inside. I then take a pencil crayon nub and drop it inside of the box and give it a shake, and when I open it, the name of their card is written all over the walls of the inside of
28/07/2005 2:57:42 AM Shawnathan says: This is not an exit.... aftermath. of the case.

...The day also marks the day of my Aunt's surprise 50th bday party...as well as Andrea's party...at my Aunt's party they wanted me to do magic for them...so I guess I should practice...at Andrea's party I'll prolly end up doing magic for SOMEBODY there...oh well...good to get my name out there among strangers..

Sunday I'm going to see my babycakes...I love you sweetie...we're going to do nothing like usual and I'm going to love every minute of it hehe...*mwah*...

Monday is...I dunno...havent gotten there yet

Cheers all,

- Shawnathan

Under Construction, But please, enjoy this Music vid while you're waiting =)

2005-07-29T03:16:00.000-04:00

JEW (Jimmy eat world) - Work

Video code provided by Music code videos

If you only once would let me
Only just one time
Then be happy with the consequence
With whatever's gonna happen tonight
Don't think we're not serious
When's it ever not
The love we make is give and it's take
I'm game to play along

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time

oh oh, oh oh oh
oh oh, oh oh oh

All the best DJs are saving
Their slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and you
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

oh oh, oh oh oh
oh oh, oh

'Tell yourself, how lucky you are'

2005-07-23T04:00:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

It's always at night time I get my thoughts. I'm dead tired, but I just can't sleep. So the title is 'Tell yourself, how lucky you are', a quote I stole from a Seussical song. Why such a title? Well, after finishing up my 'Big' project, I've had alot of time to think and work. Today I worked in the ER, and as always am left amazed at how kind some people are, how people can be an ass and turn a blind eye, and how no matter how hard one tries, they will always be braned as a failure by design.

The ER is not a happy place. People are suffering all the time, and sometimes I dont even feel like going there and helping out. It's a place that just pushes you back as much as you try to get close. Such as today, I woke up at around 11, while my shift begins at 12, and I was sitting in my room for 20 mintues thinking..."Should I even go to work today?" "Would people even notice that I'm there?" Sometimes I apply that thought with my life in general, but I'll save that thought for another post. Needless to say, I made it to the hospital late. I did the usual, went around, checking if everyone was alright, changed some beds, and talk to some nurses. I heard and seen the usual as well, a woman moaning in pain, a worried parent, another case of "She just feel"...douchebags. But around 1 things got alittle "interesting".

Seeing my skin color, I am alittle chinese, sigh I know, so I was asked to translate for a patient. "Alright sure, I've done this many times, always glad to help" I thought to myself, but it was a strange case.

For those who wonder if I'm breaking the confidential rule, the answer is 'No, I'm not. I'm just not allowed to mention any names, other then that I can refer to the person as "this person"'

I was asked to go to this room where I would had to help translate over the phone for someone. See, what happened was that this kid was riding his/her bike and got hit by a car. He/She's alright, but the weird thing is, (fuck it) he didnt know chinese at all. He didn't even understand it, so naturally I had to call his grandparents and tell them what happened. I took down the numbers of his mom's work place and his dad's cell from his grandparents. But before I hung up I was asked by one of the PM's to ask if the boy was slow, as in metally slow.

I dont know about you people.. but that's a hard question to ask someone Y.Y. Well, the answer was yes... so yea. I called his parents and they said they'd come ASAP.

The father came first, and I met him at the door, like I promised. I told him everything the PM's told me and then he saw his son. His patients parents dont speak a lick of english, and the patient only spoke english, and doesnt understand chinese at all, So how can there be communication in that household?. I asked the father that and he starts telling me how nobody talks to him at home. How he doesnt study, how no matter how hard they try, they dont talk to each other. He also told me how they took him to chinese school and tried to teach him chinese, but because of his condition, he couldn't learn anything. He then rants on about how he'll never make it to university, and how he'll never get a great job.

The father is a complete dick

But it was still obvious that he was concern. He kept on asking about his child, and he stay positive about the situation. I told the father to go outside since there was no point in staying and waiting for like an hour.

I went on to continue doing my other jobs until I saw the patient bored out of his mind. So I put everything off and went to talk to him. He's a smarter kid then other's would think. He talks wonders about how he loves playing video games, how he plays alone, and though sometimes you would have to call his name a couple times to get his attention, and wait a mintue or two for a response, it was still an interesting conversation. I went to the Xray room with him because he asked me to, but was not allowed in the room this time.

But while I was waiting outside I saw this old lady. We started talking and she told me how she was in the hospital for 4 weeks, and how they always do checks on her even thought she doesnt think she needs them. After 5 mins, the Xrays were done and he was moved back into the ER. The results were in and there were no broken bones. *phew*

We all have trouble at home, at school, or with friends. But we take everything for granted. We all have atleast one person that loves us out there. It doesn't matter if it's your parents,siblings,grandparents,friends,aunts or uncles. Love is love, and we should all be greatful that we have it. We're all in university now, and it doesnt matter which one we go to, a universities a universites. Each has it's pros and cons. And if you're staying behind, it doesnt matter either. You have the ability to learn, you have the ability to advance. And when it's all said and done, it's always nice to have a friend's shoulder to cry on. Or a friend to laugh with. It's always easy to look at the bad things in life, it takes true courage and wits to look at the good stuff.

"What's this? A optimistic Dr.Mah?"
Fuck no, but whenever something bad happens, just tell yourself "how lucky you are"

Feel better Zahra... I think you're sick? *shrugs*

"Blue And Yellow"
By: The Used

And it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you

waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste my time with you

should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste my time with you

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way my hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you

[whispering:]
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

Untitled

2005-07-21T03:43:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Here we are once again.. it's 3am and I'm suppose to be sleeping, but once again I have become the insomnic one. But this blog will be a personal one, more like a conversation... and I'll try my best to not make any spelling and/or grammer mistakes. I always wanted to write something deep, something like what Redford or Felix can come up with, but it doesn't matter anymore. I mean, ever since the song 'Ex BestFriends' came out, I doubt I have any fans left. But I still have a couple and that's all that matters.

So some may wonder, "What does this person have to say this time?" "It's rather he's bitching about how he lost a girl, or how bad his life is" Well dear friends, this post is not about any of that. I'm laying on my bed getting ready to sleep when I start thinking of the past. I've always been one to dwell to much on something that doesn't deserve to be dwelled upon, not to offend anyone or anything, so I decided to pick up my ipod and start listening to some music. So there I was, laying on my bed listen to 'Photography' by Starting Line. (For those who dont go to Campbell, that was one of the songs used in the slide show during Formal)

So there I was listen to that song.. trying my hardest to sleep. So I close my eyes, and I listen to the rythem of the song. I listen to every cord, to every temple, to every beat of the drum.. and think about grade 9. The up's, the downs... How I met Charlotte, and we departed, and how life moved on. I never had much friends in grade 9. I was just a well rounded person, if I knew you I would hang out with you. Grade 9 was also when I met great friends such as Jenn, Dengy, Krishna, Ken, and Justin. Naturally, after a person would think about grade 9, they would move on to grade 10.

Grade 10 was an awesome year as well, it was when Kings and I got close, before we split apart, and it was the year I met Jamil and was introduced to Brotherhood. Otherwise known as 'The Family' back then. I just watch the video of the Hot mustard eating contest, those were great times. And though I know most of you wouldn't read this... they were great times...thanks.
"Brotherhood" *bows down* "I would just like to thank you all for the wicked times we had, though we all had 'beef' in the pass.. let's just try to forget about them for a mintue or two and just look back on the good times we had together. Cheers"

Grade 11 is a bitter/sweet part of my life. I lost many people I loved, friends,family members, and a very special person. But with that I also gained alot of good friends. Shawn, my best friend. Wilson, my best friend. Billy,Jamil, Nis, Simon, Felix, Nick, Marlon, Adrian, Ken, Dengy, Manda, Jo, Andrew, w3rdna, Park, Ben, Nelly, vee, KD, chero and Robert, my very close friends.

And then there was grade 12. I havent much memory of this year, even though it has been the most recent, I guess because my heads were in the books most of the time. And I spend my time worrying about Uni. And that's when it hit me...
...Highschool is over

It may be obvious for some, but have you ever really thought about it? We all say that we'll stay friends forever, but can we really? I mean, we can try, but we all know that a good portion of people wont keep and touch, and we can't blame them for that, because it's hard. So what am I gabbering about? I'm not sure myself really. I guess I just want to spill my guts out because I'm tired of compressing all this inside. I'll Miss highschool alot....4 years has gone and pass in a flash.
And I'll miss everyone greatly.

I can't write deep and meaningful blogs. And I may never have perfect grammer and/or spelling, but I write blogs that means something me, and that's good enough.

Not my best song, but i've been working on it since forever, migth as well just post it up

"PosterBoy of United Way"
By: SM

Shut the door, and close the lights
You better pretty yourself up tonight
Dont want to make him mad
He'll end up making you sad
"shhh" here he comes
And your knees are feeling numb
But stay strong and put on that smile
Maybe he'll leave you be for a while

Love doesn't come in black and blue
Leave him love
Love isnt worth what you're going through
I dont understand love
Do you like the pain
Explain it love
Have you gone insane

You wait for his call, only to be yelled at
He calls you names and even said you're fat
He takes his frustation on you
And when he feels like it he calls you boo
You're friends are all worried
Must you try to be brave
Are you waiting to be saved...
By another man whom you're not allowed to talk to
Because that's one of his stupid rules?

Love doesn't come in black and blue
Leave him love
Love isnt worth what you're going through
I dont understand love
If pain is what you like
I rather you go from above
And jump down 88 flights

Because it's going to be a Cold Night with or without him
It'll be a Cold Night without that Sin
But it's to late now isn't it?
Becuase now you will fit
Where he belongs down below
Six feet under you will go
Ashes to Ashes, Dawn and Dust
Why do good girls always must
Must feel the tourment, Must feel this Pain
By the PosterBoy of United Way
-13.W

Surprise, Surprise

2005-07-18T18:26:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Quick blog, Congrats on the new job Shawn, and the new haircut, steal me some burgers, pull an Ant =D
Wicked song, been stuck in my head all day, Enjoy!

"Surprise, Surprise"

"Hey there love, let's get to catching up.
'Cause I been thinking those thoughts
that must have slipped my mind
that time that I left you there that night."
I replied, "Let me remind you of the guy
you failed to mention all along.
'Cause your actions have consequences and these are them."

[Chorus:]
I'll be your friend in hell, until then I despise you.
And I probably always will.
I can't afford to make another mistake like this,
'Cause this is more than I can take.
I don't mean to leave angry, this is by your own devise.
I'm sure this comes as no surprise.

Hey there babe, don't mean to cut you off,
but I've heard enough lies and you're dying to get caught.
I'll let you go call all your friends.
"Oh my god! Let me describe to you this guy,
his name is Ken, he's in this band that writes such,
awful songs about me all the time."
You're goddamn right!

[Chorus]

Fine, just let me lie here for a while,
'Cause I'll be staying up, yeah hanging up all night.
Oh, I'm spent of all attention that I've given.
To a hopeless case, to a sharp headache, to a choice you make
To the reason why I, to the reason why I say.

[Chorus:]
I'll be your friend in hell, until then I despise you.
And I probably always will.
I can't afford to make another mistake like you.
I'm sure this comes as no surprise.
I'm sure this comes as no surprise.
Surprise, surprise.

First day of work...

2005-07-14T00:42:00.000-04:00

Ah lets see..McDonalds is easy..friendly people...nice environment...nice place overall....at pizza hut I'd be doing atleast 4 of their jobs....but at McD its different....I called them today cause they hadnt called me in for training yet, so I was gettin a little bit weirded out..I called and they told me that I should go in today at 4:30...lasted until 10:00...and I'm going to be doing the same thing tmr, except I start at 4:00...

I have 2 magic shows coming up...1 show this saturday is for my family actually, its a bridal shower for this girl I've never met before, that is getting married to a relative I never talk to...haha...pretty cool...I guess...Trying to put in older people magic haha...Damned kids...running my life...

The other one is the Goldhawk Community Picnic one...July 23rd..the day Im supposed to go into Waterloo for Student Life 101...that sucks cause I miss out on meeting all of my class mates...but oh wells...some things are better left as a surprise I guess...

(My laptop is so kickass)

I just recently started talkin to this magician I met on the board who apparently lives near me, like 3 minutes away...and he has like 2 friends who I worked with today at McD..Criselda and David...2 very nice people..he invited over to his house to watch a movie...I'm taking Ben along with me...it'll be a good time I hope..if he doesnt rape us or anything haha...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

(P.S. Im writing Amy 51 letters, 1 for every line in our favorite song...47 more to go I think haha...labour of love)

Here I am...

2005-07-05T11:50:00.000-04:00

So here I am, posting on my brand new laptop and man oh man what a beautiful laptop it is...it's a Compaq R4000 if any of you care to google it or whatever...the specs. are awesome...and its solely mine...which is the best part....

Yesterday, was Amy's and I's official 1-year anniversary...well...techinically it was the anniversary that celebrated our first meeting again after a long long time apart...and the day was lovely...it had its ups and downs as does any other day...but the ups far outweighed the downs...we went to the bluffs, we went to the park to just lay there on a blanket and stared up at the sky and the lovely tree we were under...that was like..heaven..right there...i couldnt have asked for a better moment in my life...we went to dinner at Swiss Chalet, and we went to breakfast at Markham Station...2 very lovely meals, with 1 very very lovely person...Amy and I, keep doing this thing, where we are thinking the exact same thing at that moment, or we were going to say the exact same thing...its really quite freaky, and yet romantic at the same time...whatever it is, I love doing it cause it shows we're sort of connected I guess...we "click"...anyway...the day was just lovely....we the entire time together, mostly in each other's arms...I'm not going to lie to you all..Amy and I fight quite a bit...but it's worth it...it really is..cause the good times far outweigh the bad...and I'm okay with our fights, cause in all honestly, we're still just starting out, and working out the kinks....some kinks just took a longer time to surface than others...but I'd do anything for the girl, and I'm willing to work at it cause she's worth it..we're worth it...

Speaking of romanticism...I saw The Notebook last night..and oh dear sweet jesus mary mother of god son of jospeh born in a barn....it is THE greatest love story ever...by the end of the movie I was blubbering like a baby...and really guys, it takes a real man to cry...last half hour of that movie..nothing but tears...felt so tired afterwards haha...if you are a hopeless romantic you'll LOVE this movie...I know I did...

Speaking of The Notebook...it saved my ass...saved it good...see I told my mom I spent the night at Nick's, but because I made my brother 3 minutes late for work, he ratted me out to my mom, and said I didnt come home, and that I made him late for work....so she asked me for Nick's number....so I gave it to her...but then quickly called Nick on my cellphone, so my mom would get a busy signal....DODGED A BULLET...never get call waiting nick...NEVER....so I was scared for the rest of the night that my mom would just up and call and speak to nick's mom...so that's when I watched Notebook to take my mind off of the situation that would most likely cause my untimely doom...after I was done, and I wiped the tears from my eyes...I went into the living room with the DVD..told my dad to turn off whatever he was watching....I put in the DVD...told my dad to turn it on...he switched to the DVD channel...and you should have seen my mom's face light up when she saw The Notebook on the screen...it was priceless...see she's been asking me for it for a long time now...she saw it in the theatres and loved it...she even read the book afterwards and loved it...and I beleive that after that moment when she saw that The Notebook was in the DVD player, all was forgotten.....my dad saw it and he was like...."oh god pure stupidness.."....I thought to myself.."how did I come from you?"...haha...

I was supposed to go downtown yesterday...but my mother dearest was starting to get angry at me...see I was home for like...7 hours in the past 4 days...Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday....it's been...yea...HELLO SUMMER....

I might be getting a job at McDonald's, while still doing magic on the side...should be a fun time...it's less stressful than Pizza Hut, by far...cause sometimes I was like the only one at the make table and there were like 10 orders up....but god bless the TEAM setting....

I've got a magic for at the Goldhawk Community Picnic..they are paying me $150 or 3.5 hours....oh well..lol...it's still money that I really do need for one reason or another...

Yesterday everybody went to Mr. Mac's place to see his little daughter Sofia, and to have a bbq...I missed out on 3 kinds of pork, according to Mr. Mac when he called me...the bastard....but I was with Amy so that made it worth missing....

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

The Day I Became A Man

2005-06-26T23:48:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

It has honestly been too long since I have blogged, mainly because it brings back hurtful memories,or mainly because of one dickwad that had to ruin it all... *Nis and I starts pointing and laughing at that person* =)...

Last night I had this crazy dream.. but that's irrelavent, see in this post I'll try to be more perky and Happy.(but the dream is important, somewhat in this post)

So Last night at around 12 Nis calls up (pizza hut) to tell me to get ready for wonderland by tomorrow at around 9 I believe, so I went home, showered, watch a movie, and then go to bed... which was around 3,4? I forgot =). So today I woke up from my bittersweet dream.. and by bittersweat I mean, it was a completely awesome life I had in my dream.. but once I woke up.. it was all gone... And that just got my day off in a bad start. Shawn came by at around 9:25ish and I had to go to the bank to get some money for felix, so Shawn naturally said I was a burden and called me a Jew...Y.Y. In the car was Nis, Shawn, Marlon (sp?), and I. During the ride to pick up Amy, I was telling the guys of how freaked out I was of the rides there, so Nis, being the nice guy he was said "Oh.. then we'll start you off small, we'll go to Top Gun first" and Marlon agreed that it was the best option, so I was alright with that. We picked up Amy and we were on our ways.

We arrvied at wonder land, and we parked at the 'Itchy lot' (haha, still find that funny) and were ready to meet the rest inside. When they arrived, Robert, Cassie, Nick, Erica, Allison, Christine, and Felix were there. So we HAD to go to Top Gun for two reasons. 1) Because Felix's parents were there and Felix had to give something to his dad, and 2) Because it was the "easy ride". Needless to say, when I saw Top Gun, the first thing I said was "Fuck you Nis". So we went to line up, Robert being afarid of rides didn't come, and the girls didnt come as well, so it was Shawn, Amy, Nis, Nick, Marlon, Felix and I. In the Middle of the line I saw how BIG Top Gun actually was and I was freaking out.. that was when Nis and Marlon said "Dont worry, this is the scariest ride here, if you can survive this, you can do anything.." Fuck you both....

So after an hour of waiting was the big moment.. Me shaking in my boots was just freaking out.... So we got on and we were strapped in.. but before the ride even begins..fucking Nis starts SCREAMING!!!!... and WHY?!!... it was all to scare me... Mission accomplish. We were off and in the middle of the ride I was just screaming 'oh SHIT!'.. and behind me was Felix screaming 'OH SHIT BUTTERS!!!".. pretending there was a problem....ass..

The Ride was over and I had survived.. I has shown everyone I wasn't a pussy T.T

The Next ride the others went on was pysclone, not sure about the spelling, but yea. That ride involved ALOT of spinning.. so I didnt want to go on and good thing to.. cuz Amy felt sick afterwards =(. After that came Mind buster. It looks scary but it wasnt that bad. Nis sat beside me again, so while we were going to the peck of the coaster, I started to talk about my dream. Nis understood how it can be real shitty to have a dream such as that, and before he went on he said "hold on..." And we went down the coaster at top speed... and when the ride was over, I finished my story. Afterward was lunch I believe.

Felix insited that he had coupons for pizza pizza.. and he did, but at the fine prints it said 'anywhere but wonderland' so we ended up paying reg price, which was damn costy. After we ate, noone really felt like going on any rides, so we found a nice spot under thea big tree and just sat and talked.Shawn, Robert, Nis, Mar, Amy and I went to play the 'Claw' game to win a toy for myself =).Needless to say.. I lost haha, but they only charged me $2 instead of 3. Mar also played a basketball game and he lost as well... BUT HE'S BLACK!!! 40 mins later we felt somewhat ok so we decided to go small on the rides. And this time, they meant it.

We went right to bumper-cars and had an awesome time. When we were in line, Felix would point to Marlon behind his back and we would all nod because we knew what he was talking about. So when we got on the cars we all had an evil smile with us. The seating was somethign like this:

Felix
Christine Shawn (Robert was somewhere up here)
Amy

Marlon O <-- the Middle

Nis
Me

So Basically Mar was surrounded to begin with.. haha. Nis, Erica and Allison sat this one out. So when the ran Nis and I made the Bigesst U Turn alive.. Amy RAMMED Mar, Felix came in with Christine, then Shawn blocks off his side as well, and me and Nis come charing at this guy giving him no space to run, the ending result was something like this:

| Robert, Amy
| Felix, Christine
--> Wall | Marlon Shawn
Nis
Me

Nis and I started to get yelled at by the guy in charge of the games, we didnt know why, at first I thought it was because it looked like a hate crime because Mar was black while we were all chinese, brown and white, but it turns out it was because it was a one way lane and we went the opposite way.

After the cars we were damn hot.. so we went looking for the log ride, otherwise known as the Timberwolf something. We spent the whole afternoon looking for it but it was allllll worth it. Shawn, Amy Nis and I were the ones that got on and it was worth the wait. The water that hit our face just cooled us down, but no, we werent done there. We went on the bridge where the water comes flying at us and just stood there waiting for the next boat to come by to splash water on our faces. Shawn and Amy stayed for one and when back, while Nis and I just stuck our faces out and what a dumb mistake that was.... we were soaked. All worth it. Afterwards to dry off, we went to mindbusters again, and thus I have gotten over my FEAR OF ROLLER COASTERS!!! w00t w00t!. Because I wasnt scared this time =).

After Wonderland, which was around 7:30ish, we all decided to get some Kbbq, it's been so long so what the hell. It was only Felix, Christine,Nis,Shawn,Amy,Mar and I that went. Robert had no money and Nick had to go back to his 'respected' house. By the by, Nick is part Irish, so lets make fun of him the next time we see him =). Kbbq was pretty cool, when Felix was full he said he was niggersomething, it means that when you eat alot you feel tired because your body is too busy digesting the food. Felix in the end made Mar say it ....Y.Y

All in all it was a wicked day, starts off a little shitty, but it was alright. And I have just been aware that there is a new mysterious person that talks shit in blogs...*sigh*.. and I wasnt invited?...Oh well, just dont bring your shit in my blog, or my friends blogs then it'll be cool.

The song of the post will be a Triple feature. One would be one by Coldplay, I have all three albums and I never really noticed this song until I watched Garden State. I suggest that everyone should go and watch this spectacular! movie that's both funny and moving. And my other song is by Brand New - 70*7. It has come to my attention that someone laughs at my misery.. so this song is long overdue. I'm not here to cause trouble now, a blog is just a place for me to vent... And the last song is just a song I was singing while waiting in line for the rides and it seemed somewhat funny, so here they are. Peace out, and MUCH LOVE
"Dont Panic"
Lyrics:
bones sinking like stones
all that we fought for
homes places we've grown
all of us are done for
and we live in a beautiful world
yeah we do, yeah we do
we live in a beautiful world

bones sinking like stones
all that we fought for
homes places we've grown
all of us are done for
and we live in a beautiful world
yeah we do, yeah we do
we live in a beautiful world

and we live in a beautiful world
yeah we do, yeah we do
we live in a beautiful world
oh all that I know
there's nothing here to run from
'cos yeah everybody here's got somebody to lean on

"Seventy Times 7"

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
For twelve years I've held it all together but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.
I played it quiet, left you deep in conversation.
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen.
I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would,
and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to.

As if this happening wasn't enough I got to go
and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked.
Ignore the sun, the cover's over my head.
I wrote a message on my pillow that says, "Jesse, stay asleep in bed."
So don't apologize. I hope you choke and die.
Search your cell for something with which to hang yourself.
They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven
but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to
And everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again.)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)
And everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)

"Work It"

DJ, please pick up your phone
I'm on the request line

This is a Missy Elliott one-time exclusive (Come on)

Is it worth it, let me work it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it [backwards 2X]

If you got a big ***, let me search it
And find out how hard I gotta work ya
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it [backwards 2X]

I'd like to get to know ya so I could show ya
Put the p**** on ya like I told ya
Gimme all your numbers so I could phone ya
Your girl actin' stank then call me over
Not on the bed, lay me on your sofa
Phone before you come, I need to shave my chocha
You do or you don't or you will or won't ya
Go downtown and eat it like a vulture
See my hips and my tips, don't ya
See my a** and my lips, don't ya
Lost a few pounds and my waist for ya
This the kinda beat that go ra-ta-ta
Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
Sex me so good I say blah-blah-blah
Work it, I need a glass of water
Boy, oh, boy, it's good to know ya

Is it worth it, let me work it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it [backwards 2X]

If you got a big ***, let me search it
And find out how hard I gotta work ya
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it [backwards 2X]
(Come on)

If you a fly gal get your nails done
Get a pedicure, get your hair did
Boy, lift it up, let's make a toast-a
Let's get drunk, that's gon' bring us closer
Don't I look like a Halle Berry poster
See the Belvedere playin' tricks on ya
Girlfriend wanna be like me, never
You won't find a b**** that's even better
I make you hot as Las Vegas weather
Listen up close while I take it backwards
I'm not a prostitute, but I could give you what you
want
I love your braids and your mouth full of floss
Love the way my a** go bum-bum-bum-bum
Keep your eyes on my bum-bum-bum-bum-bum
And think you can handle this gadong-a-dong-dong
Take my thong off and my a** go vroom
Cut the lights off so you see what I could do

Is it worth it, let me work it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it [backwards 2X]

If you got a big ***, let me search it
And find out how hard I gotta work ya
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it [backwards 2X]
(Come on)

Boys, boys, all type of boys
Black, white, Puerto Rican, Chinese boys
Why-thai,-thai-o-toy-o-thai-thai
Rock-thai,-thai-o-toy-o-thai-thai
Girl, girl, get that cash
If it's 9 to 5 or shakin' your a**
Ain't no shame, ladies do your thang
Just make sure you ahead of the game
Just 'cause I got a lot of fame supa
Prince couldn't get me change my name papa
Kunta Kinte a slave again, no sir
Picture black sayin', "Oh, yes a master"
Picture Lil' Kim dating a pastor
Minute man and Big Red can out last ya
Who is the best, I don't have to ask ya
When I come out you won't even matter
Why you act dumb like "Uh, duh"
So you act dumb like "Uh, duh"
As the drummer boy go ba-rom-pop-pom-pom
Give you some-some-some of this Cinnabun

Is it worth it, let me work it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it [backwards 2X]

If you got a big ***, let me search it
And find out how hard I gotta work ya
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it [backwards 2X]
(Come on)

To my fellas
I like the way you work that
To my ladies
You sure know how to work that

HD For Life:
.

It Was Magic...

2005-06-18T01:46:00.000-04:00

It Was Magic...plain and simple....some things went wrong, some things went right...the point is...IT WAS A WICKED TIME HAD BY ALL...

Thank you all for coming...and seriously..it meant a lot to me...considering I created that entire thing from start to finish from scratch....it means so much that you all enjoy the fruits of my creation...

Special thanks to:

Benaldo - the narrator
Felix, Jamil, Nis, Butters - stage crew
Hin Ping, WingKa - my goddesses of tech...

Thank you all...this was a wicked way to top off my 4 years at campbell...

Cheers,

- Shawnthan

It Will Be Magic...

2005-06-17T08:18:00.000-04:00

Today at 7pm is my big show...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

You just have to beleive...

2005-06-11T02:02:00.000-04:00

Short and simple, the past 2 days with regards to magic have been...something...

On Thursday, I went to my sister's spring concert and afterwards, while I was walking with Felix, Cassandra asked me to the do magic for her brother and his buddies....so I did...and holy shit....I made them beleive that magic was real...like...some of them were afraid to touch me....they followed me home....and then stood outside my gate, and watched as i went into my building...one of them kept begging to be my apprentice...and then when I got home, they started to add me on msn...but the point is that...I made them believe that the impossible happened, and that was the greatest feeling a magician could ever have....

Today (Friday), I was walking home from Felix's house, after watching Chapelle Season 2 (funny shit)...and Im waiting by the elevator with a deck of cards, and this 35-40 year old italian guy walks to the elevators and notices my deck of cards, and this is our conversation...

he's like.."you play cards eh?....with ur friends? or are u big solitaire fan?"

"im a magician"

"oh ur a magician?!...well then show me sumthing"

"haha alright"

"holy shit..howd u do that.."

"its magic...here look"

"...shit..you've got me mesmerized.."

"haha...thank you"

"so are you going to make an air plane vanish?"

"one day....have a good night sir"

"you too"

And on top of all of this..Ms. Palmer told me she'd try to get me in with Sick Kids....

...magic makes people happy, it breaks down the walls of ur mind, until only the shimmering white light of astonishment is left...never gonna stop doin this....

Cheers all,

- Shawnathan

A Delusion of Grandeur...

2005-06-03T18:00:00.000-04:00

...and a very grand illusion...

Nothing special happened today...I only teleported from the upper window of the forum to the top of the hill in liek 5 seconds...ya know...no biggy....I think it went damn well all things considered...

Just remember folks...I'm doing what I can with the facilities I have...we all cant have million dollar stages like Copperfield...

Thanks to everybody that helped me out:

The SAC, for letting me do it
My 4 lovely assistants, Joanna, Susanne, Charlotte, and Jenn
My Helpers, Felix, Jamil, Butters, Nis
My Goddess of Tech, Hing Ping

Cheers all,

- Shawnathan

Death to Roger

2005-05-25T22:20:00.000-04:00

Damn rogers...destroyed the net on my comp for like a day or 2...had to use my other comp, which was more fucked up than mine....my family ruined that comp good....

Listen to The Rocket Summer, The Startling Line, Weezer, Acceptance, The Academy Is, and The Black Eyed Peas....my taste is music is akward right now...all over the place there....but listen to all of their new albums, they are all very worth a listen....Im listening to the Rocket Summer while I write this...

My magic show is coming along very well for those of you who care...the tentative date is June 17th...and I think it's gonna be alright...Jo and Allison got to see a little snipit of it while Ben and I were rehearsing today after school and I think they liked it. They were laughing when they were supposed to, and even in parts where they werent, so I think they liked it haha...it's gonna be worth it people, a lot of new magic...brings the family (not the kids, Gimpy has a very illicit routine now)...

Formal is in 2 days...well 1 day if I dont count today....and DAMN...that was fast...formal is gonna be awesome....Im a very nostalgic person and Im a big fan of things like formal, where it brings everybody together for a good time, and for the last time....kinda sad...highschool is almost over...Im DAMN attached to the school and the people....a lot of faces I wont see as often as Id like to...but we'll all stay close to the ones we want to stay close with...on the day of, I will be traversing for Amy's house and getting ready there, then coming down to Rob's house where the limo will pick us all up and then drop us off at Formal, then afterwards the Limo will drop us off at the after party, which is gonna be so wicked...and then I dunno what happens after that...do i care?...not really...

Today during spare (and by spare I mean english which I skipped) me felix and rob went to stc, and we ran into Nick (Hero-Nick) and he was with Vanessa Gates...and that was all well and good...and then we were walking and we ran into them again...and I was like..."WHA-HAPPENIN BRUDA?!" in a very thick jamaican accent, and nick was like "WHA-HAPPENIN, WHA-HAPPENIN"....but there was this black guy on the bench that looked up when I said it...it was the scariest shit ever...lol...

I got home today...and I got accepted to Waterloo and UofT....as soon as I saw Waterloo....I threw UofT to the side...good times....thanks to them both...but "Eng. sci. is masochistic" according to my cousin, and it's not worth it...and I can now spend my days with Amy....YES....

Anywhoodles...thats all folks...toura for now...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

SEUSS!!!

2005-05-15T11:50:00.000-04:00

(I couldnt remember how to spell SEUSS...lol)...

First off, I'd like to thank each and every person for coming out and showing their love and seeing SEUSSICAL the musical...we ALL had a great time...so THANK YOU..."thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!!!"

Thursday's performance was awesome...nothing beats the opening night jitters and the adrenaline pumping through your veins and the dizzying high followed by the incredible LOW you feel when ur adrenaline wears off and you're just drained of all of your energy...but we all went to bed knowing we did a wicked job...there was a little trouble in the tech. department but all of kinks were worked out and..

Friday's performance was freaking amazing...damn right perfect...Ms. Borch (our director) came backstage and was like.."ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS, I didnt notice a single thing!"...then Adam (The Cat in the Hat) says..."Oh..hahah..you weren't looking hard enough then.."...and we all had a great laugh....but yea..nothing can top Friday's performance...it was so perfect...everything was professional and we all had so so much fun...

Saturday's performance...not as flawless as friday's but still...BEEEEAUTIFUL....many people i knew were in the audience....amy, su, jo, pat, jeannie, some bhood doodles, and my good friend MANDY, who I havent seen in like a year...surprised the hell outta me...thanks for coming all....you all made this "since-january" journey of ours well worth it....THANK YOU!

I played the part of Genral Genghis Khan Schmitz..the "bush-like" General, as Ms. Borch calls me...and holy crap I look scary on stage....my hair is SLICKED back...and I have a moustache glued on...and...I made little kids cry...lol..oh man...I actually made them cry....IM SORRY! to all the kids I made cry...but in all honesty...my role was freakin fun...

On opening night Ms. Borch gave everybody a card and a chocolate (which was DELICIOUS!)...and in her card...she called me.."Campbell's Johnny Depp"...not cause of my stunning good looks (HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA...*wipes tear*...hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhehehehehahah)...ahhh...but because of the variety in the roles I play..."the romantic lead in "Fools", then the bitter husband in "Poison" and now the crazy bush-like General"....such kind kind words....*sigh*..another teacher Ill sorely miss...thanks Ms. Borch (even though ull never read this)...

And now...I can finally get started on MY show...me and Ben are gonna be spending the next month together...its gonna be wicked just sitting there and brainstorming ideas, methods, ways to pull all the shit I have planned off...lol...and beleive me...the shit I have planned is....unlike anything Campbell has ever seen before...and it's gonna be worth it, whatever price it is, haha...I dont really have a price in mind...so..oh well...haha....it wont expensive...Im an underpriced kinda guy...what can I say...

Because of Seussical I didnt have to write my algeo text last week...but I do have to write this week...but because of Seussical I dont have to write my algeo quiz this week..or..ever...so GO SEUSSICAL!!!

After Seussical we all went to dinner at Wok Inspirations...and it was wicked...the food was good...and I think the price was alright...its a chinese restaurant...so you can get anything for a good price...its Wilson's Uncle's restaurant..thats..the brother of Allen, Wilson's dad's brother...and Julie, Wilson's mom, was there too...but, but Mitchell, Wilson's cousin was not, nor was Micheal, Wilson's brother...

The Cast Party is on Monday...its gonna hot...GUNSHOTS...BADAP!...BADAP BADPAP...(when the hell did I start saying that)...

That reminds me...I got a new phone...the model below my old one...and I can customize my ringtones for everybody...so everybody has their own ringtone...that way..I know who's calling without even picking up the phone...which I think is neat...the stupid phone doesnt have a vibrate option tho...oh well...

On a lighter note...Amy came to the show yesterday, and I spent the day with her...it was awesome as usual...I love that girl...we went to Walmart to pick out bed sheets for one of my illusions and she picked up a Cosmo...which we both enjoyed hearing about hehe...we then just spent the rest of the day chilling in the car...good times hehe...*mwah*..love wasting away my days with her...

Well I think thats pretty up to date...its all really been Seussical for the past little while...

Cheers all,

- Shawnathan

Im Back...

2005-05-10T00:17:00.000-04:00

Just wanted everyone to know Im back...it's home..what can I say..AND..i forgot my username to my other account..lol...god damn it...Ill blog later on in the week...much to say...much much....

Cheers all,

- Shawnathan

Please Take 2 mins

2005-04-12T00:21:00.000-04:00

Please Take 2 mins out of your Busy life to take this poll..

You dont have to leave your name so dont worry about it, anon. comments are back on:
(I need this for a school project..)

Diets:
Please answer the following Questions:

Do you ever feel pressured to go on a Diet?

If so, why? (not nesscary to answer)

Are you currently in a relationship?

How would you rate your school work, mark wise, (10 highest, 0 lowest)?

What kind of diets have you tried?
Have they worked?

Age?

Gender?

Are you going to formal?

Thank you for your time, a post about this poll will be out within a month after everything is counted and all the reserch has been completed, Much Love all

What is a boy to do...

2005-04-09T01:39:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Over the past two days I wasn't able to come online since I had a bio test to start studying.. but now that I have time.. wow.. The comments from my most recent post seemed to change everything. People I haven't talked to for months come out of no where... and people that I often talk to leave. What is a boy to do.

Apologize? For what.. for being myself? And I did apologize, and it didnt seem to go off that well...

Admit my faults? I think I've done that enough and yet it comes back and bits me in the ass...

So what else should I do? I really dont know. Stop moping around, stop being so down.. I really did stop that by doing my work. And Work is what is keeping me sane, ironic as that sounds.

So what is a boy to do? I really lost all ideas. I tried explaining my actions.. found out that I was wrong so I apologized.. then I was wrong for apologizing.. I was declared patheic for doing so?... I really don't get what the fuck is going on. Come on Red, Kings, Shawn.. you guys are smart. Come on Jabo, you have a positive look on life. Come on Felix, Nis, Krishna, you guys seem to know how to have a good time. And no.. I'm really not being scarastic... What should I do.. I really dont get it. Is there a hidden msg?.. But I rahter not look at those comments again.
And wasn't my blog for me to rant?...BLAH.. I have no clue anymore honestly
I was told to stop complaining.. I did.. the time I stop talking to all of you was the time I stop complaining. this seems like a 'you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you dont' situation... soo all I can do is BLAH it... and see what the next couple of weeks hold.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recap on my week:

So on on Friday I had this bio test to do.... which I spend liek 2 days, 5hrs each on the cheat sheet and I'm pretty proud of it. And I found the test pretty ok.. I cant be as bad as the second one.. haha.. dear god I hope it cant. So in the morning I had to skip calculus in order to study, and I saw jess there. And we started to study together, then later on Jess kept on saying how hungry she was, so in order to shut her up, we went to get some breakfest.. After 1st period, I wanted to sign in, but the secra. said that she was going on a break.. It was like 10am T________T why does she need a break?!... BlAh.. so I just went straight to english class where we had to write an in class essay about Hamlet, the movie we watched. So after that was lunch where me, wilson, suganth, and Billy (aka: Stacy, aka: BYD, aka: Lemon<-- haha best line ever) studied at the lib. Wilson was doing his cheat sheet, HA I TOLD YOU TO DRAW THE PENIS ON IT, so yea.. Wilson had drawn the structure of the penis, and after that he said : " Man.. thats the worse picture of a penis I've ever drawn" We all laughed after.. best line ever. After that was Physics .. and Jo did some puzzle that took her like 1 min to do, Nis: 30 mins.. and I have yet to complete the puzzle, haha. Bio was next and I was all ready for this shizzle. I scarafice all my time and effort for this.. so I can afford to get a low mark. Needless to say I feel pretty confident about that test. After school was work.. fuck I should quit, but I just got paid... so the temptations of work is back. So yea I was suppose to work from 4-11.. but then my manager had to run out for something so me and my sis had to watch the shop.. so I end up staying till like 12... BLAH.. but after I closed my manager didnt come yet, so I was forced to just sit there. I sat in one of the tables in the dinning rm and was listening to my MD. I turned the random on and the very 1st song was 'Everytime' by Britney spears.. I adore that song... So here it is...

I'm pretty excited for tomorrow... I'm doing interviews and hopfully I get to see 'her'.. *crosses fingers* heres one hoping

*Insert lyrics of Britney spears song here*

Addiction

2005-04-05T12:37:00.000-04:00

Dr.Mah,

Drmagician Production is back in busniess, with a new template and a new start.
Congrats on Branded production for completeing their movie, and I will look forward in watching it...if I have time...

Addictions.. something that people can do with out. There are many types of addictions in this world, some serious, some that's just really a hobbie gone to far. Whether it's a smoking addiction, alcohol addiction, drug addiction,gambling addiction, sex addiction or just a simple gaming addiction they all have a couple things in common really (excluding gaming):

1) They cost money
2) They are time consuming
3) They hurt you
4) And most importantly, they hurt the people around you...people that matter the most in the world

But addictions, though bad, are somewhat of a good thing...sometimes. I mean.. smokers smoke for a reason, people to drugs, or drink for the same reason as well. And that would be to escape this world from all the stress, from all the pressure, from all the pain and most importantly, from themselves. They free themselves when they act upon their addictive habit and for that split second. For that split second, people are able to forget about the sorrows in their life. Forget about the stress, about the pressure, about the stupid bully, money worries, relationship problems, school/work problems, friend problems. Every, and pardon my french, fucking problem doesnt matter after that one drag from a cigg. Or that one sipp from that bottle hanging in the corner collecting dust.. or even that one fuck from someone that you love..."nothing else matters".. So if people are doing all this crap to escape the stressed out world.. then what do you call it when someone is addicted to the stress?

You call it the Simon Mah sydrome.

Why do I all of sudden bring this out?... well if you know me well, then you would know that I tend to over think, to "work to hard" and to push myself to the limit. And me doing so, I sacrafice everything that is important to me.. my love, my friends,my family, and my life.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Shawn: "See.. people get into relationships because they want to be happy. You will never want to be in a relationship because you just dont want to be happy, it's just logic"

Simon: "I'll be happy when I have the time to"
--------------------------------------------------------------
To understand why I'm like this I would have to go backwards in time. When a very wise person once told me "If you're sad, mad, stress, or anything else... dont just sit around, DO something about it"

The more busy you are, the more you would have time to dwell on the past, think about the present, and worry about the future. It's just common sense. Bu to push myself to the point where I have no time to stop and think about what I'm saying.. what I'm doing.. and even some days what I'm eating, just crosses the line.
------------------------------------------------------------
Simon: "Nis.. can I ask you a serious/personal question?"

Nis: "Go ahead sports fan"

Simon: " Am I cold/bitter now? over the past months or year"

Nis: " Ahhhh Butters, you have been bitter for the past year now"
--------------------------------------------------------------

But why, why do I do this to myself? Simple, because this stress, this pressure, "all this sorrow in my life makes me above everyone else. I survied through all this shit, and because I did so, I am a stronger person. I am a stronger person then all of you... and if I go on like this. If I continue to be the victim, then I'll keep on getting stronger as a person..."

Something I keep telling myself...Ignorance is truely bliss I assume, for if I didnt think that way, I wouldn't be like this right now. Tired as fuck.. angry half the time.. and just worried about what the next day holds.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Jo: "Why did you leave Brotherhood anyways?"

Simon: "Simple... I just didn'd want to burden my friends anymore"
--------------------------------------------------------------

Am I so addicted to this emotional pain I put on myself that I can't live without it?... Is this the life I want to lead... Is this how I want to remember my last year in highschool?

--------------------------------------------------------------
Jamil: "Stop being such a god damn martly (typo) and come out with us"

Simon: "I dont have the time"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Felix: "You never chill with us anymore, you're always working...fuck"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Nis: "you know that I dont like seeing you down in the dumps butters"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Wilson: "You worry too much"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Krishna: "Bah, stop being such a downer and come out with us" (of course this is before the bhood conflict)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Kings: "No ones wants to see you like this"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dengy: "Dont worry about it ham, and smile more"
--------------------------------------------------------------
w3rdna: "Baka butters, stop working so hard"
--------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------
Simon: "I just have the time for it"
Simon: "I can't ask her out.. she'll never say yes"
Simon: "God, soo much damn work today.. I got phsyics, Calc, Bio, and Eng test, and shit...."
Simon: "Can't man, I'm closing today"
Simon: "Too damn tired, sorry man"
Simon: "Maybe another day, promise"
Simon: "Maybe next time, promise"
Simon: "why me..."
--------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------
Shawn: "Besides me... I dont think anyone can take you nonstop complaining"
--------------------------------------------------------------

Addiction:The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.

Dr.Mah: I'm...sorry..

Goo Goo Dolls - Sympathy:
Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger than your sympathy stranger than your sympathy

Seein' Red

2005-03-26T14:02:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,

I dont have much time to write a 'thoughtful' post so I'll make this short and sweeeet. This has been the BEST,yes ladies and gents I said "BEST", march break ever. Maybe because I spent most of the time alone.. or maybe because I got a couple early admissions, but this has been a very stressful, but at the same time relaxing week. All I've been doing was basically... working I guess:

Monday: 11-4
Tuesday: 5-CL(11pm)
Wednesday: 5-CL (11pm)
Thursday: 11-4
Friday: 4-11
Saturday: 5-CL (12am)

Doesn't seem fun, but honeslty it's not too bad. One may wonder why I'm in a rush.. well I want to do some homework BAD.. it's been soo long =(.. and with early admission it actually puts more pressure to keep up your marks which is complete stupid but meh.
(not trying to brag, but for those who are curious)
---------------
York [X]
McMaster [X]
UFT [ ]
!WESTERN! [ ]
----------------

(Wicked Felix just sent Seein' Red by Unwritten Law, probably one of the best Punk/non acoustic songs ever, Much Love Cat)

So yea, ummm what has happened this week.. went out for lunch with Wilson.. Shawn and Roberts B-day... and OH.. Happy Belated B-day Ryan ( Yes I know I'm random). Bought a new pair of glasses..which are pretty cheap.. like $164.. so thats wicked..

And yea.. thats it... so I'll end this post two things.. A Question of the Post and a wicked song (Seein Red by Unwritten Law... I can relate to this song pretty well.. and I'm hoping that some people out there can relate as well)

Question of the Post: Can Money Buy Happiness?

[Now to me this is a thinker.. I mean.. would you be happy if you were poor?.. But can Money buy happiness... I mean Money CAN buy things to make you happy.. Can it not?..but you cant buy your friends.. Just trying to keep an open mind all..]

Seein' Red - Unwritten Law

I'm seeing red
don't think you'll have to see my face again
don't have much time for sympathy
cause it never happened to me
you're feeling blue now
i think you bit off more than you could chew
and now it's time to make a choice
and all I wanna hear is your...

So follow, the leader down
and swallow, your pride and drown
when there's no place left to go
maybe that's when you will know

follow, the leader down
and swallow, your pride and drown
when there's no place left to go
maybe that's when you will know

and foolish lies...
oh, cant you see I tried to compromise?
cause what you say ain't always true
and I can see the tears in your eyes
and what you said now...
can't stop the words from running through my head
and what i'd do to get through to you
but you'd only do it again

So follow the leader down
and swallow your pride and drown
when there's no place left to go
maybe that's when you will know

follow the leader down
and swallow your pride and drown
when there's no place left to go
maybe that's when you will know

ohhh-oh yeah

I confess
I don't know what to make from all this mess
dont have much time for sympathy
but it never happened to me
you're feeling down now
I dont know where I'll be when you come around
and now it's time to make a choice
and all I wanna hear is your voice...

I was born at an early age...

2005-03-23T11:00:00.000-05:00

This would be a recap of the events of my birthday...

First I was woken up by Amy telling me to meet her at STC a little before 11am..so I went back to sleep for 10 minutes..woke up and said "shit"..and then ran into the shower, scrubbed myself, and then I was off to see her...

I arrived at STC a little before 11, and Amy looked like she'd been waiting for a while...but it s'all good cause I was standing right behind her for...how long?...I dont know...haha...then she turned around and saw me and she's like..."thats just a little scary."

At stc I went to visit my friend Jenn Liao who works at Reitmans, and once again I was standing right behind her for a good portion of time before she realized that I was there...and yea...I havent seen her in a long time...I introduced her to Amy, but she already knew about her...and yea...akward pauses that have accumulated over time and decided to make use of themselves in that particular conversation...Jenn then gave me my present..and Aye thanked her..and then we parted ways....

Amy and I sat on a bench in the mall and I opened the gift...it was a wood figurine...hand-carved...of an Angel...its an inside thing between Jenn and I...I liked it a lot..Thank You Jenn...

After that Amy and I went to find a card for me...yea...haha...she let me pick out my own...I picked a card that has a hunky lookin guy on the front saying "How would you like to see him take it all off.."...and then when u open the card, he removes his toupeé...I died laughing...

Soon after Amy and I decided to see Hitch, mainly because there was nothign else good at Famous Players and I wanted to use my "Free Admission on Your Birthday" coupon...hehe...it was a funny movie...Id recommend it to anybody, especially guys who have trouble with the fairer sex...bring a note pad...

After the movie, we just chilled in my car until Butters decided to call me and ask me to bring him to Kelsey's where we would be dining...so I picked him up after 20 minutes, cause well, he said 15 minutes, so I said 20, and we continued like that for a good 5 minutes...so I decided on 20 after he hung up on me...

Butters and I did a duet to Taking Back Sunday - Cute without the E (Cut from the Team)...Amy was embarrassed...

At Kelsey's...gooooooood times.....they made me open my gifts first....I got the Dancing Cane, the illusion that I had wanted...I had went to the magic shop on friday, and Jeff, the owner, said that a guy came in a took the last one...and then my dad went in a day later and Jeff told him that they were sold out...what I didnt know..was that the guy was Felix and Ben and them....and that Jeff told my dad that my friends got it for me and not to say anything to me....everybody was in on it..haha...thanks all..the illusion is SOOOOO fun to do....on top of that...Felix handed me a friggin monstrosity of a gift...it had so much newspaper on it I thought Felix wrapped me a hobo...(sry...tasteless humour)...ANYWAY...the thing was HEAVY...so I unwrapped it, eventually, and ooooooh..myyyyyyy...gooooooood...60 decks of cards...they werent bicycle, but by the same company, so they are the same quality...and...oooohhh myyyyyy goood...never have to buy another deck again....for....3 months..haha...then Robert opened his gifts and he gots himself a HummerH3...beautiful lookin automobile...I said automobile because what do u really call a Hummer...its like a cross between a tank and an SUV...so lets just call it death on wheels...dinner was grrrrrreat...practically everybody ordered the rib and wing combo...their "suicide" wings were lame...false advertising...

After dinner, we all parted ways, and I went to drop Amy home...I hate watching her leave...but I know she'll always come back, so that gives me some comfort...

Thanks to (in no particular order):

Amy (For always being there for me, and always putting up with me)
Nick (Your lame humour so closely resemble mine)
Butters (We'll come to visit you in Western, dont you worry about that)
Jamil (Your stubborn attitude defines you, dont change)
Nis (Ill give you back your nosey on YOUR birthday)
Rob (Cause its your birthday too man...Happy Birthday)
Felix (For being thoughtful and always keepin it cool)
Marlon (For being far more fair than black...its a compliment)
Jo (For making that sandwich)
Krishna (For the collage, which really it the spot)
Ben (For callin me Sensei, and being devoted to the art)
Tyler (who couldnt make it to the dinner) (For being devoted to the art)
Katie (who couldnt make it to the dinner cause of her insecure boyfriend)
Jenn (who couldnt make it to the dinner cause of some youth group thingamabobber)
Everyone who chipped in for my wonderful wonderful presents
Anybody I forgot (Hey Im only human, I forget things)

I love you all...

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

Dont turn my blog into a war zone...

2005-03-21T13:32:00.000-05:00

I thought I made myself appallingly clear last time, that my blog is not your personal battlefield...

You're all a little too old to be name-calling, and picking fights with one another, and taking things the wrong way...a little understanding goes a long way...

Stop spamming my blog with your hate comments...

And to quote my friend David Reynoldson, in his yearbook comment...

"Highschool years are the best years of your life. That couldnt be more wrong."

Cheers,

- Shawnathan

Shit, Stop talking

2005-03-20T16:10:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,

It has occured to me that Blog fighting is at it's high... and though I started this shizzle..(well, had part of it). I strongly feel that it's time to start.. I mean GAH.. it's the last year we're going to see each other again. And as much as we want to see each other after this year.. the chances are slim. I'll be frank, IF (yes jo, I said 'IF') I make it to Western... I'm not coming back. Not for summer, not for Reading week, not for anything (well maybe Family's B-day or something with Family)

So why do we fight?
Why not leave Highschool in a high note?

I mean most of us came in this jungle of a school as friends, why not leave as friends. Let's all stop being so damn stubborn for once and see the big picture.. These are SUPPOSED to be the best years of our lives.. why not spend it like it is?

Ironic that this is coming from the most stubborn person alive.. but that just shows how stronly I feel about these fights. A couple stupid comments were said.. and people reply with more stupid comments.. and the war goes on. Then someone makes a post about that person.. and that person replies with their post.. They become rude to each other... start talking 'smack' behind their backs.. I mean wtf all.. we're like fucking 17,18 year olds. Lets act like that for once. These schoolyard fights are stupid.. and if you TRUELY feel really strong about something.. then tell them personally, without insulthing them? And if you dont like what their saying them tell them at your own personal time.. Dont get youre friends involved.. because none of you need back up.

All people do is talk shit.. they dont even act on the things they say. I remember when I wrote my 'Ex Bestfriends' song, this one guy said he'd beat the shit out of me.. so where is now? I dont support Violence or shit like that.. but seriously.. if you're goign to talk shit and all that crap, be prepared to defend your agruments by actually fighting the person.. else dont waste my time nor anyone else's time for that matter.

Like that 'yukino' or whatever person.. if you're gonna talk crap about someone, might as well do it with honor and leave a REAL name... I mean.. else what's the point?

So I'll leave you all with this..It takes a man to fight...but it takes a bigger man to stop the fight...

[What an Ironic blog..]
{This song reminds me of our last year alot.. I suggest people to get it.. it's really awesome =)}

[Work - JEW]
If you only once would let me
Only just one time
Then be happy with the consequence
With whatever's gonna happen tonight
Don't think we're not serious
When's it ever not
The love we make is give and it's take
I'm game to play along

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time

oh oh, oh oh oh
oh oh, oh oh oh

All the best DJs are saving
Their slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and you
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

oh oh, oh oh oh
oh oh, oh

Tomorrow

2005-03-17T23:38:00.000-05:00

Just a couple things before I begin... I hate physics and Excellent Job Formal, I knew you guys can do it!

Tomorrow
By: Simon Mah

The second I walk right pass you
I think about the things that we went through
But that was the past and today makes no difference
I'm sorry for the pain you went through,
This soul will always be with you.
And what's done is done and there is no tommorrow..
Because....

I'm full of sorrow
Life ends tomorrow
And I just don't want to know-oh-oh
For I need my morals
So please let me borrow
Your soul before I truely let go-oo-oh

My Friends all worried about me
But I just couldn't really see
Through the pain and all the madness or tomorrow
So I screamed and said some stupid things
But I never meant a single thing
And this cloud above covers my tomorrow
For...

I'm so full of sorrow
Life ends come tomorrow
And I just don't want to know-oh-oh
For I need my morals
So wont you let me borrow
Your soul before I truely let go-oo-oh

And I feel so weak without you
You tried to teach me but I doubt you
And seeing you lay in that bed
Fills painful thoughts inside my head
Your lost will leave me sleepless nights
Leaveing me to remember all those fights
We had when we were young
And I wait till tomorrow..
Because...

My life is so hollow
And when it comes by tomorrow
I will miss all my friends
Best Friends till the end
And Funny how this life turns out
For all of us without a doubt
Never saw these events comning
Until tomorrow...
I'll leave this sorrow...
so please let me borrow....
........your love

-13.W

Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

2005-03-13T10:39:00.000-05:00

GREATEST SONG EVER...its from the wizard of oz, and honestly, it brings a tear to my eye everytime I listen to it or sing it to myself...Ill post the lyrics at the end of this rant...

I fell asleep with a deck of cards in my hand last night...thats....hardcore...

In regards to anything magic, Ive just been rehearsing, and trying out some new stuff that Ive recently learned, and Im learning some other stuff...thats in regards to my close-up magic...as for my stage routine, Ive just been rehearsing...I left everything out yesterday after I was done...I was gonna rehearse again today...but I think Im gonna just pack it up and do some prep work that has to be done....

For those who are wondering, Amy are I are doing great...it was our 6 months on March 5th...and...yea...its been a damn good 6 months...and we show no signs of stopping..god how I love being with her...everything else just melts away...so freakin awesome...you know..all we ever do...is nothing...just sit there, or lay there, depending on the situation, and just let time go by...we just do whatever, talk about whatever and most importantly, we just be with one another, which is what I want more than anything....

Im seeing her again on Sunday, which is, once again, for those of you who care, my birthday....I never really get to enjoy my birthdays...they've always been pretty depressing days in that past for one reason or another...if anything my birthday just serves as a tool to show how much nobody really listens...in recent years Ive told my entire family, get me a deck of cards...and every year I get...shirt Ill never wear, pants I dont need, and just..clothes in general...Im grateful...Im just sayin, why give em to me when I wont use em..give em to somebody else who will...knowing my brown family, I'd prolly get the same shirt we gave to them 5 years ago...I think it would be EASIER for them to get me a deck of cards...I mean they could get it while they are grocery shopping..I get em at No-Frills....ah well...

Some of you might think a deck of cards is a strange thing to ask for, but...seriously...I fell asleep with one in my hands last night...I ask for a deck of cards, cause nobody is gonna make the hour-trek to the magic shop for me...mostly because I dont want them to....and yea..a deck of cards is something I want, its something I most definately need, and its inexpensive...

It was Battle of the Bands on March 10th...which was...a...thursday I believe...and Elite 4 got robbed....they sang Destiny's Child - Survivor..and they got robbed...damn chinese populus...we were all in an outrage...David got up and screamed..."ELITE FOUR GOT ROBBED!!!!!!!!" when the 1st place group went up to collect their prize....and yea...before the show..they stopped me as I was goin to my seat, and they asked me to do magic for like 8 minutes during the ballot counting process...how could I say no to them..haha...so I did...and then I got Jamil up there and he recite pi to the 102nd decimal place...and..yea..everybody had a good time...David said after the show, "Im gonna write a letter to Mr. Usih saying that if he doesnt change the results, Im gonna steal his bow-ties...and then he'll be NOTHING!"...ahh we all had a good laugh...

I was supposed to go out last night to celebrate my friend Jeannie's brithday which is on Monday..but my damn mother wouldnt let me go..and wouldnt give me a reason why...blasted woman...oh well, Im sure David and Jeannie and them had a good time...

At any rate...March break starts at the end of Thursday this week...GOD HOW I CANT WAIT...school is such a drag...the only thing that gets me through it most of the time is doin magic for people..friends, teachers, ppl Ive never met before...anywhere, anytime...

Anywhoodles, I best to be mosying along now..gotta pack all this stuff up..and prepping some other stuff...

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - by Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Cheers all,

- Shawnathan

The day I ruined Jo's Wedding

2005-03-12T00:42:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,

Ohh man.. what a wedding it was.. I got what I want.. well.. as for Jo and Wilson... *evil laugh*.. but lets go back to when things too a wrong turn shall we...

It was like every normal March afternoon expect the fact that Jo and Wilson were schduled to get married. Now, most of you may think...wtf.. I though Wilson and you were together.. and that WAS true.. but sadly enough Wilson broke it off. See, His mother, Julie, wanted Wilson to pass on the family name.. and since I cant provide childern *tear* He had no choice but to leave me.

So it was the day of the wedding... It was a beautiful wedding I must admit.. Flowers were everywhere and it seemed like something from a movie. It was sexy... as Jo would say. Her intentail brides maid were Su and Amy. But every since Amy and Shawn got married and had like their 8th child.. she was too busy to go, they mate like fucking rabits I SWEAR!. And Su was still working at her $11/hr job at the pool, and she had a shift that day so she couldnt come. BUT never fear Krishna was there. Ahhh good ol Krishna.. always can relay on him.., we love him!. So yea, Krishna took the bullet and started to get dressed in the pink dress Su and Amy were suppose to wear. Wilson asked me to be the best man, but I just wasnt ready to.. so instead he got BYD, BIG YELLOW DICk, aka Billy FUNG.. and Simon was the other grooms man. I sat down on the left side (wilson's side) right beside Adrian. A-bomb is soo informal.. he wore a 'Bait out' shirt to a wedding...T.T.

Before the wedding began.. two people wearing all black came it. It seem like someone died of some crazy shit like that. Too bad I didnt get to see their faces.

So the wedding began.. everyone was crying... THE WEDDING WAS THAT SEXY... And there Jo was.. with a big belly because she was 6 months pregant.. and there Wilson was.. looking as UNconfortable as ever.. So their vows started, and it went something like this.

Jo: Wilson, I've always loved you. From when you and Butters were together till now. I'm so happy that we're having this child together. And what a way to get it.. remember.. "Spider position" (LOL BEST LINE EVER).. It was crazy.. even Kakashi is not as sexy as you. May our love be like the wind.. though we can't see it.. we can always feel that it's there..

Wilson: Yea.. so yea...

I guess Wilson was just speechless from Jo's sexy speech.. So the minister continued on with the wedding and when he got to the part:

"If there are any objections to why these two should not be wedd, please speak now or forever hold their peace"

I tried to hold it in, but I cant..

"I OBJECT!!" I screamed "Wilson doesnt love you, HE LOVES ME" I continued

"YOU SLUT" said Jo.."You see my stomach it's Wilsons.. IT MUST BE LOVE"

"WRONG AGAIN JO" I said while scrambling for crumbled paper in my pocket. "You see this.. it's his sperm test.. WILSON is INFERTIAL.."

"But HOW?!" screamed Jo and Wilson...
I smiled as I explianed..how all those years of drinking V8 has left wilson more bone dry...

"This cant be... then who's baby is this?!" questions Jo...

"MINE" And there stood Su, wearing all black...so she was the one in black.. but but.. who is the other one in black?

"The Child is mine..." said Su once again with such pride...

"...you're a woman you stupid bitch, THIS CANT be your child!"...replied Jo

"...ohh yea.." said Su, feeling all embrassed from the unwanted attention. "Never mind everyone it's not my child, Jo's just a slut" Su announce as she sat back down, with he crazy smile =D <-- something like that..

"WHOA WHOA WHOA..." Said a frustrated Wilson.. "Then who's Baby is it?!"

"...MINE"...Said the second mysterious person in black...
.but..who is this person..?

As HE took off the black cloth covering his face.. we find out who it truly was....It turned out that all this time.. for 6 months.. Jo was having, yup most of you guessed it.. The SON OF SU'S FATHER...

WHICH MEANS THAT SU'S FATHER IS THE FATHER OF JO'S CHILD WHICH MAKES JO SU'S MOM OF SOME SORT!!

So as Su's father pushed Wilson aside.. they proceed and yet married. After everyone leaves it was only me and Wilson in the rm

S: "How you doing?"
W: "I'll be fine.. I should of guess it wasn't my child"
S: "How would you have known.. dont blame yourself"
W: "Nah.. she was 4 months pregent when we met, and we never even had sex.. damn.. "
S: "Oh... well plenty of fish in the sea.."
W: "Yea...Simon?"
S: "Yea?"
W: "Do you think that you and I can...ever...get ...backk"

Before Wilson finished I knew where he was going at...
I smiled and nodded my head...
Then I said.."ARE U FUCKING CRAZY?!!.. I'm DATING NEJI NOW.. HE'S A REAL MAN!!!"...
and IN comes Neji crashing through the chapel Window..

As Neji and I ride to the sunset together, Wilson is left Crying =)

That was for you JO!

Song Time:
I really like this song, I saw the video for it...and it's really nicely done, This is Dr.Mah suggesting: Jimmy Eat World - Work

If you only once would let me
Only just one time
Then be happy with the consequence
With whatever's gonna happen tonight
Don't think we're not serious
When's it ever not
The love we make is give and it's take
I'm game to play along

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time

oh oh, oh oh oh
oh oh, oh oh oh

All the best DJs are saving
Their slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and you
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

oh oh, oh oh oh
oh oh, oh

Love Is A Bitch, All Relationships End

2005-03-11T12:13:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,

So yea..."Love is a bitch, all relationships end" just a line from a song...a good song actually, (by Rufio)

Dont you just hate it when you mean good but it all turns out bad for some reason? Like say if you were to help a friend in homework, but then you end up having no time for your own homework? Or when you tell a friend one thing, and they take it offensively.. I know I do.

But what I hate the most is when you mean good by apoloizing and trying to be friends with a certain person.. but it all comes back and bites you in the ass.
**This blog will be written in anger, so forgive me if it does offend you, once again this is not about bhood**
.....................................

I think I'm entitled to my opinion and everyone is entitled to theirs... I'll leave the blog at that.

"""light travels faster than sound. i guess that's why some things seem bright until they start talking"""....

you're right...

Getting Tired, Hating All Ive Known...

2005-03-06T12:17:00.000-05:00

The title of this blog is from a song I think Im addicted at this point..

Acceptance - Different

and yea, go listen to it, buy their cd (yea right)...I havent bought a CD since Jon Bon Jovi's first album....

I guess I should just keep you all up to date with my life as is (although Im fairly sure this blog doesnt have that big of a fan base...)

Anywhoodles, yesterday was me and Amy's 6 months...yea..thats right...6 whole months together...thats so wicked..we celebrated it on friday tho, cause well, I couldnt see her on saturday...and we went to Taco Bell for dinner (I know, not extravagent, but we were both hungry)...and then we stopped to visit Butters at Pizza Hut seeing as he was working that night..and we walked in and saw Butters and Julie, and we all said our hello's...Julie compared heights with Amy, it was a thing they had...

Julie: "So how long has it been?"
Shawn: "6 months tomorrow actually..."
Julie: "OoO, 6 months...what are you 2 doing.."
Shawn: "Um.."
Julie: "Making-out?"
Shawn and Amy: "yea..."
and then we all had a good larf...

and then soon after we left, and I just drove back to Mississauga and then we spent the rest of the night there...

On a side note, she bought a webcam, so now I can see her everyday...thats so awesome...

Yesterday I spent 3 hours practicing my new Zombie Ball illusion, where I make a silver ball appear, then disappear, then reappear floating in the air as it starts to move around by itself....its a thing of beauty...

A few weeks ago I ran into an old softball buddy from YEARS ago, and I gave him my card, and he called me yesterday and hired me to do his nephew's bday party on the 19th of March...

Seneca hired me to do a show at their place as well...date is still up in the air...

Bethune changed the date they want me to perform to sometime in early April...

My York performance went very well...tough crowd..buy hey, what do you expect from a crowd full of "intellectuals"...always gotta pick apart everything, can never let it be...but they were nice people, which is always nice...the floating rose completely floored em...I was very happy with that...

Somebody remind me not spend any of the money I make over the next little while, as I will be needing to pay for all of my Formal expenses...money is tight at the DeSouza-Coelho residence...its always been tight, and I dont want to ask my parents for money...230 bucks should cover everything...ticket..after party..limo..any other expenses...

Anywhoodles, I best mosy along now...

In regards to Butters' post...I think me and Butters were talking about this in the car on the way home from school one day...and I was saying how much it angered me, how much guys degrade women so much...its like...STOP talking about women ur never gonna talk to or never gonna even make an effort to get to know...you want something to look at, go look at your mother, prolly gonna be the only woman in your lives anyway...you want to ogle ppl, look in a magazine or download some porn, dont degrade real life women with ur filth...anyway thats my 2 cents about it...

Cheers all,

- Shawnathan

Looks are pretty overrated

2005-03-05T19:57:00.000-05:00

Looks are pretty overrated

Dr.Mah,

Yup, looks sure are pretty overrated...no? Of course it is.. and I hate that.. Not because I'm a hideous beast that no woman NOR man (?!? YOAI) would ever love..thats a different topic for a different blog, no I'm talking about how people Judge other purely based on apperance. Haven't you ever learned to never judge a book by it's cover? But what's worse then judging people by their apperance would be to degrade people, espeically women, by talking about their certain body parts, to talk about them if there were some object, some souless object.

I've heard it all, "Nice tits.." "yea.. her ass is sooo tight you can eat dinner off of it" though those are compliments, I'm sure Most girls wouldnt want to hear them. But they're not always compliments... theres some such as "oh yea..she has a flat ass" or "yea.. she doesnt have a chest"...And it doesnt end there.. there's more.. instead of just saying things, some people have the nerve to do the actions. You know them, you seen them all, extending your arms to represent large breasted women, or how about making you're fingers into a 'V' shape and putting them right infront of your face. I admit I laugh once in a while when a friend of mine those that.. I know it's allin good fun, but sometimes people just take it to far. But the people who do the actions, they're just trying to have a good time.. What really pisses me off would be those who go about those actions. Slapping a girls behind, pretending to trip to grab womens breast, yes it's happen before believe it or not.

I hate guys AND gals that go for a person merely based on looks.. theres soo much more to a person then just looks. "Have anyone ever considered to look whats within a person and talking to them purely because of them?.." and I always get the same response of "..well.. would you want to talk to an ugly person?"

But tell me this before I go on, what do you define as ugly?...

Now, I'm not perfect myself, I admit to looking at a girl and going "wow..shes hot".. or by giving my friends thumbs up when they're helping a hot girl/guy =P, in homework or something. But I know where the limits are...

But think about things this way, everybody has their imperfections...no? I suck ass in calc (math).. and I'm not the best looking guy in the world. Ranked 10234823904823 out of 20,4234, 3343 billion if I remember, and I'm no 'joe six pack' but surprisingly.. most girls dont look at guys that way. So why should guys look at girls like that?.. Why do they have to have 'B/C'+ size cups, a slim waist,nice thighs? as well as a 'tight ass'?.. If we continue to look for a woman like that, we'd all end up single.. because no girl can be that perfect... A perfect girl/person is the one you have the most connection with. The person you feel at peace with, the person you wouldnt find putting a little more effort in..

Looks are pretty overrated by underratted people *shurgs* Those are my random 2 cents of the day..and NOPE, this isnt aboutbhood or anything like that.. I assure you

Hilary Duff isnt perfect... and so aren't you...(WILSON IS! w00t)

Two songs today
"If I aint got you":
some people live for the fortune
some people live just for the fame
some people live for the power, yea
some people live just to play the game
some people think that the physical things defines what's within
and i've been there before, but that life's a bore
so full of the superficial

some people want it all
but i don't want nothing at all
if it ain't you, baby
if i ain't got you, baby
some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing if i ain't got you, yea

some people search for the fountain
promises forever young
some people need three dozen roses
and that's the only way you prove you love them
listen baby

hand me the world on a silver platter
and what good would it be
with no one to share
with no one who truly cares for me

some people want it all
but i don't want nothing at all
if it ain't you, babe
if i ain't got you, baby
some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing if i ain't got you you you

some people want it all
but i don't want nothing at all
if it ain't you, baby
if i ain't got you, baby
some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing if i ain't got you, yea

i ain't got you with me, baby
daid nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
if i ain't got you with me, baby

"Yesterday's Feelings"

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like the sun spots or raindrops

Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind

Left the only worries I had in my hands
Away from the light in my eyes
Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel
'Cause feelings mean nothing now

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
(yeah today is on my mind)

Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where feelings mean nothing now

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time (all be lost in time)
But today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
for today is on my mind
yeah today is on my mind

Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart

Brotherhood + Shawn feat. Inuyasha Cats = s2?.......please?

2005-02-28T18:35:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,

IT Has been a while since I blogged, mainly because I dont have much time (reason: calc, physics,bio,eng), or because I just dont care anymore, but since I beleive this is important, I'm just gonna blog for the hell of it.

Brotherhood + Shawn feat. Inuyasha Cats = s2?.......please?... a corny and very uncreative title, but eh.. what the hell, it'll do.

So one thing that bother me most is that somewhere along this friendship we had, we seem to have most it.. through many arguments and fights..and YES I really should drop this, but listen to me frist and then you can judge me. Now, some people may say "GAWD... drop this shit, its been soo long".. and others may say 'who the hell cares anymore.. just leave it..." and ONE might say "...what is this faggot doing? Is he still taking shit?". And the answer to all of them would be no.. I wont drop it YET, and nope, not talking shit anymore.. those days are over.

So I was sitting in physics class today, and I looked back to where vanessa and Lisa were sitting, and then I just start to think, just random stuff, and the thing that pops in my head would be last year. See, the spot Vaness and Lisa sit at is the same spot Krishna and I sat at last year.. and I start to feel a sense of 'sadness and sorrow' that comes before me. While Mrs. Muir was talking, I wrote to Nisanth a note: "Do you miss bhood??..." Nis replied: "I miss the old times..." and it got me thinking..

So here I am once again pleeding for us to be friend again. Why aren't we friends anymore.. yes some stupid things were said in the past, and agreed some moron wrone some stupid song *waves arm* But the past is in the past... can we not get along once again? I think what humans tend to do is remember the bad things in life because it's soo easy to, and dont bother to dwell on the bad things because we're afraid to. We're afraid to see that we were wrong, that everything was in vain, and we're so consumed by this fear we start to loook at each and every person of the oppostie person with such hate. It's good that I made peace with a couple of people, Jimmy, Dano, Red, Dengy, Nelly, Ryan (though there was never tension between us) But I want more. I want to be good friends with everyone in Brotherhood and as hard as it seems, let us just remember the stupid and fun things we did:

Invention of 'Tennis Ball'?
Frist day at 'Kbbq'?
The day Krishna got nailed in the balls by Nisanth?
Roman candle fight?
First Summer Bbq?
Almost tipping over the park slide?
Creation of 'Tiger Jimmy'?
Crazy snowball fight in Krishnas backyard (Deng,Jimmy,Krishna and I)?
Introduction to "Waffle Girl"?
Chicken Box?
Frisy day we all saw Jackass the Moive?
The Jon beat down at Ray's House?
Hot Mustard Eating contest?

Should I go on?... I've said my 2 cents... I just wish that we will become good friends again before the year end, so we can spend a wicked night at formal, just handing out and reminessing (typeo I know) about the past... That'll be the most badass night alive...

Fall to Pieces:
I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you
You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything
I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

Life is g000000000d (Random blog 3)

2005-02-24T21:57:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,

Before I begin, I wish Ryan a Very Happy B-day... and I will ask you what I ask all my friends that are 18 now.. and that is "Buy me some god damn lotto tickets -____--"
---------------------------------------------------------
Yes Lady and Gents.. I said it.. Life is goooood. Something you dont hear from me often, TRUST ME.. So why is it soo good? Because of this wicked March Break I've been having. Now, for those who talk to me, you know I have work everyday.. and I never go out..my time table is more like this

Monday: 11-4
Tuesday: 5-CL(11pm)
Wednesday: 5-CL(11pm)
Thursday: 11-4
Friday: 4-11
Saturday: 5-CL(12am)
---------------------------------------------------------
BUT.. it's been a very peaceful week. Spending time alone and "finding" myself is just wicked... I couldn't really ask for anything more.. I mean no drama for once in my life.. but then!.. here's the wicked part. I got two early admissions to York and McMaster... thats soo awesome.. I got York on Monday.. and McMaster on Tuesday.. (Thank you, thank you, no need to for a standing ovation )And because of this.. I have hope for Western now..
---------------------------------------------------------
For those who care, which is like.. 1 or 2 people, haha, I'm thinking about dying my hair again.. but havent had much time lately.. =(
---------------------------------------------------------
My GM (general Manager) Serge just left yesterday... Shawn was happy about it.. but I know I'm gonna miss him.. which really sucks.. he gave me my job and it's like losing a friend.. *sigh*
--------------------------------------------------------
On Tuesday, Wilson and I had lunch.. I payed of course..(since I owe him a shit load of money haha)thats like 15 bucks down.. 35 bucks to go =P I believe..and we had pretty funny converstations...and once again ladies and gents.. Wilson drove like a fucking crazy bastard once again.. -______________---
---------------------------------------------------------
[I havent had much time to do homework.. so I think I'll start tonight...]
---------------------------------------------------------
My 'Remember, you're speical' Experiment:

Alittle goes a long way they say.. so I think I'll take their word it. So from now on I will monitor everyones activities... how they feel and how they act for the next month.. because after I talk to a person, I dont care if it's family, friend or stranger... I will give them a nice reminder that "no matter how life treats you, or how others treat you, you're a speical person and dont allow other's negative comments get in you're head...etc" something like that.. or just a simple "And remember, you're speical" comment.. I want to see if a little really goes a long way... so for those who read my blog.. and talk shit in my blog..

"You're a complet dumbass.. but remember, you're still speical =)"
---------------------------------------------------------

And on the side note.. Guys who hit their gf's or wives are complete dickwads...

And in true Dr.Mah Fashion, heres a nice old song.. one of OLP's best I say:

Clumsy
Throw away the radio suitcase
That keeps you awake
Hide the telephone, the telephone, telephone, in case,

You realize that sometimes you're not okay
You level off, you level off, you level off,

And its not all right now

You need to understand
There's nothing strange about this
You need to know your friends

You need to know that

I'll be waving my hand watching you drown
Watching you scream
Quiet or loud

And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need, a friend
As clumsy as you've been
There's no one laughing
You will be safe in here
You will be safe in here

Throw away this very old shoelace
That tripped you again
Try to shrug it off, shrug it off, shrug it off
It's only skin now
You need to understand
There's nothing fake about this
You need to let me in
I'm watching you

And I'll be waving my hand watching you drown
Watching you scream
No ones around

And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need, a friend
As clumsy as you've been
There's no one laughing
You will be safe in here ow
You will be safe in

I'll be waving my hand watching you drown
Watching you scream
Quiet or loud

And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need, a friend
As clumsy as you've been
There's no one laughing
You will be safe in here ow ow
You will be safe in ow ow

You will be safe in here, in here, ow ow ow ow , in here, ow ow , in here, ow ow ow ow ow, in here, ow ow ow, in here, ow ow ow ow, in here, ow ow

Dreams...

2005-02-19T15:58:00.000-05:00

We all have dreams don't we...I just never wanna be one of those people that doesnt follow them....cause I beleive that if you want something bad enough, it you put your blood, sweat and tears into it, then you'll get it...

What's your dream?...Whats the one thing you'd like to do before you die, before you cant anymore, before time runs out...

- Shawnathan

Been a long time...

2005-02-17T23:43:00.000-05:00

Well ladies and gentlemen...here I am again, now that Butters changed the blog layour back to something we both agree on, instead of making it decidely his...anywhoo..I dont really have much to say, other than...

Im beginning to care less and less about school...

Magic is doing great...I got my folding table, and cloth that is draped over it...I learned the veritable greatest card trick of the century...Galaxy (Out of this World)..and on top of all of that...I have 2 shows coming up...1 at York University, and another at Bethune C.I....both are 1 hour in length...AND, on the day after the York show, which is Feb 24th, I will be doing magic for 2 hours at Campbell at the Tsunami Releif Show: Roots and Rythems...Ill be handing out business cards etc...and photographers from various papers will be there, so maybe Ill steal the show, haha...*crosses fingers*...any publicity is good publicity...

Im still playing telephone tag with sick kids hospital...you know sick kids right folks, the reason I actually started this in the first place...

Im goin to see Amy tmr..

Im goin to the magic shop on saturday morning, to see a professional magician and one of my favourties, Jay Sankey...and Im going there to ask him 1 single question..."What advice would you give someone who is willing to dedicate their life to magic?"...cause you see after I get my engineering degree (or even before, you never know) Im going to dedicate my life to magic...

- Shawnathan

Why Am I so stupid?

2005-02-15T01:37:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,

My blog is under construction, so until then I'll have to use this template....

So have you ever felt that you werent good enough for anything? Oh I know that feeling too well. People are getting in university, left and right.. first Su.. then Yu kit, Louis, Steven, Amy, and now Nelson. Now, dont get me wrong, I'm happy for them, I really am.. but damn it.. I am just dumb fucked nervous now. I cant help but ask myself questions. Stupid questions like:
'What if I dont make it?'
'What if I dont make it to Western!?'
'What if I fail a test.. and that just fucks up my midterm'

And I constantly remind myself that its not a race, but when everyone else is moving on, and you're just stuck behind.. it just makes me pretty damn edgey. It's all I can think about about.. So what should I do... any advice?.. Even a Dr. needs a Dr. once in a while =(

(shortest blog eva)

='(

Who blogs anymore? (Yet another Random Blog)

2005-02-10T23:20:00.000-05:00

Dr.Mah,
"Small, simple, safe price Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals And I am not afraid to die I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight. I want the pain of payment What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand fucks? And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart Love is not like anything Especially a fucking knife"
(Just alittle scary eh...=\)

The Blog: I think its offical that Dr.Mah has taken over this blog =) but it seriously doesnt matter because who blogs anymore? Besides Krishna and such, no one really has the time to sit down and think about what to write about.I might as well change my layout now, so shawn can blog as well..The past couple of weeks have been yet a blur.. it seriously have, I need to get new glasses T.T.

The School: So calsses have been fairly ok and manageable, might I mind you that I have 4 of the hardest courses a person can get (Phys, Calc, Eng, Bio), not to say that other courses arent hard, just my combination is deadly...So a couple days ago was Mr.Mac's B-day. No one knew, I really would not have figured it out if Ms.Borch didnt tell me. So I told shawn and, well, we felt bad for not getting him anything, so during lunch we went to food basic and we bought too packs of the fattest ass bacon alive. It was soo awesome.

The Hospital: Good news came to me.. I won this award apparently and I will be attending this dinner party to recieve it. What can I say, I'm jumping in joy...not really. It seems like I dont deserve such an award, I didnt do much.. I dont know.. But sometimes I think to myself that the only reason I feel like this is because I'm truely afraid to be happy, but I'll dwell on that later. So I did some informational meetings about volunteering in the hospital for a couple days now. I think they went alright..

The shot: A couple days ago.. more like yesterday.. the men. shot came to school and starting giving out free vacsanations.. blah. damn spelling.. and Everygrade had a chance to get one.. if you were smart enough to get one. So when I went, I went with Jo, Wilson, and Nis, My true Homie G's. Jo, being the wuss! she was, was damn afraid to get her shot, I had to hold her hand when she was getting it... when I was getting mine, I heard the biggest 'pop' following my arm going damn limp. After a couple seconds I got control of my arm again, but for that snap second it was quite a scary situation. Could one of my veins pop =\, not pop, most likely collapse =(.

The Used: I was a little down a couple weeks ago and Dengy knew this. He didnt know what to say I suppose so he just sent me a song. It was 'All I've got' by The Used. After hearing it once, I was hooked. The used is now one of my favourtie bands.A week after, I just dled the whole album. Everysong in it is amazing, from 'I'm a fake' to 'I caught Fire'.. Best album I've heard ever. The Used - In Love and Death, I strongly suggest everyone to check it out, I'm gonna buy it soon.

The Depression: Websters Dictionary defines depression as 'Simon Mah' Hey look, theres even a pic of me on it. Well heres the situation. Have you ever had fun and then in the middle of your fun, you think to yourself that
i) You dont deserve this fun
ii) You know fun and joy never last forever and
iii) wtf are you having fun for?!, you have a University to try to get in to!.
Well, most normal people wouldnt think about things like these, but thoughts like that RACE my head in and out every nanosecond of my life. Not to sound like a downer, but has anyone really considered that things like joy, and happiness never last forever? Maybe I'm being alittle dramatic, but then again, dont judge me if you dont know me. And dont use my name in blogs in such a negative way =) I stopped, so you should as well sir... Becauase whatever anyone thinks of me, its throuoghly predictable. (yup, not much of a speller). Watch 'A Walk to Remember' =P, you'll know what I mean.

The Organization: So I was given an organization (Breast Cancer) to run, yay me, but sadly enough I havent had much time to put any effort in it. I'll give it 2 more weeks, and if I cant keep up with it then I'll have to drop that dream... but I will put my best efforts in running it.

The New year: This is now the year of the Chicken, and sadly enough, to all my rabbit friends.. this is prehaspe predicted to be one of the worse years we will get. And the scary part is that we're trying to get into uni this year, well most of us, others might stay or collage, but that doesnt matter, its the fact that its gonna be a horrible year. BUT!! theres still hopes to all my brothers and sisters that are going to a uni where you have to move out, because the sign states that most of us will be taking long trips in the middle of the year, so thats wicked for most of our notes.
The 5 types of Rabbit (Birthdate - Type):
01/29/1903 to 02/15/1904 - WATER; 02/14/1915 to 02/02/1916 - WOOD
02/02/1927 to 01/22/1928 - FIRE; 02/19/1939 to 02/07/1940 - EARTH
02/06/1951 to 01/26/1952 - METAL; 01/25/1963 to 02/12/1964 - WATER
02/11/1975 to 01/30/1976 - WOOD; 01/29/1987 to 02/16/1988 - FIRE
02/16/1999 to 02/04/2000 - EARTH; 02/03/2011 to 01/22/2012 - METAL
Rabbit Overview
Rabbits will congratulate themselves on feeling perfectly in their element. The New Year will bring them a pleasurable sensation of physical and mental well-being. Sufficiently wise not to make a drama out of every grain of sand, they will close their eyes on the faults of their close ones and will thus preserve their interior peace. The astral environment of this year will incite Rabbits to devote more hours to reading. They will therefore gain more wisdom, for 'the reading of all good books is like a conversation with the best people of past centuries,' as Descartes wrote. Meditation will also please them.
First quarter

Your sentimental relations will improve because you will be more disposed than usual to draw in your horns. You'll be less finicky, you'll show a level of tolerance that your loved ones didn't think you were capable of -- in short, you'll be easier to live with. Avoid mixing logic with your love affairs. Just relax, take life as it comes and profit thoroughly from the present moment. If you're still free at heart, March may reserve for you an exceptional encounter. This time you won't even try to reason or put that person to numerous tests before judging them worthy of you -- they will be accepted without any formality!

Second quarter

Probably one of your former mates will try to renew contacts with you, but their repentance may not be quite sincere and your mutual contention may not be resolved. For this reason remain on your guard! Single natives, you'll have the right to many loves at first sight throughout this period. You'll feel sure and certain to have finally found the rare bird. However, try to keep cool; just live in the present as best as you can and wait to see how things will turn out.

Third quarter

It's virtually certain that your neighbors will be disturbed by the din that your love life will produce. Your walls will vibrate! An excess of passion will be the cause of all this, but try to watch out that passion does not turn into jealousy! Control yourself and keep a sense of humor. August and September will be extremely favorable to a new amorous start. You can definitely cut off your past relations or, more simply, do away with the dust covering a long-lasting relation. You'll feel liberated and quite prepared to start afresh with a partner of your choice.

Fourth quarter

If you're already living in couple, this period should permit you to get closer to your mate or partner. Many of you will come out of a delicate period that was marked with some conflicts. Supported by the stars, you'll have no difficulty this time warming up the atmosphere. If you're single, you'll hardly burden yourself with romantic naivete at this time. What's important to you will be to experience sheer sensual pleasure. Use your charms wisely!

....what an ironic blog..

So to end it all in true Dr.Mah Fashion, here are all The Used Lyrics from 'In Love and Death'
* = really good songs, the more the stars the better
In Love And Death" (2004)

1)Take It Away **
2)I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes) ****
3)Let It Bleed ************
4)All That I've Got ********************
5)Cut Up Angels ****
6)Listening ******
8)Light With A Sharpened Edge ***
9)Sound Effects And Overdramatics ***
10)Hard To Say ******
11)Lunacy Fringe *********
12)I'm A Fake ******************************

"Take It Away"

Life's greatest questions have always been: Who am I? Where did I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going? You are about to see and hear one of the most significant messages given to us from God.

Get down
Wooooooo!
Get down

I'm lying to myself
And this dagger's my excuse
I'm a pawn
I Should have paid up
And I left an hour late
I was laid up

I must abuse myself
I'm against all that I've made up
Set in stone the sun will come
And I hate light
You know I hate light
To me it looks so pretty burning

Burn the sun
Burn the light
Take take take take take take it away
Take my hand
Take my life
Take take take take take take it away

I must have caught something
In the heat of all these dances
I'm a worm with no more chances
And I've lost all doubt
In a chemical romance

I can't stop itching
over thoughts of tarnished hope
kinda funny
lonely feeling
I'm not in love
You know it's not love
Don't make it look so pretty burning

Burn the sun
Burn the light
Take take take take take take it away
Take my hand
Take my life
Take take take take take take it away

Burn the sun
Burn the light
Take take take take take take it away
Take my hand
Take my life
Take take take take take take it away

Brothers and sisters
I'm right here with you
Cause everyone's got one
A story to kill me
I'm so apathetic in my resentment
Living, loving, knowing not

Take my hand [x8]
Take my life
Take my heart take my mind
Take my life take my life

Burn the sun burn the light
Take take take take take take it away
Take my hand take my life
Take take take take take take it away
Burn the sun burn the light
Take take take take take take it away
Take my hand take my life
Take my life
Take my life

"I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes)"

Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin

(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)

You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
Take my hand
We could take our heads off
stay in bed just make love that's all
Just stay with me now

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting

In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)

In your eyes
Lets sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
Let's leave till the sun burns out

"Let It Bleed"

This poison's my intoxication
I broke the needle off in my skin
picked the scabs and picked the bleeding
and assumed that it was all in vain
A positive scab that's never healing
Calloused hit me in the face
A burning bridge that's so misleading
Poison's more potent now with the flame

Let it bleed
Take the red for what it's worth woah
Watch the fire
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time
If you feel like dying you might wanna sing

The fire department couldn't drown the city
They didn't even try to wash it clean
And what did you think that I was sober?
Put me out cause I'm on fucking fire
A positive scab that's never healing
Regret that I kept this clean
The most that I can do for you is keep on lying
It's not a lie if you can let it sing

Let it bleed
Take the red for what it's worth woah
Watch the fire
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time
If you feel like dying you might wanna sing!

Ohoh you might wanna sing
Ahaha you might wanna sing
Hahah you might wanna sing
Hahahaha sing!
You might wanna sing!
You might wanna sing!
You might wanna sing or scream at...

This poison's my intoxication
I broke the needle off in my skin
Picked the scabs and picked the bleeding
yeah assumed that it was all in vain

Let it bleed

Take the red for what it's worth, woah
Watch the fire
Mamma fill your lungs with smoke for the last time
If you feel like dying
If you feel like dying
If you feel like dying, You might wanna sing
Hahaha You might wanna sing
Haha You might wanna sing
Ha you might wanna sing or scream at...
"All That I've Got"

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
Off guard, red handed
Now I'm far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I..

I need something else
Would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can laugh
All I want inside I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me
Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat
I squoze so hard
I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I..

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got!

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got

"Cut Up Angels"

If we cut out the bad
Well then we’d have nothing left
Like I cut up your mouth
The night I stuffed it all in
And you lied to the Angel
Said I stabbed you to death
If we go at the same time
They'll clean up the mess

I lost my head
You couldn’t come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun

Watched you bite into the bottle
Watched me kick out the chair
Let you chew up the glass
And laughed as you just hung there
I have thought of rose petals mostly perfect and pure
Then I thought of your petals
And the abuse they’ve been through

I lost my head
You couldn’t come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
You lost your head
I couldn’t come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
Whoa whoa

I told the angels
Cant stay in heaven
I asked the devil
If we cut out the bad well then we'd have nothing left
Like I cut up your angels
Yeah you stabbed me to death

I lost my head
You couldn’t come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
You lost your head
I couldn’t come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun

"Listening"

Your skin attached this fragile cliche
Of my broken heart attack
You should swallow your teeth and hang out
Stay for a while
If your heart's still beating it must be the blood
If your lungs are still working it must be the mud
If its still light out than a kick in the ribs
today's worth living

I don't see anything now
So just say what you wanna say
It's kind of funny how I'm not listening anyway

Lights out, I can't stand to hear you scream
While we were making love I was fast asleep
and the night sky better give something up (give something up)

I don't see anything now
So just say what you wanna say
It's kind of funny how I'm not listening anyway
[x2]

Lights out, lights out, lights out, lights out...
Lights out! I can't stand to hear you scream
While we were making love I was fast asleep
If your heart's still beating it must be the blood
If your lungs are still working it must be the mud
If its still light out than a kick in the ribs
And today's worth living, it probably is

I don't see anything now
So just say what you wanna say
It's kind of funny how I'm not listening anyway
[x2]

I'm not listening anyway
I'm not listening anyway
I'm not listening

Listening, I'm not listening
I'm not listening
I'm not listening
I'm not listening

"Yesterday's Feelings"

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like the sun spots or raindrops

Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind

Left the only worries I had in my hands
Away from the light in my eyes
Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel
'Cause feelings mean nothing now

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
(yeah today is on my mind)

Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where feelings mean nothing now

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time (all be lost in time)
But today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
for today is on my mind
yeah today is on my mind

Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart

Light With A Sharpened Edge"

Free from the torment of sin
All this I'm giving up
Much as the sun would decide to give in
Explode into orange
And hear all the voices sing praises with hymns
Mark the birth of a change
Free from the torment of sin
All this I'm giving up

It's not me
Buried wreckage my soul
It's not me so who am I now

Over and over again
Light with a sharpened edge
Cut through the black empty space we call sky
Beginning the cycle that stays
And I know in my heart we all die
Like the day and the night
Like the sun in the sky
All this I'm giving up

It's not me
Buried wreckage my soul
It's not me so who am I now?

Is there another side?
Beyond the black and the white
Place I could meet you by
A place on the other side
I'll let you know when I go
When I'm gone

It's not me
Buried wreckage my soul
It's not me so who am I now?

Sound Effects And Overdramatics"

When the shirt came off, it was all in time
When a m-m-m-minute turned into a mile
And then I broke that grin, and I cut it out
And you got all turned on by the taste of your sin
When I mention blue, all you thought was color
When you mention drugs, all I thought was sober
When your pants came off and I turned you over
When you mention blue

Kill! Smile! Cut it out for me this time!
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while

Keep the mask aligned
Get it up in time
There's a space between valleys
and try and catch a vibe
Make a circle square, a rectangle curve
Use a smile as a noun and I think like a verb
Run quick switch sides
Spill the filled up canister
And the room is shaking
Now you're changing places,
and I switched my pace,
and my breathing races when you mention blue

Kill! Smile! Cut it out for me this time!
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while
Kill! Smile! Cut it out for me this time! (This is not [x6])
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while
Kill, smile, cut out for me cut it cut it out
Smile, cut cut it out for me cut it cut it out
We cut it out!
Kill! Smile! Cut it out for me this time!
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while
Kill! Smile! Cut it out for me this time! (This is not [x6])
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while

Get down and stay awake
Smile

"Hard To Say"

The singer finished singing and she's walking out
The singer sheds a tear, her fear of falling out
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone, it's not the same

My worries weigh the world, how I used to be
And everything, I'm cold, seems a plague in me
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone, it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone, it's not the same

Worse than the fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before
Worse than a fear it's the knife
But it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone, it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone, I'm not the same
It's hard to say (God, it's hard to say)
Since you've been gone,
I'm not the same

"Lunacy Fringe"

Wake up
My love
Never thought you'd make me, break me
Now I'm up from below
Such a brilliant star you are
And will your love keep burning baby
Burn a hole right through my eyes
All these short times feel like no time
I thought you ought to know

I'm so far gone now I been running on empty
I'm so far gone now
Do you wanna take me on? [x2]

Do, Do you, Do you know?
Do you know how long I've waited?
To look up from below,
Just to find someone like you?
And will your love light burn me baby?
Burn a hole right through my heart
I think I might just trust you, maybe
But I'm not sure
I'm not sure I wanna know

I'm so far gone now I been running on empty
I'm so far gone now
Do you wanna take me on?

I'm so far gone now I been running on empty
I'm so far gone now
Do you wanna take me on? [x2]

Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa
I think you could make me girl
Could make me and take my life
I know you could break me girl
Take all of me
All of me, yeah hey

Wake up
My love
Never thought you'd make me, break me
Now I'm up from below
Such a brilliant star you are

I'm so far gone now I been running on empty
I'm so far gone now
Do you wanna take me on?

I'm so far gone I been running on empty
I'm so far gone now
Do you wanna take me on? [x2]

"I'm A Fake"

[Spoken:]
Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife

Look at me, you can tell
By the way I move and do my hair
Do you think that it's me or it's not me?
I don't even care
I'm alive
I don't smell
I'm the cleanest I have ever been.
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry (dry)

[Chorus:]
Just look at me, look at me now
I'm a fake [x4]
Just look at me, look at me now
I'm a fake [x4]

Do I drink? Do I date?
I've got perfect placement all my ink
Satisfied, in your eyes
I'm the biggest fan I've got right now
I made sure, that I look how I wanted to look
The people around me, the people surround me
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry (dry)

[Chorus]

My stomach hurts now, and all tied off in lace
I pray, I beg for anything, to hit me in the face
and this sicknes isn't me, I pray to fall from grace
The last thing I see is feeling
And I'm telling you I'm a fake [x4]
And I'm telling you I'm...

[Chorus]