Addiction
Dr.Mah,
Drmagician Production is back in busniess, with a new template and a new start.
Congrats on Branded production for completeing their movie, and I will look forward in watching it...if I have time...
Addictions.. something that people can do with out. There are many types of addictions in this world, some serious, some that's just really a hobbie gone to far. Whether it's a smoking addiction, alcohol addiction, drug addiction,gambling addiction, sex addiction or just a simple gaming addiction they all have a couple things in common really (excluding gaming):
1) They cost money
2) They are time consuming
3) They hurt you
4) And most importantly, they hurt the people around you...people that matter the most in the world
But addictions, though bad, are somewhat of a good thing...sometimes. I mean.. smokers smoke for a reason, people to drugs, or drink for the same reason as well. And that would be to escape this world from all the stress, from all the pressure, from all the pain and most importantly, from themselves. They free themselves when they act upon their addictive habit and for that split second. For that split second, people are able to forget about the sorrows in their life. Forget about the stress, about the pressure, about the stupid bully, money worries, relationship problems, school/work problems, friend problems. Every, and pardon my french, fucking problem doesnt matter after that one drag from a cigg. Or that one sipp from that bottle hanging in the corner collecting dust.. or even that one fuck from someone that you love..."nothing else matters".. So if people are doing all this crap to escape the stressed out world.. then what do you call it when someone is addicted to the stress?
You call it the Simon Mah sydrome.
Why do I all of sudden bring this out?... well if you know me well, then you would know that I tend to over think, to "work to hard" and to push myself to the limit. And me doing so, I sacrafice everything that is important to me.. my love, my friends,my family, and my life.
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Shawn: "See.. people get into relationships because they want to be happy. You will never want to be in a relationship because you just dont want to be happy, it's just logic"
Simon: "I'll be happy when I have the time to"
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To understand why I'm like this I would have to go backwards in time. When a very wise person once told me "If you're sad, mad, stress, or anything else... dont just sit around, DO something about it"
The more busy you are, the more you would have time to dwell on the past, think about the present, and worry about the future. It's just common sense. Bu to push myself to the point where I have no time to stop and think about what I'm saying.. what I'm doing.. and even some days what I'm eating, just crosses the line.
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Simon: "Nis.. can I ask you a serious/personal question?"
Nis: "Go ahead sports fan"
Simon: " Am I cold/bitter now? over the past months or year"
Nis: " Ahhhh Butters, you have been bitter for the past year now"
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But why, why do I do this to myself? Simple, because this stress, this pressure, "all this sorrow in my life makes me above everyone else. I survied through all this shit, and because I did so, I am a stronger person. I am a stronger person then all of you... and if I go on like this. If I continue to be the victim, then I'll keep on getting stronger as a person..."
Something I keep telling myself...Ignorance is truely bliss I assume, for if I didnt think that way, I wouldn't be like this right now. Tired as fuck.. angry half the time.. and just worried about what the next day holds.
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Jo: "Why did you leave Brotherhood anyways?"
Simon: "Simple... I just didn'd want to burden my friends anymore"
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Am I so addicted to this emotional pain I put on myself that I can't live without it?... Is this the life I want to lead... Is this how I want to remember my last year in highschool?
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Jamil: "Stop being such a god damn martly (typo) and come out with us"
Simon: "I dont have the time"
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Felix: "You never chill with us anymore, you're always working...fuck"
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Nis: "you know that I dont like seeing you down in the dumps butters"
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Wilson: "You worry too much"
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Krishna: "Bah, stop being such a downer and come out with us" (of course this is before the bhood conflict)
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Kings: "No ones wants to see you like this"
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Dengy: "Dont worry about it ham, and smile more"
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w3rdna: "Baka butters, stop working so hard"
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Simon: "I just have the time for it"
Simon: "I can't ask her out.. she'll never say yes"
Simon: "God, soo much damn work today.. I got phsyics, Calc, Bio, and Eng test, and shit...."
Simon: "Can't man, I'm closing today"
Simon: "Too damn tired, sorry man"
Simon: "Maybe another day, promise"
Simon: "Maybe next time, promise"
Simon: "why me..."
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Shawn: "Besides me... I dont think anyone can take you nonstop complaining"
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Addiction:The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
Dr.Mah: I'm...sorry..
Goo Goo Dolls - Sympathy:
Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees
Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was
Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt
It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true
Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was
Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong
And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger than your sympathy stranger than your sympathy
posted by Shawnathan @ 12:37 PM
12 Comments:
Sure Butters, you survived all of it..but you havent learned a damn thing from it...and that puts you back to square one...you think the good lord intended all that misfortune to befall you for no reason? No my friend, there is a reason, and it wasnt to make you work your ass off and be "addicted" to stress, it was to show you that your WORK isnt all life is....when you go home at night, your work isnt gonna hug you, your work isnt going to keep you warm...somewhere down the road you got your wires crossed...everything that really matters, doesnt matter at all to you...friends, family, love...THAT is life...until you realize that, you're just a shell of a man...
The Juliana Theory - Shell Of A Man
I won’t nurture, and feed this bitterness
It’s worth it, seen any of this
Love and forgiveness
Our time is and true
I know you’re full of fear
I hope I’m never like you
I won’t nurture, and feed this hate
It’s empty and doesn’t change a thing
Love will endure when it comes to the end
I see you’re insecure
I know there’s hope for you
Why can’t I let go?
I’m only the shell of a man
I’m lost in myself
And afraid of who I really am
The shell of a man
I won’t nurture, and feed hostility
It’s pointless to dwell on my anger
Love is the answer innate as it seems
I know you’re full of hate
I hope I’m never the same
I won’t nurture, and feed this hate
Imagine the magnitude of
Love that is giving the chance to prevail
I see you’re full of tears
And I can sense you’re here
Why can’t I let go?
I’m only the shell of a man
I’m lost in myself
And afraid of who I really am
The shell of a man
Take what you want to
Now that you got the chance to
Take it, why don’t you?
Now that you got the chance to [x2]
Why can’t I let go?
I’m only the shell of a man
I’m lost in myself
And afraid of who I really am
The shell of a man
Why can’t I let go?
I’m only the shell of a man
I’m lost in myself
And afraid of who I really am
The shell of a man
Cheers,
- Shawnathan
"all this sorrow in my life makes me above everyone else. I survied through all this shit, and because I did so, I am a stronger person. I am a stronger person then all of you... and if I go on like this. If I continue to be the victim, then I'll keep on getting stronger as a person..."
you may think that...but the true test of strength is your resilience......i'll be blunt butters....the trut test of strength is how many times you get back up....not how long you can stay down....staying down is easy after you've fallen....it's getting back up for the chance to fall again that's hard...i am stronger than you because i choose to get back up...the take the chance of taking the hard fall again...you are weak because you choose to stay down, you're afraid of going through the pain again so you stay down with the pain you have...
i've written enough and i dont' want to write a whole debate about it here...if you want to discuss this msg me
Dr.Mah,
Nicely said all, but I said what I need to say. Something thats has been on my mind for some time now. And I respect all your opinions.. but being a cry for sympathy.. attention?.. I dont think thats what I want.. I think it's more of what you give me. YOU'RE the ones giving me the attention when I just want to be left alone....
and by the by.. its wicked to see that the stupid anonymous comments are gone.. guess people are just damn afraid to show their real name
hmm.. nice layout.
addictions are not something that you can treat so lightly. you treat people and addictions like they're simple patients and simple illnesses. the truth is the addiction has a name.
its not called the simon mah syndrome. its called need for attention. we all do it. the difference lays fundamental within the boundaries of how we show it. I believe nis says it best when he used that quote.
btw. don't abuse my words. I don't recall saying those things in the past. I may have because I am a forgetful person, but I believe you have misunderstood the meaning behind it. I sure as hell wasn't using it in the same context as you are now.
I too am going to be quite rude here but do you actually think your stronger then everyone? Its true you have gone through some rough times but that doesn't mean you have become a stronger person. Just like what shawn said, you didn't learn anything from these things. You would think after losing something you would come to appreciate what you have, but you didn't. You lost two things very dear to you, and yet you still didn't realize that you still had your friends. You continued to isolate yourself and seek new ways to destroy yourself. You've admitted to your problems but you don't seem to be doing anything to rectify it. If you think by immersing yourself in work you will drown your problems away you will be greatly mistaken. This shows that you are simply a coward. Anyone can run from their problems, not face them or even think about them. But it takes real courage to step up to your problem. If you fail, then who cares, at least you tried. You just dust yourself off and keep on moving forward. If you can do that then you will be strong.
Dr.Mah,
Kings: Please do not refer to yourself as a forget person Kings... You know I never meant to lose touch over the past year. I have with everyone, I've been in my own little world.
Krishna: And agreed.. it is a cowardly thing to do.. but tell me this Krishna.. what if I continue to fail.. one time after another.. what if no matter what I do I fail..And dont worry, you werent rude at all.. speaking only of the truth and I respect that. And I think you took my 'above all' concept wrong..
Shawn: You out of all people should know how hard it is for me right now. And though working hard doesnt seem right to you.. it seems right to me.. see, when one can not control anything that's going on in life.. they tend to do things that they can ACTUALLY control.. call me a control freak.. but watever.. I feel that since I cant control life, I'll work.
Felix & Jamil: You all speak of it like it's a simple task. To get up, to try.. to move on. I'm not one that adapts nicely to change.. and that's just me.. and you all know how stubborn I am...
Nis: Sometimes work is all i have.. And though it isnt as fun as hanging out with my friends..It still conforts me in knowing that I'm doing something productive.. Doing something useful, And I REALLY hate making it sound like an anime.. but work is the reason for exsistance... and thats just it....
But Much Love all.. This Journey they call life I think is better dealt with friends..I never knew I would get this kind of reaction. Friends from present, past, and hopefully Future.. telling me straight up how stupid I've been (only because you all care).And I wish I could hang out with you all more often...we'll see what the nxt couple moths hold.. Much love all
There you go again minsinterpreting what we're trying to tell you. For the longest time we've been trying to tell you to stop moping around. You never listen. Instead you write the exact same comment that I expected you to write.
I knew you were going to write about how glad you are that your friends care. Other people know it too and they're sick of it.
Everytime we try to help you, you just go on and say "I know, and I thank you all for caring so much." the point is you DON'T KNOW and we DON'T CARE. We used to. Some of us now no longer care.
I've had it with trying to help you. I saw you slide a year ago. And all you do is continue to prove to me that you are not worth my time anymore. We try to help you and you thank us and then totally ignore what we are saying.
I wasn't referring to myself as being forgetful. I was referring to the fact that I DIDN'T SAY "Nobody wants to see you like this" as in you were working hard. I said it because you were being depressed over something that was hopeless. I said it because its time to grow up and stop crying over how pitiful ones existence can be!
Man wth. I've typed enough. If you won't listen when all of us have tried. Theres no point at all. Even those that were your friends are pissed. Maybe you should think about that. Maybe you should think about how to make less pissed at you instead of blogging about how much you suffer. Chances are we have suffered more than you.
If you want to really learn something you have to fail. We're kids man. Its our job to make mistakes. Only through failure can we acquire true knowledge.
Why would you want to control life. Life is an adventure man. You can't expect it to be smooth sailing all the way. If it was then that would be a dull dull life.
"Work is the reason for existence". I shake my head at you sir. If you are putting your friends below your work your a pretty terrible friend. I know there are exceptions, like letting a friend cheat on a test or something, that is bad. But to do homework, that isn't probably that important, over your friends is something terrible. Friends may not last forever, and they may bring about sadness, but one thing that does last forever are memories. I may not hang out with the same people I use to a year ago but that doesn't mean I've forgotten the great times we've had together. Bbq's, parties at ray. Anybody can learn the stuff I have learned from school, but only a handful of people will remember the good times we had at rays, or our bbq's during the summer. The meaning of life is to live an adventure. If you think controlling all aspects of your life counts as an adventure then by all means keep at it. I once again apologize for being very rude but I thought you may realize the err of your way by now but I see that isn't going to be coming anytime soon. I guess I was wrong. You seem to be digging yourself into a deep tunnel where you can't see the exit. Its time you stop crawling away from everyone and understand whats really important.
i am not writing this out of hate, nor out of sarcasm, nor out of spite.
people are telling you how to cope, people are pointing out things that are important, and you ignore and blow it off. that is a big slap in the face to all your friends. it is damn obvious that you are seeking attention when you write something like this, and when people point out things that are painfully obvious, you just go "hehehe, thanks for caring". if you want pats on the ass, wear ass-less chaps on church street, but if you are looking for genuine, bonafide help in friends that have been with you through thick and thin, look no further than what jamil and shawn are writing. it takes true friends to slap you around and say harsh things to you, and is freakin' insulting for you to blow them off like that.
the first time was because they cared, the second time was out of obligation, the third time and above becomes repetitive, and meaningless. you can only help people to a certain point before you realize that they cannot be helped. but they still have not given up on you, and even despite this devout loyalty, you seem completely oblivious to the fact that they are reaching out to help you. this isn't about a stress addiction, it's about the need to feel that in a world which you've created out of isolation, people still know that you exist.
"i don't want help, i don't want attention", then don't blog about how bad your life is, don't talk to friends about it, get yourself a diary and write about it privately. if solitude is what you want, then seek it. placing it on a public website only draws more unwanted attention, true?
don't give me this "you don't know how hard it is", we've only heard it many times before. you think you're controlling work, but it's controlling you. it's taken away your life, your sense of self, your being, and now possibly your friends. it seems almost futile for me to comment, but i'm making this my final comment to you ever, because i most certainly hate repeating myself.
but if i want you to get anything out of what i just said, just one thing, it's this. when you go off to university, you are going to be immersed in a different community of people, and defintely a new environment that you will be unfamiliar with. if you don't allow yourself to seek help from others, or if you try to go about it alone, you will fail. failure is imminent. not saying this because there's no faith in you whatsoever, but because you just can't take on the world by yourself, and your friends are telling you that. their hands are stretched out, next year you won't get that luxury.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
"You know I never meant to lose touch over the past year. I have with everyone, I've been in my own little world."
yea we realize that and we're trying to tell you to wake the fuck up and do something about it...regret gets you nowhere. get your ass up and do something about it if you're not satisfied with the way things are
"it is a cowardly thing to do.. but tell me this Krishna.. what if I continue to fail.."
i learned this in hockey, if you never shoot, you'll never score. same goes for life, if you never try because you're afraid you won't suceed you'll never be successful. edison failed thousands of times before he invented the light bulb, failure is only the first step towards success.
"when one can not control anything that's going on in life.. they tend to do things that they can ACTUALLY control.. call me a control freak.. but watever.. I feel that since I cant control life, I'll work"
who the hell can control life? no one, we're all coping with it...not controling it. You think you're controling work...are you on top of the world yet? tell me, who do you work for? who do they work for? why are you working? here let me answer them either in terms of school and work....you work for teachers because you need good marks, you also work for your manager....who do they work for? your manager works for pizza hut who works for a large franchise. Teachers? they work for the provincial government. why are you working? because you have to...not because you want to, you HAVE to get good marks you HAVE to listen to your manager to do work if you want to continue working at pizza hut...customers tell you what to make, waiters tell you what the customers want....the only thing you control is how many damn slices of pepperoni you put on the pizza
"I'm not one that adapts nicely to change.. and that's just me.. and you all know how stubborn I am..."
learned nothing from IAPS....adapting is esstential to survival...if you dont' adapt you will get run over by life...which is exactly what's happenning right now....and you think thats your nature? no, wake up and start adapting to life again and you're realize it's not so bad
"Sometimes work is all i have.."
I call bullshit to that...you have your family, your friends, your home, you have so much to be appreciative for...OPEN YOUR EYES!
"It still conforts me in knowing that I'm doing something productive.. Doing something useful"
Are you being productive? tell me how you felt happier this way? have you picked yourself up to overcome the fear of falling again? or are you still rolling downhill? still stuck in the gutter? not too productive if you're not moving up....
"but work is the reason for exsistance..."
work is not the reason for exsistance, your reason for exsistence is your will to live....not your will to work....no will to work? go kill yourself...no? what about if you have the will to work...kill yourself now? still no? okay will the live...kill yourself...obviously not because you want to live...no will to live....kill yourself....you dont' want to stay alive anyways...the will to live is your reason for exsistence
"But Much Love all.. This Journey they call life I think is better dealt with friends..I never knew I would get this kind of reaction. Friends from present, past, and hopefully Future.. telling me straight up how stupid I've been (only because you all care)."
what love? i'm debating whether you even know the meaning of love anymore. All you do is say you appreciate our help and then totally dismiss us and continue your old bad habits and routines...losing two things that you hold dear to your heart....very understandable...but fucking realize that missing two gold coins means nothing when you have treasure chest right in front of you....hold on to what you have before you lose that too...cause sooner or later you'll lose it all and then it'll be too late to regret it
Ill be the first to say it..this blog is like a fucking optical illusion...I read it, and the I see nothing but grey bars for the next 10 minutes...
You ignorant bastard I didnt say anything was wrong with you working, its when you neglect EVERY OTHER FUCKING THING IN YOUR LIFE that its wrong...I swear to god if Jesus wasnt your lord and saviour you would throw away your Bible for a Calculus textbook..or a Physics textbook....
You just dont get it do you...
Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you an illusion of unimaginable power...I will now make Butters see the light...wait...sry..I do magic..not miracles...
Your right..me OF ALL people should know how hard it is for you, and no matter how much I try, you still neglect me, and everybody else...well fuck you, you self-absorbed, self-diluted, shell of a man...
Your work controls you..not vice versa...put your priorities into perspective...
Cheers,
- Shawnathan
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