An Everlasting Nightmare

Dr.Mah,

Just a quick review of what has occurred the following week. Shawn came down for commencement on the 5th. We had dinner right after it, with Drama crew, when to Fuzz's and played a wicked board game. I'm sure if you read 2 post before this, you would know what happened. Went to watch Saw 2 with Shawn... it was pretty alright I guess. Not enough blood I guess.. "Yes there will be blood" is just a line from the killer. I don't want to seem negative because I don't want the Jigsaw killer after me, haha, but allow me to rant on about my life once again and then I shall get back to normal Simon/THING/Dr.Mah/Butters, whatever you wish to call me.

So I sometimes wonder...are we all living in a wonderful nightmare or dream? And if we are, ironically, the only peace we truly get is when we sleep, unless you get nightmares such as I. Ahh yes they have returned. But aside from that.. Doesn't life sometimes feel too perfect, or just doesn't feel right at all. And no matter how perfect or how shitty life is, we always wonder.. is this too good or too crappy to be true? Are we going to wake up one day and find out it was just a beautiful nightmare?

Most new readers of my blog are not aware that I have gotten surgery on my heart before. Before the surgery everything was just perfect, I would say. Well, with some exceptions, the fact that another family member was in the hospital. But life was good. And after waking up, it seemed like from that point on, everything was different. I started to think differently, taste food differently, see people differently, judge them, and I've seem to act differently. Even at work people tell me how I've changed. Viji, a co-worker that came back after a year of mat.leave for her baby, said how I dont fool around anymore and all I do is work. But why?

Someone once told me that people with diseases are usually good people, on the count that they don’t want something else bad happening to them. After my surgery, I was healthy... so does that make me a bad person now? Am I taking advantage of life's little moments. I have 3 wishes in this world:
1) Family and Friends to always be smiling and happy no matter what challenges meet them along the way, it will always just be a stepping stone in their life.
2) Will not be announced
3) If I could go back in time, with the knowledge I have now.. I will go back when I've just awoken from my surgery and change everything now.

But this leads to the question...what about my friends? I've made so much/many good friends because I've lost others. Friends that will stick by me till the end. Ironically I've met these people during my hard times. Will Wilson, Nick, Marlon, Robert, Derek, Bonnie, and Nat be my good friends if I do get to change everything?
(Why not shawn and them is because I was good friends with them before the surgery)

And I know it's impossible to go back in time, but if I had a chance…would I? It's stupid because it's questions like these that keep me up at night. How would things change? But they say that everything happens for a reason. The person you are are the steps you take. And that everything in this world will one day be balance.

So where is my balance? University is hard and sometimes lonely. Friends aren’t here, but when they do come down I have an exam to study for or I'm working so I can pay for my next year’s tuition/scrubs dvd/HD dvds.

But perhaps I do take advantage of my life. Maybe I'm just not seeing the big picture to this... and I've told many people this, esp. Nis.... The hard question in life is not why this is happening to me... but when will this stop. When will this everlasting nightmare stop?

Gooood to get that off my chest...real good

"Ghost Man On Third"

Jynx me something crazy
Thinking if it's three
then I'm as smooth as the skin
rolls across the small of your back
It's too bad it's not my style
If you need me
I'm out and on the parkway,
patient and waiting for headlights,
dressed in a fashion that's fitting to the
inconsistencies of my moods

It's times like these, where silence means everything
And no one is to know about this
It's times like these, where silence means everything
And no one is to know about this

It's a campaign of distraction
and revisionist history, oh

It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
(it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice)
It's a shame I doubt they even care
(it's a shame I doubt they even care)
No one is to know about this

It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
(it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice)
It's a shame I doubt they even care
(it's a shame I doubt they even care)
Don't let me down

But whatever I have gettin' myself into
maybe has been slicing inches from my waist
It's my fist vs. the bottle
(and thank god you weren't there...)
And that's how bad could this hurt
or against I won't feel a thing
(and thank god you weren't there...)
I tell you all about it
It's just not working out
(...to watch me hit bottom)
not working out

It's a campaign of distraction
and revisionist history, oh

It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
(it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice)
It's a shame I doubt they even care
(it's a shame I doubt they even care)
No one is to know about this

It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
(it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice)
It's a shame I doubt they even care
(it's a shame I doubt they even care)
No one has to know about this
Don't let me down

This is why we were taught so much better than this
This is why we were taught so much better than this

This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does