A dry eye...nothing can be worse

Dr.Mah,

Random Blog [9]

Have you ever been sad and so depressed and you wish that some how, some way you can express the way you feel, and that you can just release everything that you're holding in, but you just cant for some damn reason...you just cant let anything go. And you're emotions that’s bottling up, (like a traffic jam as Charlotte would so kindly put it) holding it all in, feeling like it's about to burst any time now. And you isolate yourself from the world, isolate yourself from family, from friends, from people you care so much about, people you adore just because you know that if you do finally crack under this pressure, you wouldn’t want them anywhere near you because you'll end up hurting them...

As I sit here, selfishly thinking about my week, I've notice that I've neglected more then one friend. Many friends, so I question myself and wonder why... Is it because I'm afraid that there’s more to my emotions then meets the eye and I fear letting it slip out, fear getting my hopes up just to get it shot down again. It's just those damn first steps I just can’t get pass...

So last night, thursday night, I received a depressing (I guess the only word that can explain it) phone call with terribly sad news. News that would bring a normal human being to their news with tears, but what’s worse then feeling sad is not feeling anything at all. It is as though I don’t have a soul anymore, as though I’ve lost so much to the point where I’m just not surprise that this has happened to me. I try not to victimize myself, but sometimes I wonder if this is a test, or just some cruel joke. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in God and have a strong faith {with/of/for} him [not sure which I should use] But sometimes, when all is lost, when phone calls are dead, when emails are empty, and when prays don’t seem to be heard, a sense of abandonment falls upon me. But everybody is busy now a day, I don’t expect anyone to come check up on me all the time, hell, even I’m too busy to care about myself now a day.

So where am I getting at in this whole post? Where is this rant leading me… well I honest to God have no idea where I’m going with this except for this…We all take life for granted, and as much as we would like to live everyday to it’s fullest, we know we can never do such a thing.

Just stop and sometimes consider how lucky you all are…. Take 2 secs and focus on 1 good thing in your life…

Honestly if you’re in a relationship, and you bitch about it. You bitch and you bitch about how this person is not paying attention to you, or how you guys got into another trivial argument. And why do you people get into trivial fights? Could it be just because you’re scared… and insecure… but of course, you guys are the first couples to feel that? And as a wise person said… honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort at night while I’m just staring at the wall, wishing…praying…ney, Begging God for someone to talk to is that you people who do nothing but bitch about your relationship have NO IDEA, no idea what so ever how lucky you all are, because if you honestly did, then you’d leave your pettiness aside, and allow yourself to feel insecure, and allow your significant other to be there for you…

What hurts more then being alone is the fact that even after this post, my feelings of sorrow, grief, anger, failure and loneliness will remain with me… It only hurts to know that I will be judged for how I feel, people telling me that I’m blowing things out a proportion, when really, you have no idea how unhappy I am. And maybe for once, maybe just by dumb luck, this isn’t my fault and that I didn’t bring this upon myself, maybe it was just...

…RIP [3/03]
Stop joking around...

Stop joking around for one minute
I'd rather cry right now
And play those sad notes on the piano
Let the rest of the band go home

'Cause I'll lead you until morning
Please be here until the morning
Hold my hand until the morning
Brings the light of day to our eyes

And smell the burning leaves in autumn driveways
We'll be out on the road to way past supper
And leave the lamp lit low beside the window
If you can mop up a waterfall

'Cause I'll lead you until morning
Please be here until the morning
Hold my hand until the morning
Brings the light of day to our eyes

Just hop a train, you hate to fly
Come see the pictures of my eyes
You want to laugh, I want to cry, cry, cry, cry

Please be here until the morning
Hold my hand until the morning
Chase my fears until the morning
Till you promise life
Please be here