What is a boy to do...

Dr.Mah,

Over the past two days I wasn't able to come online since I had a bio test to start studying.. but now that I have time.. wow.. The comments from my most recent post seemed to change everything. People I haven't talked to for months come out of no where... and people that I often talk to leave. What is a boy to do.

Apologize? For what.. for being myself? And I did apologize, and it didnt seem to go off that well...

Admit my faults? I think I've done that enough and yet it comes back and bits me in the ass...

So what else should I do? I really dont know. Stop moping around, stop being so down.. I really did stop that by doing my work. And Work is what is keeping me sane, ironic as that sounds.

So what is a boy to do? I really lost all ideas. I tried explaining my actions.. found out that I was wrong so I apologized.. then I was wrong for apologizing.. I was declared patheic for doing so?... I really don't get what the fuck is going on. Come on Red, Kings, Shawn.. you guys are smart. Come on Jabo, you have a positive look on life. Come on Felix, Nis, Krishna, you guys seem to know how to have a good time. And no.. I'm really not being scarastic... What should I do.. I really dont get it. Is there a hidden msg?.. But I rahter not look at those comments again.
And wasn't my blog for me to rant?...BLAH.. I have no clue anymore honestly
I was told to stop complaining.. I did.. the time I stop talking to all of you was the time I stop complaining. this seems like a 'you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you dont' situation... soo all I can do is BLAH it... and see what the next couple of weeks hold.



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Recap on my week:

So on on Friday I had this bio test to do.... which I spend liek 2 days, 5hrs each on the cheat sheet and I'm pretty proud of it. And I found the test pretty ok.. I cant be as bad as the second one.. haha.. dear god I hope it cant. So in the morning I had to skip calculus in order to study, and I saw jess there. And we started to study together, then later on Jess kept on saying how hungry she was, so in order to shut her up, we went to get some breakfest.. After 1st period, I wanted to sign in, but the secra. said that she was going on a break.. It was like 10am T________T why does she need a break?!... BlAh.. so I just went straight to english class where we had to write an in class essay about Hamlet, the movie we watched. So after that was lunch where me, wilson, suganth, and Billy (aka: Stacy, aka: BYD, aka: Lemon<-- haha best line ever) studied at the lib. Wilson was doing his cheat sheet, HA I TOLD YOU TO DRAW THE PENIS ON IT, so yea.. Wilson had drawn the structure of the penis, and after that he said : " Man.. thats the worse picture of a penis I've ever drawn" We all laughed after.. best line ever. After that was Physics .. and Jo did some puzzle that took her like 1 min to do, Nis: 30 mins.. and I have yet to complete the puzzle, haha. Bio was next and I was all ready for this shizzle. I scarafice all my time and effort for this.. so I can afford to get a low mark. Needless to say I feel pretty confident about that test. After school was work.. fuck I should quit, but I just got paid... so the temptations of work is back. So yea I was suppose to work from 4-11.. but then my manager had to run out for something so me and my sis had to watch the shop.. so I end up staying till like 12... BLAH.. but after I closed my manager didnt come yet, so I was forced to just sit there. I sat in one of the tables in the dinning rm and was listening to my MD. I turned the random on and the very 1st song was 'Everytime' by Britney spears.. I adore that song... So here it is...

I'm pretty excited for tomorrow... I'm doing interviews and hopfully I get to see 'her'.. *crosses fingers* heres one hoping

*Insert lyrics of Britney spears song here*

Addiction

Dr.Mah,

Drmagician Production is back in busniess, with a new template and a new start.
Congrats on Branded production for completeing their movie, and I will look forward in watching it...if I have time...

Addictions.. something that people can do with out. There are many types of addictions in this world, some serious, some that's just really a hobbie gone to far. Whether it's a smoking addiction, alcohol addiction, drug addiction,gambling addiction, sex addiction or just a simple gaming addiction they all have a couple things in common really (excluding gaming):

1) They cost money
2) They are time consuming
3) They hurt you
4) And most importantly, they hurt the people around you...people that matter the most in the world

But addictions, though bad, are somewhat of a good thing...sometimes. I mean.. smokers smoke for a reason, people to drugs, or drink for the same reason as well. And that would be to escape this world from all the stress, from all the pressure, from all the pain and most importantly, from themselves. They free themselves when they act upon their addictive habit and for that split second. For that split second, people are able to forget about the sorrows in their life. Forget about the stress, about the pressure, about the stupid bully, money worries, relationship problems, school/work problems, friend problems. Every, and pardon my french, fucking problem doesnt matter after that one drag from a cigg. Or that one sipp from that bottle hanging in the corner collecting dust.. or even that one fuck from someone that you love..."nothing else matters".. So if people are doing all this crap to escape the stressed out world.. then what do you call it when someone is addicted to the stress?

You call it the Simon Mah sydrome.

Why do I all of sudden bring this out?... well if you know me well, then you would know that I tend to over think, to "work to hard" and to push myself to the limit. And me doing so, I sacrafice everything that is important to me.. my love, my friends,my family, and my life.
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Shawn: "See.. people get into relationships because they want to be happy. You will never want to be in a relationship because you just dont want to be happy, it's just logic"

Simon: "I'll be happy when I have the time to"
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To understand why I'm like this I would have to go backwards in time. When a very wise person once told me "If you're sad, mad, stress, or anything else... dont just sit around, DO something about it"

The more busy you are, the more you would have time to dwell on the past, think about the present, and worry about the future. It's just common sense. Bu to push myself to the point where I have no time to stop and think about what I'm saying.. what I'm doing.. and even some days what I'm eating, just crosses the line.
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Simon: "Nis.. can I ask you a serious/personal question?"

Nis: "Go ahead sports fan"

Simon: " Am I cold/bitter now? over the past months or year"

Nis: " Ahhhh Butters, you have been bitter for the past year now"
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But why, why do I do this to myself? Simple, because this stress, this pressure, "all this sorrow in my life makes me above everyone else. I survied through all this shit, and because I did so, I am a stronger person. I am a stronger person then all of you... and if I go on like this. If I continue to be the victim, then I'll keep on getting stronger as a person..."

Something I keep telling myself...Ignorance is truely bliss I assume, for if I didnt think that way, I wouldn't be like this right now. Tired as fuck.. angry half the time.. and just worried about what the next day holds.

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Jo: "Why did you leave Brotherhood anyways?"

Simon: "Simple... I just didn'd want to burden my friends anymore"
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Am I so addicted to this emotional pain I put on myself that I can't live without it?... Is this the life I want to lead... Is this how I want to remember my last year in highschool?

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Jamil: "Stop being such a god damn martly (typo) and come out with us"

Simon: "I dont have the time"
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Felix: "You never chill with us anymore, you're always working...fuck"
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Nis: "you know that I dont like seeing you down in the dumps butters"
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Wilson: "You worry too much"
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Krishna: "Bah, stop being such a downer and come out with us" (of course this is before the bhood conflict)
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Kings: "No ones wants to see you like this"
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Dengy: "Dont worry about it ham, and smile more"
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w3rdna: "Baka butters, stop working so hard"
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Simon: "I just have the time for it"
Simon: "I can't ask her out.. she'll never say yes"
Simon: "God, soo much damn work today.. I got phsyics, Calc, Bio, and Eng test, and shit...."
Simon: "Can't man, I'm closing today"
Simon: "Too damn tired, sorry man"
Simon: "Maybe another day, promise"
Simon: "Maybe next time, promise"
Simon: "why me..."
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Shawn: "Besides me... I dont think anyone can take you nonstop complaining"
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Addiction:The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.

Dr.Mah: I'm...sorry..

Goo Goo Dolls - Sympathy:
Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger than your sympathy stranger than your sympathy