Les Temps Difficile...

I meditated over this thought today: Who am I?

I came to this conclusion: It's like the song goes - "When I said I hate who I've become, I lied, I hated who I was"...I realized I made a lot of changes to my personality, to my life in general, for all of the wrong reasons...it wasn't for me..it was never for me...look...this is me as I see it: I do magic, I own my own business, I write and direct plays, I play the piano, I learned how to cook, if I want a drink I'll have a drink, if I want to play a video game I'll play a video game, if I want to cry I'll cry, if I want to do something with my life it'll be for my life...not cause its what somebody else expects of me...and if you can't love me for it, then c'est la vie...les temps difficile...there are people out there who will...

I also meditated over this thought: What do I deserve?

Conclusion: I've done some stupid, cruel, things...but I deserve so much better than what's I've been going through these past few months...I deserve to be treated with dignity...I deserve to be loved...

Am I good enough?

Conclusion: Yes. It's a stupid question, but don't deny that you've never asked yourself that question. I am good enough. I can have anything if I just want it bad enough.

Should my heart be filled with hatred?

Conclusion: Yes. Yes it should. Should, but what does that get me. Nothing.

- Shawnathan

(P.S. I wake up from my nightmares, wondering why they are nightmares...and I wonder why I feel bad...and I just can't give myself an answer...the closest thing to a real answer that I can think of is: does it really matter if I feel bad when I wake up if 30 minutes later I laugh at myself for being so petty...so trivial...and when I think about their lives, I know that I'm just the fine print...)