It's out of our hands...

Dr.Mah,

I've been called a control freak many times, not because I try to control people's lives, but because I cant stand the fact that I cant control my own. The past week has left me weak and tired. I can sleep as much as I want...but my body just cant keep up with my brain anymore. My head hurts constantly, as though I'm having the worse hang over alive..but it's gotten to the point that I would only notice a change when my heat isnt hurting. Emotionally wise..what can I say. Life is a mess right now. Perhaps it's stress..but I believe that it's something so much more.

I'm so emotionless and numb that I didnt eat for 26hrs with ease...(30hr famine is for wimps) I wanted to see exactly how long I can withstand not eating, and how long it would take for my stomach to start breaking down itself so that I can feel something, anything. But everytime I eat, it seems though the food is just as bitter as hell. A feeling of never being satisfied, not being happy. A craving that no food can satisfy anymore. A song that just doesn’t feel right. I'm in such an uncomfortable state, I cant sit still anymore.

Today I tried running on my treadmill, it usually calms me down, and releases hormones that would make me feel better. But instead of running for 20 mins, I just ran for 10. It wasn’t the fact that I was tired. It was the fact that it wasn’t helping. A lump in a throat that wont go away. A traffic jam in my head that wont budge. A emotion that no word can describe.

So what is this? What is this weird feeling...something that i've never felt before. Is it physical, or is there a deeper thing in this? It cant be a lack of sleep, there has to be so much more. And the funny twist of all this would be that my dreams are no longer nightmares. They're all such nice dreams, but when I'm normal I get nothing but nightmares. And I want the nightmares back...at least in them I know that they're not real, instead of living in one.

I no longer find Scrubs funny...Full metal Alchemist making sense...Music important...Food tasteful...

Phone calls are dead, messages are delayed, burdens getting heavier...if I dont fix this soon, then I just have no idea what is going to happen. So I'm going to do what I dont do often, what I'm afraid to do. I hate preaching to God in my post, but I'm going to leave this to God...and just completely fully rely on him as for now, until I can get back on my feet. So the question is now...Am I showing weakness? I hate telling people my problems now, it seems as though I use my problems to grab attention. But I'm not, but it seems like it. And the reason I dont tell people my problems, and tell them not to worry about me is because I'm most afraid of showing weakness...

What's the point of this post. I wonder myself...I guess I just need an outlet, hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens. But what I'm trying to say is that it's ok to be vulnerable for just seconds sometimes. It's ok to feel like a failure, and to be demotived. But it's not ok to take it alone. I dont believe that we're meant to be alone. I believe that we all have a special friend out there, someone that will cheer us on continuously no matter how dark the storm is, or how cold the night gets. And we should advantage of that person...because sometimes it is out of our hands..and we cant do much about it. All we can do is rely on the person closest to us to say the right things, and to be there when things go from bad to worse.

"Breathe (2 AM)"


2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a Day", he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

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