It's been 19 days since I told Butters that I would post...it's been god knows how long since my last post...a lot has changed...
It's been almost 3 months since the day that made all of this happen...and since that day, I've seen some of my darkest hours...I've seen what its like at the bottom of the barrel...and in trying to scrape my way out, I only dug deeper...I then realized that..when you smile..the world smiles with you and when you weep, you weep alone...despite my friends and family...I felt very alone...I felt what it was like to have life turn against you...to have the things that you cherished most ripped away from you...leaving you powerless to do anything but accept things for the way they are...I learned that life is about two things...change and acceptance...and I've done both of those things....I changed into a man I wouldn't even call a friend...and I let down many people...and in so many eyes I'm looked so far down upon...but now...I'm beyond that...I'm so very far beyond that...and my only regret is that it took hitting rock bottom for me to realize where I was in the first place....I'm almost there...I can feel it...its just over the horizon...
...say what you want about me...but doesnt it say more about me that here I am now, a completely changed person...a better person...with a new outlook on life...I'm out of engineering...I dropped out...and to every person that calls me an idiot for doing so...or thinks that I made the wrong choice...to them I say..life is not about your career...life is about happiness...you all just can't understand what it is to be truly passionate about something....for anybody who's ever been in love, thats what I feel for theatre, that same passion...maybe slightly less...cause I mean...I can't hug theatre...
This is on the wall of my room at home...I follow it to the letter now...
Desderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
I don't drink anymore...I've taken a vow of sobriety, lifelong...I don't smoke...I'm not into bars anymore...or clubs...despite my affinity for dancing...I've learned to cook...I've learned how to play the piano...I'm writing a new show...I don't do kids magic anymore...I've grown up this summer...I've changed, and while it may seem that I'm distancing myself from some of my closest friends...I'm not doing that at all...I'm growing up...I'm maturing...I don't find pleasure in sitting down and getting wasted anymore...I'm seeing now what others saw in me a long time ago..I think to myself, "I use to like doing that?"...I'm not interested picking up some "hot chicks" (who says "hot chicks" nowadays anyway)...and yea..I'm 19...I should be getting hopped up and making bad decisions...but I was never one to fit the mould...I'd choose a night at the theatre...or watching a movie over a night filled with getting drunk and acting like idiots...not every event needs to involve a beer or some liquor...
My life has taken so many 180's...they are as follows...
180) 3 months ago, when my life really began...sure..it didnt hit the ground running...in fact..life started off by tripping and falling on its face...but it was a 180 none-the-less...the decisions I made were very much based on the fact that I had to find my own happiness now...
360) I dropped out of engineering...and am now in arts...majoring in drama and minoring in math, with the prospect of becoming a drama/math teacher...pending I fall flat on my face in trying to make it as a magician...
540) My sanity and well being slowly began to decline...depression took over...I spent so many nights staring at a bottle, thinking itd be so much easier to just drink life away...im glad I didnt become an alcoholic...these were my darkest days...when I let down so many of my friends...when I became a loser even in my own eyes...I turned to escapism as an answer...living a life that truly...TRULY...wasnt my own...trying to be somebody else, so I didn't have to face the music...live up to what happened...the state of my life in the moment...
720) My final 180...when it was shown to me exactly the kind of person I was before all of this had happened...before it seemed like life had turned on me...I realized that I missed that person...so much...and it was then that I told myself that it was time to start over...to start fresh...to change my life so that I would never let anybody down again..so that I would never let myself down again...I've let myself down and I've let my friends down for far too long...I still have plenty more to do with my life...but I can be happy with the person I am now...and I can be proud that I've made the changes I have...I'm on my way to being that person I was before anything ever happened...I can look at myself in the mirror with some dignity..I can hold my head up high and show my friends and the world that they can be proud of me again....
I'm a dizzy man.....I love everybody who still saw it in themselves to call me a friend during my darkest days...and for those who didnt...I understand...
The months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take...
20 days until a breath of fresh air...
I'm proud of the man I am now...
Sunshine is waiting for you... ;)
- Shawnathan
